Well today I had DBT group. It went alright. I have a hard time in that group because we have male sin it. Today there was only one male in it but it makes it uncomfortable for me to be there and he is very egotistic. All and all I had not been to group in like 3 weeks since I got into it kinda with him. I wanted to quit group. I sorta when in group act wired and unfocused to avoid having to talk about anything that is going on with me and exposing myself to others. I do not like to make myself vulnerable to others. When in the past I have allowed myself to be vulnerable and show people the real me alls that has happened is it got thrown back in my face and it has been used against me and used to hurt me. Especially when it comes to making myself vulnerable with and around men. I talked with my therapist about this over the past 2 weeks and she asked me to finish this module out and then she wants me to transfer to the after-care DBT group. Although I agreed I really do not want to go on to the next group I would rather just quit going at all since every group I end up in is difficult for me to open up and even when I do I do not open up about anything real that is important and needs working on. My therapist runs the group and it often frustrates her when I am wired and unable to sit still and unfocused because she klnows I am only doing it to avoid dealing with real stuff and exposing myself and making myself vulnerable. She at times like today lets me know that I need to stop that I am frustrating her and then that makes me angry but not sure why.
Well anyways group went fairly well today as we are in the ending of the Emotion Regulation Module. We are discussing the skills and sometimes I find it difficult and frustrating to be in that group because I do know the skills and how to use them persay but have a hard time applying them when I should be using them. DBT is a practice and needs to be consciously practiced and applied or it will not help. I use the skills at times but also have difficulties using them in positive ways as it seems I can fit the skills to use as my advantage to help me justify escaping and avoiding my emotions and certain things in life when in actuality the distress tolerance skills are only to be used when something is too difficult to deal with in that moment not to help avoid the situation or emotion forever not to hide from dealing with things that need to be dealt with. The rest of the skills teaches you how to deal with the emotions and situations when u can deal with them and it is not causing crisis or putting you or anyone else in danger.
This is where I instead of using the distress tolerance skills only when in crisis or in danger I use them to avoid dealing with whatever rather than everything i should face.