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via I am. Who are you? — Pride in Madness


Its been a long time since I have written just to write

In life there are struggles and many ups and downs. My life has seemed to have more downs than ups but I still survived them. I will continue to survive life’s twists and turns as I venture through my life paths. I am not perfect and I make way more mistakes than I would like to admit. However, where I am currently in my life is far better than where I was just 5 years ago. I finally nerved up and moved from Virginia where I never believed I could because I wanted to be there when my kids come find me when they each turn of age when they are allowed to. I could not move out of emotional entrapment done to myself by my own mind. I finally worked through that and moved here to Upstate South Carolina about 8 months ago. I am not happy where I currently am though. I don’t know anyone here really and I have no friends. The so called family that is here has only made it harder for e to be happy here and want to stay. I thought moving here could help my mother realize I am her daughter, her oldest child, and I deserve better than the life she provided for me. Unfortunately because of my traumatic childhood in which she was part of creating I have PTSD and it has caused me more anxiety being around her and the narcisstic behaviors and things she says. Her own victimization when I try to address something creates animosity within the relationship and causes a complete attitude from her of shutting me out of her life like she did most my growing up. She never really had to take care of me when I was young. I was raised by a system from a very young age, though not young enough not to suffer from the effects of abuse. So when something happens I try to talk to her by text about it only for her to deny and invalidate my experience and then attack me. I get defensive and bring out the things she has done to harm me in my life and she feels she owes no apology, she was a young mother is her excuse, and she’s moved on and so she says I need to move on and forget all that. I cannot just forget. Much of my life is a mystery and blank to me because of the trauma I have just forgotten. But when triggered I experience emotional triggers and flashbacks more than actual flashbacks and triggers of the actual physical and sexual abuse. Anyway I was doing emotionally well and protected myself by not being around her and limiting my contact with siblings and other family that increased my triggered emotions until I moved here. Now I am stuck here for the remainder of the year until my lease ends and I can move elsewhere. I however never wanted to move back to Massachusetts because I felt that was moving backwards in life. now I want to go back to Virginia because the last 8 months I lived there I met some awesome people and created great support system and friendships I dont want to lose. I also really wanted to move to the beach which in Virginia is 3 hours or more away from my friends and I still would be lost there like I have been here in SC without friendship and supports. In Massachusetts I have friends too friends I have had for years even though I left there 11 years ago, I was raised there and know lots of people and could have support there too. There I would be closer to the beach or even could look for a place at the beach. I could also just start over in a completely whole new state on a beach and hope to get a group of awesome friends like I have in Virginia that are accepting, friendly, care, loving, and very supportive. Though I have a lot of good about moving back to the area I moved friend in Virginia there is some bad. it puts me back in an area that’s close to siblings that are just like their mother and have many traits of their father manipulation, lies, no values, selfish, and narcissism. I would however be close to where I was when I lost my kids and would be near for them to find me. But with the internet nowadays they should be able to find me easily since I keep an online presence everywhere I go. Also I like gardening and want to go somewhere and be able to garden still. I have thought about staying in SC and just moving to the beach which is atleast 3-4 miles away currently from where I am and that will give me the independence and space away from those that live here I want away from. I have never been out west like the western shore board near the beaches there or down south like Florida beaches either. Those could be options I look into to. But right now I am very unsure and confused on what to do and where to go from here. Anyone have any suggestions or further information that could help in y decision I welcome your voices.

The changes since I have been here 2 years ago

So much has gone on in 2 years. I moved to a small town. I lost my mental health worker I had and we are now just friends with her, thats what she calls it anyways! Though the friendship has become distanced and seems to have faded away almost does not exist anymore. My life is more stable than it was but still a struggle at times to survive. I am getting to know local people. I started with a new company for my mental health services. Things seem ok in this very second. Its been a long winding road and very up and down but seems to be leveling out!

Daily Life and My Avoidance

I have not been here in a really long time. A lot has changed since I was writing my daily blog as a journal back then. A few key things are that my best friend who at the time was not my friend but instead a worker has changed jobs allowing for us to be friends outside the mental health field. well that went well for a while and I stayed at her place last summer helping out with her sick dying father having a good summer getting to know her extended family and being apart of real life and people. Then I moved to a new town at the end of the summer where I thought it would be the greatest thing that happened in a long time living wise. I however found that it has driven my only friendship into more of a distanced friendship. Not long after…

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The parents post

A complicated person, with a complicated life


I have a severely limited memory, especially of my childhood.  I remember nothing before the age of 8.  I have less than a dozen distinct clear memories between age 8-12.  The memories I do have are not pleasant.  My first memory is around the age of 10, when after a particular bad verbal fight between my parents I tried to kill myself.  My parents always fought and argued whenever they were home together, which wasn’t very much.  All the fighting was behind closed doors and they seemed to get along well enough or ignore each other when other people were around.  My parents fought about everything from the trivial and insignificant to huge topics that needed to be addressed.  They also both fought about some things that really didn’t even exist, accusations that were sometimes ridiculous.  I don’t remember my parents ever getting physical with each other, but then again…

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march 30 2006

poetry my ex husband wrote

missing my shining light
as the darkness covers us as the moonlight peaks thru the darkness i close my eyes and see my shining lights my children
they are to my the flame of my heart as a flame is to a candle and at this moment in time my heart burns like a seven
day candle brighter and stronger as my childern are away from me.sometimes my mind drifts away at the thought my children
and how they lifted the clouds from my gloomy days .each of them daniel my twin in looks autumn my little movie partner
who can sing shine your light on me ,dakaota my little partner in crime and my baby winter rose who i miss so much!my
children are to me like fenway park is to the redsox they and i go hand and hand.each and every week they are the sliver
lining in our gloomy days !they may be gone at the moment but they will never always be gone and will remain with me
and my love for them shines brighter and stronger each day we are away from each other.thru out my days i hear and see
things that remind me of them when i see a redsox logo i think of jason varitek and how he is dans buddy!when i see
a fire truck i think of autumn and how are favorite movie together is ladder 49!when i see elmo i think of kota my
little man!when i cook ribs i think of my little girl eating them as she does with a cute bbq smile!as for my wife and
i we carry on in our tough time knowing our shining lights shine bright and long like a shooting star that only we can feel and see.
as for myself my children give my strength and courage just when i think darkness is settling in!the very thought of my
babies gives me the serenity to handle what comes and goes on a daily basis !so my dear children sleep sweet dreams as i
drift asleep thinking of you my shining lights!you are my light and and always be !and i promise you will be home as soon as
we can get you home!till then i will watch the midnight sky for my daimond light in the sky.
hello my son i miss you so very much !everyday i think of my son!yes you my little boy who looks just like his dad!
someday you and i will laugh and talk and you will ask me lots of things 1as i watch you grow you amaze me with your
candor and resemblence to me in so many ways!you are and always be my carbon copy blue eyes and blond hair!you are
so many things smart strong handsome and all the things that a dad like me would want when they think of a son like
you!and as you grow i wish so many things for you .i hope you keep your silly laugh like elmer fudd and you sense
of compassion when your mother is upset and you sense of loyality to your sisters and little brother.someday when
you are older we will laugh about youre younger days and how daddys memories of you are funny just like the day they
happened .you are so many things to me can seem to come up with all them right know !someday you will come to me
and say dad what should i do and i can only say i will try to give you the best advice i know and way the pro’s
and cons of life you see.but thru it all i hope you remember one thing that you will see with your eyes and heart
as you get older and see the world and your life in your own eyes!someday i will be an old man and you will be where
i am as i write this to you.but always remember i love you and will always will and be there for you anytime any place
just as the song i heard shortly after holding you waiting will my arms wide open!
where does a father begin to describe a daughter like my “jelly belly”.you are beautful and smart silly and full
of are the wind that keeps my sails are youre mothers twin and when you smile i see you in
your mothers are my little drama queen who will be the star of the show when she puts her mind to achieve
something that you set out to do!you will always be one of daddys little girls !when god above gave me you two
girls he gave me the best gift a man could have two little girls to spoil and are like youre name mysterious
and beautful as autumn sun rise and as precious as a twight sky filled with pinks and reds and breath taking for the
world to see!you are a daimond in the rough you see and will be a remarable lady for the world to see!but remember
when you get older that i will always be here for you no matter what and that i will always here you sing shine your
light on me!and every time we see a fire engine or firefighter you always look and say daddy there goes the fire man
daddy that’s my buddy!and sometimes i hope you will be the best at what you do i know you will chase youre dream till
you catch your dream and fullfill it!till then jelly you just do one thing for me go on being daddys jell bell with
your smile and amazing blue eyes and silly smile for the whole world to see!
like the infamous “rubber duck “you came to us like a convoy on the rails steaming for the line is how you
came to your mother and i .you are quite a little man smart kind always smiling and happy !i think of you
alot like the times you and i shared the couch and you layed in the crease of my arm and the thought of you
running to me with your hands out daddy!and playing with you as you drive the little white jeep.and how
you laugh as i tickle your belly !or when i carry you in my arms and you talk to me and laugh!i smile
when i think of seeing you on your tricycle and seeing you running and laughing while daddy chases you!
and when daddy gets sad i see the picture of you and i my big daddy kota!or seeing you in the tub laughing as
i watch you play and never wanting to get out!or seeing you say daddy cup when you get ready to fall asleep
in my arms as i rock you away to your sweet dreams!or blowing kisses to you my little man who loves to sit
with daddy and say hot daddy as i blow on your hand .or the thought of tickiling you with my beard and hearing
you laugh or hearing you say want some as i eat!i seem to be getting sad thinking of your little hands waking
me up and saying daddy!you will always be my main man kota!
as the moon glows from the midnight sky my thoughts of you sleeping are not to far away from my heart and my mind
you see!you are my baby and i wish so many things for you as you grow and become mean so many things to
me!you are my angel a gift from god who gives me hope and strength and courage!you are like youre name beautful
as winters first snow fall and as precious as the springs first rose vibrant and full of life and like a eagle
in flight for the world to see.someday you will look at me and say daddy look at me and when the moment comes
for you to spread your wings and fly i will shaed a tear knowing it will be happy tears seeing you suceed in
what ever you do!you are a very special little girl daddys gift from god!i will be sitting with you and remind
you how you climbed on the couch one night as an infant and grabbed my face saying da!but when you get older
and acomplish what you set out to do be the very best you can be and remember you will always be daddys little
girl and live life head on with no fears and with the strength and courage you showed me when you were a little
girl!but most of all never forget your mother and i will always love you where ever you go or what ever you dream
to be the sky is the limit and nothing but the very best will do for my little rose as she grows into the woman
she will be.and when the day comes and i walk you down the isle to see you get married i will shed a few tears
knowing where you and i came from to get to that place and cry only happy tears and thoughts for you to see!
thoughts of those i have lost
somedays are better than others and we all know that!sometimes we all lose someone special and it hurts for a while
and the constant missing of you all that i have lost sometimes bothers me to no end.sometimes i feel cheated when
i think of when you went to see the keeper of the stars!i wish sometimes i could have just five more minutes with
you to talk and to watch you see my children and see and hear you give me hell!i sometimes think i was robbed a few
precious months i sometimes wish you would have held on for a few more months to see a mini me!you always told me that
you wouldnt live to see another century but you did and as faith would have it as you checked out i was being coy
and stupid not thinking that my last words to you would be over the telephone something i wish i could have taken back
and come to see you more in your last few weeks instaed of being a horny toad.but all and all we had a good run from
the times when i was growing up and driving you crazy!from eating your strawberries in your patch when you forbid it!
to climbing the trelis and hearing you yell and saying iam will get you young the thought of holding your
hand as i looked at the chief as he lay in state.not afraid of holding his hand and not knowing why but that he was
a great man who had his faults but in the end overcame them to see and be with his family.i still remember that last
call when you made me make you a promise not to keep my kids from my so called mother and you said young man what
ever will be will be about me but promise me you will let her see them for me and i reluctenly said yes and lived up to
the promise only to see it make us further apart.but i still think of you often and wish you could be here now with me
in my time of need .but as they say ashes to ashes dust to dust in the end you are up there with the chief and sometimes
i feel you with me !just a few thoughts to ponder for myself you see!
winter winds
as the winter chill is in the air i can feel a winter wind thru my bones on this moonlit evening.sometimes i think life
is like a winter sometimes the winds are fast and forceful sometimes the winter winds are calm at night!as for this
moment in time i feel as if my life is like a cyclone wind force at times and other times it is like a calming wind
on a spring day chilly yet warm enough to take the chill out of my bones.winter winds are the like the end of winter
like clouds off in the distance they move quick and roll out quick.but like life winds change direction and i hope
for sanitys sake that my winter winds will calm down and become warm stable winds as my life should be for my childrens sake.
gone are turblulant days of my wife and i fighting one another like prized fighters here are the days we should be rejoycing
one anothers company as we have a common goal to bring our children and raise them like we planned in the mid atlantic
city we now live in.
five years
as i sit and write the thought of my wife and i’s fifth wedding anniversary comes to mind it has been one hell of a
ride .we have had are ups kids etc..and downs our seperation etc..but i do belive we were meant to be and in the end we will
be allright.i belive god has given us more strength than others to overcome what we have in our past and more strength in
our future.sometimes as i drift to sleep i have so many thoughts racing around my mind.sometimes i realize my wife feels
as if she is one of the many angles floating in my mind and my sometimes life that can sometimes resemble a storm at sea.
but when it comes down to it you are and will always be the love in my heart and soul even thou i dont sometimes admit it!
in first two were rough second rougher and hopefully the next few will get eaiser .sometimes when i am sleeping and caught
in my memories of choas i wake to see you next to me and realizing you are there does more than you will ever know.but most
of all iam proud of you and where we have come in five years and may we grow old and may our marriage age like a fine
wine and may me realize that you with out me or visa versa we made like that song we made it so far and in another five will have a decade
together and in the end our love rmains strong and true.
sometimes i see you sometimes i dont but you are always on my mind.somtimes we laugh sometimes we argue but thru it all you are my
wife keeper of our lives and children.sometimes i dont give you credit and sometimes i do silently,when you need to here the
little words thanks or good job.i sometimes forget that you are very senstive and yurn for my attention and thoughts but
truthfully you are in ways you are unware of.true we have had ups and downs like a roller coaster but in the end we still
are here together.but i do worry about you very much and unable to show you the way you arent crazt like i tease you.
but we will prevail and get our babys back home and go on in our crazy thing we share called life.
my tiger
when i think of my oldest son he is truly my eye of the tiger in life.he is strong and iron willed and shows me every
day that he is a tiger in the jungle we call life.only five years old he demonstrates courage and a fire within that i used
to have when i thought of my father who i havent seen in many moons.he has the strength of a hundred warriors within him
and i hope and pray i can teach him how to harness that power.he can be anything if he lets the fire burn within him and
drive him to suceed in life.i have until this very early morning have misunderstood him when i should have realized the
fire that burns within him.he has more guts that david when he faced golaith and more heart than a grizzly bear.his
loyality his one of his strongest points yet his knowledge of trust is limited like his mother and mine.he is our little
warrior and will be as brave as his scottish ancestors fighting for freedom.his passion is unkown at this very moment
but when he discovers it will be pure and true.thats why you will forver be my eye of the tiger!
a letter to my dad
hello stranger i write this knowing we may never meet but hope someday i will be wrong and this will be a letter you never got.
it has been what twenty something years since you last seen me .as i grew into what ihave become a father myself i swore
i never would let what happen to me to my children .but your ghost haunts me as i look in the mirror and at my son.he
has the curse of you like i do the look of maf .i sometimes wonder if the sun will ever shine on you and i in the same place in my lifetime.
its as if i am running against a ghost when i think of you.i wish things between you and my mother would have been alot different but be
it as it may i found your family and spent time with your mother and father and know what my mother ment when she said look in the mirror
and you will see what your father looked like.know i see you in my sons eyes and face like myself and it scares me that he
and i look like a ghost.i have and always wonder who you are and what you look my friend you are like an old friend awaiting me in the dark
but someday soon we will resolve this matter but for know i will hope if you exist you are in health and spirts and hope
for a resoultion sometime soon.

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may 18 2008

i am in a trauma recovery group and we are into the difficult part of the group where we are working on our abuse issues and i have not been doing my health work because i have not wanted to rehash this shit lately but i guess i really need to deal with some of it other wise i will just have wasted my time and everyone elses time in this group and not really gotten anywhere by doing the group and not working on me. last week was to write our life story on our physical abuse we endured in our life and i didnt do it but i will try to start with what i am supposed to be doing this week and go back and do that another time…well here goes i guess……………………………………………………………………………………………….. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

It started when i was young not to sure of what age really but i do know that what i have been told is i was around 4 years old. My fathers brother david molested me and my brother…i was around 6 years old when my brother told otherwse i am sure it would have continued since he molested many of my cousins even his own children, my mother when she was a teenager even after she was with my father…she had me when she was 16 and he had been molesting her before she had me and after so i really dont understand why she would leave me and my brother alone with him knowing what he did…there is not much of it i remeber from back then but there are very slight pieces of things i remeber like his face and him giving me change after he did what he did…he would have me rub him in his genital area and he put his penis in my mouth…there are times when i see him standing over me and it seems like it is happening only it isnt…i never remebered any details of what happened until the past year and half when i guess after finding out my daughter was molested by my husband bits and pieces of this started occuring and it has been difficult…it all stopped once my brother told and we were put into foster care not long after all that shit came out but i never talked about it and just didnt remember…then after i came home from residential when i was 11 almost 12 my mother had a boyfriend at some point that she wasnt with long and they broke up when he went back to his wife but we were living in bradford on south pleasant street and i had my own room and i believe it happened on 2 occasions where he came in there when he was drinking he would start to rub me between my legs…i could smell the alcohol on his breathe and he would tell me how much i looked like my mom…i dont really think that affected me much because it wasnt a major event in my life it was very brief and i dont feel it had an impact on me…when i was 12 my mother was dating my fathers brother stephan…It was a saturday afternoon and my mother was at work. i was laying on her bed in her bedroom which at the time was the room next to mine.we were living on 11th ave…i was watching a movie and i am not sure where my 2 brothers were or my sister but stephan had come home early from work not really sure why. as i layed there he came and layed on the bed next to me which did not make me uncomfortable at that moment…when he began touching my breast area and slowly moved down to my genitals i became frozen…i knew what was going on was wrong i knew he shouldnt have been touching me but i was scared and nervious…for some reason i could not do anything or say anything to make him stop i was frozen for a moment and i remeber it actually felt okay he told me after he was done and i had jerked him off not to ever tell anyone or he would get into trouble and he asked me if i wanted to get him into trouble and i said no he then made me promise i wasnt going to tell anyone and i promised not to. he then gave me cigarrettes and a 10 dollar bill…i remeber i had to tell my mother that i found the money while at the park on the next street over…so many times he gave me money after we did things it became like he was paying me to have sex with him but at the time i didnt realize that…he always reminded me to keep this our secret and never to tell anyone…he began to favor me over the other kids and when my mother would hit me he would protect me from her by saying something to her to get her to stop hurting me…i felt he cared and that he would protect me because i felt i was important to him and i mattered…there were many nights when my mother was working that he would come to my room and have sex with me and at times i remeber enjoying it…he always told me how pretty i was and he constantly talked through the sex and had me talk to him dirty during it and i did he would say for me to tell im what i wanted and i would tell him fuck me or harder and i was just a fucked up teenager learning all this shit from porn movies he would watch with me or from him a 42 year old man…then i got pregnant with my sone at the age of 14 until corey was born i was so scared after finding out i was pregnant and thinking people were now going to find out and he just kept telling me not to say anything or the baby would be taken from me and he continued this but my son wasnt his…i had had sex with a guy that lived with my father a few times and i also had sex with several other men who i didnt know i would go to parks and watch men that were alone…i would make sexual gestures and expressions to them to seduce them i had become a whore by the age of 14…then my son was born and the sex neevr stopped between stephan and i even after i was tried killing myself when my son was 6 weeks old…i was put into the hospital and then into a residential in rowley where i would get passes to go home and he would pick me up and drive me home or drive me back and he would stop somewhere on the way and i would suck his dick or we would have sex and i still felt like he cared and that even though it shouldnt be happening i continued to do it…then there were the times i was in the psychiatric hospital when he would have sex with me on the way back to the hospital from pass which is the last time anything happened with him when i finally told someone at the mcleans hospital after cutting myself when getting back…we had pulled over into a the dark corner of a hotel parking lot on the way back to the hospital and we had sex and then he dropped me off…there were many nights in those 4 years that even when i didnmt want it he pressured me into doing something with him but it also became like just a part of myy life…my mother went to work and i fucked her boyfriend…there were the times when he came into the shower while i was showering and so many times i just dont remember…there are so much in my life at that time that most of those 4 years i dont remember…even when i had sex with my mothers friends husband it was like i couldnt say no i would just do it to get it over with because he wanted it…i dont remeber a whole lot about details but i do remeber some and i guess this is just the beginnign of it because there is just so much that happened and i times i dont remeber anything then other times i remeber more but right now i just feel like blocked and cant remember a whole lot more than this

may 12 2008

today has been a very productive day i believe it started out this morning getting something faxed that needed to be faxed for a housing application i was having my mother put in for me. then i met with the local nes station and did an interview about the treatment center closing that i utilize so much when i cant deal with sh*t happening in my life. then i went and got gas in the car went to my psychiatrist appointment which by time i got there i was wired and had a very hard time sitting still. from there i went to my relaxation group and group therapy where we had a going away party for someone that i have been friends with for along time who is moving to florida this weekend. after that i had to go get copies of court documents that prove that all mine and my husbands rights had been terminated in order for legal aid to proceed with my divorce filing. well i gave them copies which they took copies of and gave them back to me. I preceded to read them and when i did my mood just dropped instantly and i began to start thinking bout self harm whuich yesturday i just couldnt get it out of my head but i did not act on my urges to cut myself. well its weird because only a few times in my life have i self harmed by punching walls and breaking my bone in my hand well a few weeks ago i went through all thses obsessive thoughts about wanting to break my hand by smashing with a hammer. well a bit ago i found myself beginning to tap my hand with the hammer on top where the bones are closer to the surface but it wasnt enough i wanted to do it harder and i want to break my hand but i dont know why this is how i want to harm myself i just cant get the thinking and wanting to do it out of my head. why dont i just cut instead where i know that will help me become numb and emotionless. why do i feel the need to break my bone i have broken one bone in the other hand once and caused my hand to swell up several times as if it was broken but never has been since then but why now is this the way i am obsessing on hurting myself.i really want to but am trying not to do it .

march 30 2008

right now i am just confused out everythin whether i live for certain reasons or i am such a woose and thats why i continue to survive am i too chicken to follow through all the way and thats why i did it before i was supposed to because i knew there needed to be more than what i had to carry the whole plan through…am i afraid of succeeding whether that be at suicide or at something in life because no atter what i do i fail

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march 30 2008

i have figured it out the reason i continue to try is because of my fear of success and why have a fear of success i dunno maybe what people expect maybe my expectations maybe a whole lot of shit i cant figure out yet but there has to be a reason i contine to want to die and try but there also has to be a reason i continue to fail do i really want to die am i fearful of living in this fucked up worl much longer than i have i know i am afraid of myself and what i will do at times to myself even when someone else is the one i should be angry at i take it out on myself so i believe everything in my life revolves around fear and anger i dunno i am confused at what i need

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July 19 2008

essay needing to get done no more class
well i am all done my classes 4 this symester but i still had a quiz and an essay to complete…well i did the quiz today but am in no mood to do this essay…i just want to not do it…i know that i will still pass the class with like a c or d if i dont do it…but it is 20% of my grade and if i dont do it i will pass but if i do it i will get atleast a B but may get an A…although i want to get an A in the class what happens if i get a B…i dont want a B…i just want to be done with this class…next symester i am taking english 112 with the same teacher and what happens if he gets mad because i blew the last essay of english 111 off then he might not give me good grades next symester…next symester i am taking 5 classes 4 online and 1 at the college i know i need to learn to motivate with this online class shit because i procrastinate everything lately and have been very unmotivated i need to start managing my time and be able to be with myself and make myself do things even when i dont want to but i really feel like i cant right now…i think i need to go into the hospital soon because i am getting depressed and dont wanna do anything…i dunno anymore the essay is only 3-5 pages but really dont have an energy or motivation or want to do it