Well I missed Dbt group today due to my medicaid transportation issue for today but i was aware of it friday afternoon and had informed my therapist who is the group leader of the issue. My son has been here since Friday and I am beginning to be angry with my brother and his wife for doing what they do and treating my son as if he is not important and does not matter. They put him on the back burner and treat him as a live in babysitter but yet do not give him a damn thing except negativity and put downs. I am tryin to use my skills like turn the mind and GIVE/FAST from interpesonal effectiveness module but it is difficult when I am not completely in my wise mind. My son is the only child I have left in this world that I can see and my brother does not communicate with me regarding him at all. I try to communicate on my end but is difficult when there is no communication from the other parties and my brothers wife treats him wrong and also believes that my mother who has raised my son since birth until last summer and I should have no say and they do not need to discuss what is happening with my child with me or my mother when she can not even deal with her own children effectively.
Well today started out rough before group since I got an unexpected call from my therapist regarding my recent thoughts and venting on another blog I have been writing. She talked to me for a bit but it only triggered pure anger in me before leaving for group. I thought group was going to be distressing and difficult but it was not. I was able to sit still talk about some stuff help the group understand how to do the DBT Pros and Cons list and how to apply it to a situation. The situation we used was another memeber not being sure they were ready to graduate DBT Lite which is the skills training group and move onto Continuing Care DBT group which is every other week instead of every week and is more of an application groupled group instead of instructor run teaching group. I was also able to help a memebr who has just stated with DBt see that he is not as he perceived himself since he is having difficulties understanding the skills and what they are and how to use them. I explained to him about DBT being a practice and not a process and that I have been in DBT for almost 10 years not straight but pretty much and although I know educationally what the skills are and can help others understand them and how to use them I still have difficulties and have a hard time applying them in my own life and when things are difficult. I allow my BORDERLINE to RUN me instead of me Run my Borderline. So all and all I feel good about how group went and my progress towards helping others in a positive way even when I am in a difficult space. All and all I was nervous about hospitalization after group since we had agreed that I would meet with my therapist after group and was not sure of how she would approach my angry venting from my blogs and our conversation earlier. All and all I guess it ended alright even though I left there feeling empty and vulnerable. I still am very angry and I know the things I am using as reason for my angry is not why the real anger is there. I believe I am angry with myself for the destruction I have been doing lately and do not know how to take it out on myself without harming myself so I have been inffectively getting furuious and rageful at others when inside I am feeling raeful with myself. I know if I dwell and obsess on my rage of myself it will not be good since I have not been incontrol lately so I ma avoiding that at this moment as it is too stressful to face. Now in DBT tis skill is under the distress tolerance and it is only to be used in the moment when an emotion is too much to face not to use as an avoidance of facing the emotions at a time when they can be handle. So I know I must not allow myself to bury the rage but only to avoid the consequenes of the dsitress at this time. I must face the rage and anger I have at myself sometime in little stretches in the near furture I hope.
Well today I had DBT group. It went alright. I have a hard time in that group because we have male sin it. Today there was only one male in it but it makes it uncomfortable for me to be there and he is very egotistic. All and all I had not been to group in like 3 weeks since I got into it kinda with him. I wanted to quit group. I sorta when in group act wired and unfocused to avoid having to talk about anything that is going on with me and exposing myself to others. I do not like to make myself vulnerable to others. When in the past I have allowed myself to be vulnerable and show people the real me alls that has happened is it got thrown back in my face and it has been used against me and used to hurt me. Especially when it comes to making myself vulnerable with and around men. I talked with my therapist about this over the past 2 weeks and she asked me to finish this module out and then she wants me to transfer to the after-care DBT group. Although I agreed I really do not want to go on to the next group I would rather just quit going at all since every group I end up in is difficult for me to open up and even when I do I do not open up about anything real that is important and needs working on. My therapist runs the group and it often frustrates her when I am wired and unable to sit still and unfocused because she klnows I am only doing it to avoid dealing with real stuff and exposing myself and making myself vulnerable. She at times like today lets me know that I need to stop that I am frustrating her and then that makes me angry but not sure why.
Well anyways group went fairly well today as we are in the ending of the Emotion Regulation Module. We are discussing the skills and sometimes I find it difficult and frustrating to be in that group because I do know the skills and how to use them persay but have a hard time applying them when I should be using them. DBT is a practice and needs to be consciously practiced and applied or it will not help. I use the skills at times but also have difficulties using them in positive ways as it seems I can fit the skills to use as my advantage to help me justify escaping and avoiding my emotions and certain things in life when in actuality the distress tolerance skills are only to be used when something is too difficult to deal with in that moment not to help avoid the situation or emotion forever not to hide from dealing with things that need to be dealt with. The rest of the skills teaches you how to deal with the emotions and situations when u can deal with them and it is not causing crisis or putting you or anyone else in danger.
This is where I instead of using the distress tolerance skills only when in crisis or in danger I use them to avoid dealing with whatever rather than everything i should face.