Well today started out rough before group since I got an unexpected call from my therapist regarding my recent thoughts and venting on another blog I have been writing. She talked to me for a bit but it only triggered pure anger in me before leaving for group. I thought group was going to be distressing and difficult but it was not. I was able to sit still talk about some stuff help the group understand how to do the DBT Pros and Cons list and how to apply it to a situation. The situation we used was another memeber not being sure they were ready to graduate DBT Lite which is the skills training group and move onto Continuing Care DBT group which is every other week instead of every week and is more of an application groupled group instead of instructor run teaching group. I was also able to help a memebr who has just stated with DBt see that he is not as he perceived himself since he is having difficulties understanding the skills and what they are and how to use them. I explained to him about DBT being a practice and not a process and that I have been in DBT for almost 10 years not straight but pretty much and although I know educationally what the skills are and can help others understand them and how to use them I still have difficulties and have a hard time applying them in my own life and when things are difficult. I allow my BORDERLINE to RUN me instead of me Run my Borderline. So all and all I feel good about how group went and my progress towards helping others in a positive way even when I am in a difficult space. All and all I was nervous about hospitalization after group since we had agreed that I would meet with my therapist after group and was not sure of how she would approach my angry venting from my blogs and our conversation earlier. All and all I guess it ended alright even though I left there feeling empty and vulnerable. I still am very angry and I know the things I am using as reason for my angry is not why the real anger is there. I believe I am angry with myself for the destruction I have been doing lately and do not know how to take it out on myself without harming myself so I have been inffectively getting furuious and rageful at others when inside I am feeling raeful with myself. I know if I dwell and obsess on my rage of myself it will not be good since I have not been incontrol lately so I ma avoiding that at this moment as it is too stressful to face. Now in DBT tis skill is under the distress tolerance and it is only to be used in the moment when an emotion is too much to face not to use as an avoidance of facing the emotions at a time when they can be handle. So I know I must not allow myself to bury the rage but only to avoid the consequenes of the dsitress at this time. I must face the rage and anger I have at myself sometime in little stretches in the near furture I hope.