March 24 2008

***TRIGGERING*** stuff i wrote to my therapist ***trauma, abuse, self harm ***
Current mood: ashamed
Category: Life
***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

well I guess I will start out trying to answer some of your questions you asked so many today that some of them I don’t remember and tried on purpose to avoid and tried to remove myself from our conversation in order to avoid answering your many questions…I felt bombarded by so many things being thrown at me today and really wanted to runaway and hide…I guess I feel like I can handle and deal with all that is happening by myself and I know how to regain control even if it is not healthy and in therapy I cant do that it is like I am trapped in there with you and have no choice in the matter over having to sit with what I feel and the many thoughts racing through my mind at the time…you don’t allow me to escape things that we are talking bout and when it starts to feel like its to much and that I am on the edge with no way of escaping talking to you about something I need to get out of there and today you didn’t allow that you made sit there and deal with it…I understand that’s what I need but I just wish I was able to escape it all…I am a bit confused about what kind of unsafe environment you think I am in though since al is pretty much a quiet drunk and keeps to himself except when he gets wrapped up in the crack which in turn he becomes a bit pushy and don’t know when enough is enough and continues till there’s nothing left to trade sell or he cant get anymore overdrawn funds from the bank and that is all within the first few days of the month…actually he hadn’t drank for 8 days until tonight although Friday when I was trying to get away was because he continued harassing me trying to get me to take Ricky to bounce checks so we could smoke crack with him and instead I left and went to bridges to get away from that all and he has brought it up all week since then but Ricky is in jail now so he cant blame his calling is why he wants to do it anymore because they denied his bail and he is charged with 3 felonies and I am sure there will be many more since he has been bouncing checks at every place possible several of them at once to support his drug habit and that of his so called friends who I warned him about for the past 6 weeks telling him he was going to get himself in trouble and then where are those people going to be they sure are not there trying to help him no instead they have moved on to see who else is going to support there drug habit…but it doesn’t stop al’s need to question about crack matter fact we just had a whole conversation bout it and I told him I am not doing anything anymore if I need to escape then I have ways top get away and avoid things and don’t need drugs to do it…but any ways he says we are supposed to do it when we get our checks and I said he can do what he wants but I am no longer getting involved because he cant handle it he don’t know when enough is enough and when to stop and it causes problems so instead I will not be part of it I told him…I cant deal with all I am dealing with and be wrapped up with that…I can put it down I can walk away from it if not feeling trapped or like I have to do it to fit in or as if I say no that some one will be mad at me or wont like me…I have enough I am trying to cope with and cant handle that on top anymore things seem to feel worse and feel a lot more that I am not able to control my mind and what is happening at times in my life…well any ways some other things that we discussed if I remember correctly is you asked if these things had happened in my life before…the answer I guess is yes and no…I don’t remember a time when it interfered in my life I mean there were times when after therapy when I was going through some difficulties that I would end up at home and not realize how I drove home like I was on autopilot and the car drove and I didn’t have to do anything…there where many times and I still am able to not feel present but yet I am present during sexual situations with men and that occurred even back when my moms boyfriend(my fathers brother) was doing it also…like I knew what was going on but yet like it seemed so far away what I was hearing and I seemed to not feel a lot of it physically and somehow I am able to do the same thing in present situations that I don’t feel comfortable in or that brings up feelings of not being able to be in control…like I learned along time ago that when I cut when I am having anxiety I cant get a hold of myself I immediately feel the relief and no longer feel the anxiety in my head chest and mind it takes it away…it is a way of controlling myself when I feel I cant take anymore…when I was looking in my backpack today it was to make sure I still had my razor blades close by because I felt backed into a corner and like there was no way out and needed to know they were close by to help me escape if I need to get away it all…I wanted to leave quite a few times just to go cut not to get away from you but to get away from my thoughts and the feeling I was having like I was losing my mind…that’s exactly what I am saying pretty much when I am feeling like I have gone crazy…the feeling of having no way out feeling out of control and like these things are happening and feeling anxiety and shit like I have lost it and will be trapped with these mind penetrating images thoughts and feelings forever and there is no way of escaping it feel confined and like there is no way out when this is happening…I feel I have lost control over things especially my mind…my mind is the biggest thing I try to control in my life I believe and I feel like at times when this stuff is happening I have lost that control and the only way to get it back is to cut and when I do I gain the control back…or the sense or control should I say…but I dunno cause cutting leaves me feeling like it controls me a lot also…you may not understand the reasons or agree with the reasons I feel it was my fault and I asked for what happened to happen but understand that you probably will never be able to change my mind around this issue…I guess I should really explain a bit about some things since you want me to help you understand…this is difficult and understand I wont talk about it with you or anyone else but I was a whore for along time…shortly after he began to have sex with me I began I guess you can say looking for other men to have sex with me…there was grown men with who I had sex with at the park by the train station and I dunno lots of other places…I looked for it and continued to go back for more from men I didn’t know and some never saw again and didn’t know there names even after it was all said and done…that didn’t happen for that long but the sex with my moms boyfriend continued for about 3 and a half years I guess…there were times when my brother would question different things and I always stuck up for him and lied about what was going on when he came into my room at night…when my sister and I shared a room and I was on the bottom bunk of the metal bunk beds and she was on the top bunk sleeping and he would come in and start to touch me amongst other things I would try to use her as an excuse to get him to understand that she was going to wake up or something and he always told me not to worry she wouldn’t wake up and when he was ready to do what he did he would bring me into my moms room and in her bed…my mom worked 2 jobs at this time and hardly ever was home and when she was I was either pissing her off and doing something for her to smash me around or kick me or whatever else she did or she was asleep because she worked as a nurse at a mr residential group home at night 11-7 and from there she went to the post office and would come home between 3 and 6 PM and have to sleep before going back to work nursing so is she really to blame for how things happened since alls she was doing was trying to support us 4 kids…no I am the one who should be to blame because I was the oldest knew that what was happening shouldn’t have been happening since it had happened when I was young and had known about good touching and bad touching from a young age but he also knew he should be doing what he was doing since after the very first time he touched me while I was lying on my mothers bed on a Saturday afternoon when we were living on 11th ave in Haverhill he told me not to say anything or he could get in trouble and said to me you don’t want that do you and I said no and never said anything for years…there were times when I would tell him leave me alone I don’t feel good and shit but that was after over a year of it almost 2 and I was pregnant with Corey and he would still keep telling me coming just for a little while just a little bit…by then we had moved to Methuen and then to south Lawrence and him and my mother were fighting a lot and several of them fights were because of him sticking up for me and why he was giving me money and not the rest of the kids and shit like that and I always lied and when she punched me or had me cornered flipping out on me and I was cowering covering my face with my arms crying he was the one who always tried to come to my rescue and get her to stop…I might be dead if it wasn’t for him…I really believe my mom has always had so much anger against me that she might have killed me several times she kicked me in my head and hit me with objects…it seemed the rest of the kids never made her as angry as I did and nothing I ever did was good enough for her…any ways I was a whore and continued to be until Daniel I got pregnant with Daniel who was conceived behind a park bench in the middle of the woods at winikini castle in Haverhill…this not being able to say no has been for along time I always feel like I am the one who obviously had to given since I allowed myself to be alone with the man which gave them the message that I wanted sex and when I didn’t want it and tried to use excuses they pressured me…they continued to try to get me in the mood or con tied asking or whatever which I felt like I had no choice but to do it and get it over with and most of the time I just lay there and thought to myself I wish he would hurry up and finish when is this going to end shit like that and that is how I have always dealt with sex since I began to feel uncomfortable with my moms boyfriend having sex with me even though I gave him the message it was okay for such along time when I felt it was okay anymore he would reassure me and offer me more money and shit like that…so yes I am a whore and a slut…actually I am considered a prostitute since I had sex for money and gifts…one of the big issues in my marriage was sex…when he talked to me during it brought me back to my moms boyfriend because he always talked through it and told me how good I was and how much he loved me and not to forget to never tell anyone and he whispered shit in my ear and I don’t know I guess when Jim did it I couldn’t handle it he would tell me to talk dirty to him and all this was bothersome and I would refuse and lay there until he was done…there was very few times that I would flip on him around sex when this stuff happened and I would then be able to get away from Jim and cry but I never tried to let it bother me I believe it was a total of 3 times that happened in the 7 years we were together…but several times numerous times I cant remember how many but since autumn was born over those years when I told him leave me alone not right now and so on and so on he would continue and I learned to deal with it…began to be able to fade myself out of the situation until it was over and that was how I dealt with it…that’s how I have dealt with many things throughout my last 16 years since I was 12…before that I was an angry child who was very aggressive towards people in my residential for years and was always in restraints and being held down by staff at that place…when I was in residential after Corey was born shit just got worse I was cutting and being restrained and solstice in Rowley mass which was an unlocked facility for troubled teens ended up sending me in and out the hospital until my mother put a stop to that by say that St Anne’s was able to handle me and keep me without putting me in and out of the hospital and calling her out of work to sign me in the hospital for years and if they couldn’t keep me there with out her having to get called out of work then I didn’t belong there and that is when I was sent to Umass transitions and intensive residential treatment program for adolescents who had issues and couldn’t be managed elsewhere so I was put in that locked facility…in between solstice and Umass I was in ma cleans hospital in Belmont for a month and was given home passes and that is where I ended up telling someone my moms boyfriend was doing what he was doing but never went into details and left it at that…that was the last time it had happened was when he was driving me back to the hospital an hour drive back and it was just him and I he pulled over in the parking lot of a hotel that was right off the highway not far from the hospital and we had sex…I was 16 years old and when I got back to the hospital I ended up flipping out and in restraints and that was the end of it…the next visit my mother and I had together she didn’t bring Corey it was just her and we talked a bit and she questioned me and told me they broke up and said something that has bothered me ever since she told me if I had sex with him there were things only someone who had sex with would know and alls I could remember at that point was that he was not circumcised and she told me anyone could know that…that visit ended with me being very angry with her and yelling at her telling her how would I know what her boyfriends dick looked like and I told her to fuck off and get out of my life and I never wanted to see her again and she left and I flipped out and ended up in restraints again…after that when I went to Umass in Worcester I lived in restraints most of my time there it was only when I was being pushed out of there because I had aged out and was 19 and there options were to ship me to the state hospital or an adult group home that I was threatened that if I couldn’t go without restraints or a major restriction which was 24 hrs in the quiet then I was being sent to the state hospital in Tewksbury that I fought ever inch of anger I had and almost made it through the 3 months before I left without a restriction but the week before leaving I fucked it up and sabotaged it but by that time I had already had a placement in Newburyport and still ended up going to the group home which was august 1998 and from here I went to day treatment in Haverhill everyday…after a week of being there I left and lived on the street for a while here and there with friends and my grandmother and in and out of the psychiatric hospitals for trying to kill myself and self harm and once in December of 1999 for threatening to blow up the group home I had been in for 3 months in Haverhill…during this times there was numerous fights between my mom around Corey and me finding out my sister touched him and my mom protected her and fought it all and she still continued to be caught talking to Steven Chadwick her ex during this time which caused us to fight a lot also…we never agreed on her methods of raising Corey and at times she stick physically would hit me and I still cowered like I did when she did it to me as a child even though I was now an adult…she hit me the last time at my cousins party after her funeral in April 2001 when I was pregnant with autumn…the argument started because I told my sister to leave Corey alone and let him do what he wanted he wasn’t bothering anyone and she wasn’t his boss I was there and my mother was there so she didn’t need to be bossing him around and she went and complained to my mother who in front of everyone wanting to start throwing in my face she had custody and destiny has always been there for him and I had no right to say anything to her about leaving my son alone and she punched me and I took Daniel and Jim and I left…Jim took me to the police station where I filed a complaint and she was talked to by the police and told if she laid a hand on me again then charges would be pressed and she would be arrested and that was the last time she has hit me 7 years ago almost…well this has been a lot for me and I guess I should really stop trying to convince you that things have been my fault and that he protected me since you have your beliefs and I have my own beliefs so I guess we will never agree on this…I just wish you understood me and what my life has been like and is like on a daily basis and why I feel he was protecting me and that it was my fault what has gone on in my life to me and why I deserve to be hurt since I hurt others and failed to protect them even though for years he protected me from my mother…I fight internally with myself a lot around this shit because I feel its my fault but yet I feel like I had no choice and then again I feel I asked for it but yet I have so much problems that stem from it and I have so many uncomfortable feelings about it and I have had so many others tell me it was wrong and I feel it was still my fault but yet I have also burst out in anger when he has been around and told people he works with he is a child diddler and gotten him to tell me was a douche bag and to leave his job when this shit has happened…there was a few times that my cousins husband worked with him that we talked about accidentally on purpose killing him by dropping a car on him and planned it out because the worked at the junk yard together…then when my brother gene lived with me on Franklin street Jim gene and I tried to set David another of my fathers brothers van on fire but it was pouring and the rain kept putting the flames out that we put under his van and then we shoved an orange in his exhaust trying to kill him by fumes being released in the van…we wore gloves and shit but it never worked because he was still alive after that but David finally died I believe it was right after I moved to Virginia he was found dead in his car at a rest area in Methuen he had a heart attack and I dunno I felt relieved at the time he died but yet still I wish it was me who caused his death because he killed me along time ago back when I was too young before I even started school…he was the one who ruined me but yet it is not him who haunts me today even though he stole my life from me like Jim did to autumn he stole so many kids innocents and still always got away with it and was able to walk the streets and violate other little boys and girls…I really got to go I cant do anymore of this the shit is getting too deep for me and I probably should had told you most of this but I want you to realize that most of my life problems and traumas I caused them myself…I got to go I cant do this anymore…I cant talk to you bout this anymore its taking over and I don’t want to lose it I got to get away from this before I lose my mind and my control I have left in this moment…I got to go

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/hopelesslynogood/blog?page=5#ixzz13mKqVVel

march 24 2008

things to my therapist from 2-24-2008
Current mood: ashamed
***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

getting ready to take a nap since i never went to sleep last night and it is almost noon…tommorrow is dakoatas bday he will be 4 at 1:07 am i wish i had him here to hold…both him and daniel were so sweet to there sisters and whenever something was wrong always came to there rescue to make sure they were okay and when i was upset they would come hug me and let me hold them so i would feel better now that is all gone…i have no one to comfort me when i am sad…yes maybe they did more than they should have been responsible for as such young kids but it was not something they were expected to do and it was just there nature and they were taught to love i nurtured them and comforted them and i taught them to look out for their sisters and tried to get them to look out for eachother but dan would have nothing of it as hard as dakoata tried to do the same with dan there was some sort of hate or resentment that daniel had towards dakoata and it is not his fault…jim treated dakaota better than dan and dan was his flesh and blood and i believe jim wanted so much for dakoata to be his but deep down knew he wasnt…but jim pushed daniel away because of dans emotions and ability to speak his mind and not just go along easy with everything…with dakoata from the time i got pregnant with him i was in fear of him being ripped away…i tried so hard to be so perfect with him…he was the one who was on a set schedule for everything and when it was naptime he would get his blankie and go point at his crib…i think i have alot of anger with myself because once the other kids came home it messed him all up and daniel was so mean to him and he got ignored alot because of winters and daniels needs and i kind of left him hanging…he went from my everything to pretty much nothing within days…there was never any time to spend with him although i adored him…maybe i resent myself and regret the fact off my inability to let go and me continuing fight for daniel and autumn even though the state was trying to have them adopted…maybe then i would still have the babies…but how could i have just walked away from them like that just because i had dakoata and was pregnant with winter…i couldnt…my father did that to us he had more kids and we didnt matter then he did the same shit to derek and matthew when april was born…she came along and it was as if he has no other kids and i couldnt do that and now i have lost them all…i lay here crying now not even feeling like sleeping although 20 minutes ago i did and this is what happened all night last night…i would lay down continuing to think about all sorts of things from my kids to my husband to matt to corey to bridget who called last night and put me down and made me feel like shit for fucking up and for wanting to cut trying to make me feel she was better than me and all saying how she has 60 days clean and i need to get on track and go to meetings and shit cause that is what is keeping her clean when that is bullshit because she used with me and also with vernon and james and also drank on valentines day at buffalo wildwings when we went out to eat with her husband and she continues to stay at his house sleeping with him and sleeping around and has to say to me she is working hard to get her kids back and when i say that is why i havent called or hung with her because i want her to get them and dont want to part of her fucking up and dont want her to have to go through what i went through and feel the way i feel,,,she treats me like dirt laying into me about cutting saying that what she does and what i do is different that my cutting is dangerous and i need to just stop and i need to do something about it and all kinds of shit to help me feel more hatred towards myself…so i dwelled on what she said for 4 hours then i called and left her a message about how i felt…she then called back about hour later and denied trying to make me feel guilty and feel like shit she said it wasnt her intention and then trying to get me to feel dorry for her and started the guilt trip and saying that she wanted to cut and shit like that but that she only said what she said out of concern not to be mean or make herself seem better than me…then i talked to my mom also and she now dont know whether she is going to send corey here for the week but he is giving her a hard time and as i see it wants to get rid of him but yet wants to play her fucking head games and play her powertrip shit as usual…by the way why didnt u want to see me this week is it because you are sick of me,,,because i fucked this relationship up to…is it because i am a fuckup and used drugs last week…well by not seeing me is not going to control the situation and make me stop no one can make me not do something…its quite obvious chancing losing my kids did not even stop me from being the fuckup that i am…are you going to start cutting our sessions out because i am getting nowhere and eventually stop seeing me altogether since i am a lost cause anyways or is it because you have plans on leaving soon and want to starting me out of your schedule now so it is not just an instand cut off…i know i said things the other day that was not how i truly felt and sometimes i say things to see if i really matter to people and to see if anyone one cares and i am sorry for everything…please dont walkaway and turn your back on me…i know i have many things to work on but i also know at times i just need to escape reality and run from it all…you know it gets tireing and draining to think on a continuous basis about everything that has gone on that could have gone on that is going on and that might go on…i know it is good for you to be hard on me and to push me to the limits even when i dont want you to even when i try to avoid and want to escape it…at times in life that is the only thing that has helped me get through things and survive rather than having the courage to say fuck it and kill myself…i am not saying i dont want to so fuck it when i am emotionally hurt but when i dont keep it alll within me constantly allowing it to race through my mind at such an abnormal pace and reguarding so many different things in such a short period it sometimes helps even when i say i dont want to talk about it that is just my way of keeping my secrets and people not knowing who i am what i am and what i am going through what i am doing or what i am going to do….well anyways i really should let you go i am done with my crying again for now and need to get some sleep i guess…but i really am sorry and i understand u have the right to be upset u are human and have feelings too and its okay for you to tell me when u are angry disappointed upset mad and anything else with me or at me or at something i am doing have done or have acted or said…its okay i understand but i dont understand how u can be human do this job be mostly like an emotionless person and not able to express to people when they piss you off or does something that bothers you hurts you or makes you angry with them or at them…i just wish u were honest and not such a everything is okay person when i know it is not and i know i did something wring and mad u mad at…ttyl…tc and hope everything is alright with ya this week

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/hopelesslynogood/blog?page=5#ixzz13mKcPlYR

march 24 2008

***TRAUMA,ABUSE,SELF HARM***shit i wrote to my therapist 3-17-2008 ***TRIGGER WARNING***
Current mood: ashamed
***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

I guess theres a few things i need to let you know…

after group today and coming home i really felt like i was wrong in some of the things i said to the group…over all it was a good group and lots of things were discussed and everyone seems to be still where they were back when i left but i guess i need to apologize to you because i really dont feel it was any of my buisness to put you out like i did in group and make you vulnerable, even though when i said that i had seen you cry so i knew you were human i was trying to put it out there what u said to me the other day because i do think a lot about what we talk about in therapy and we had this discussion just the other day about therapist being human and still feeling the same feelings we all feel even if they dont experience the same experiences they still feel the same emotions and i was trying to show the truth to that a bit but in thinking bout it i dont feel it was my place to make you vulnerable to the group the way i did…i guess the way i analyze it it is not productive for clients to compare there theraputic relationships and what occurs with the therapist in a group setting because when brittney felt that u dont show emotions around her i guess i immediately felt i was wrong by what i said…u know it is so true that every human faces feeling the same emotions as someone else but we all react and handle emotions differently even if that means ignoring them or blocking them or avoiding and escaping them…but sometimes it feels like some people dont have them when they can sit there and not fall apart over something i fall apart over and i guess it also matters whether you yourself has gone through or is going through it also how it affects you and how much you are able to express these emotions…as much as it is a job to you there are reasons most people get into your job field and i know that they all say it is not the money they get that is the reasons for them doing it…i feel that if you really didn’t care then you wouldn’t be here doing what you do for us because i myself am not worth the effort and time you put into me…i know at times i get upset with you and things you say or do frustrates me i also sometimes get frustrated with the fact there are boundries and that you can know stuff about me that no one else knows but cant trust me to talk to me if something frustartes you in your life…sometimes it is very hard to see you as human…i guess sometimes i look at you as a human and other times i dont see you as any thing but a machine like a robot emotionless and it is hard to relate or feel you understand and i matter…i guess i question a lot whether i really even matter to you and this is where things get difficult because at times i feel like i matter and am cared about honestly and then other times i have that well what do i matter this is just a job for her…i wonder how it is you deal with such people like me and dont stress over it…i understand the desensortization theory and that is the more you are exposed to something the less it bothers you…you become numb to it…but i guess i dont believe that theory fully and yes a therapist would be good examples of this theroy because of all they go through with seeing people go through so much hearing about so much and watching people kill themselves slowly or finding out some dies and having to just move on but how is any of this possible…how do you desensitize yourself to not let things bother you…yes u are not experiencing what they experienced and are there to pull them up from the darkened pit bu thow do you cope how do you not let things effect you…how is it that when we walk out your office we are forgotten about…like erased out of your mind until our next session…how is it therapists knowing someone is going through so much pain can sleep without worring about there clients….are they really so desensitized that we dont get thought about until the next time they see us or someone else mentions us…i am not sure i could do that…we are all human and as much as i have been exposed to over and over in my life i still think of all kinds of people i have met and worry bout some of them and wonder whats going on in there lives and if they are okay or still kicking and how they are getting along in there lives so how is it possible for therapists to do all this and still have a life of there own without it interfering…how can you have happiness when we dont…

i guess i it bothers me sometimes and gets to me…i compare myself a lot to people in life and mostly to people that have good lives for the most part and always am wondering why they have things or can handle things in life and i cant…i always look at the fact i can never have what they have instead of looking at they didn’t get it by sitting around…i guess i wish i had my kids and was able to be like others who have theres…i wish i had stability and sometimes it bothers me knowing your kids are around the same age as mine and you get get to see yours and hold them and love and care for them…i know i have never actually stated this but i have made mean comments to you around this and none of trhem were right…you were not the one who subjected your children to what i subjected mine to and maybe it is not right for me to feel the way i feel about it but sometimes i feel like because you have your kids you dont and wont ever understand what i feel or go through on a daily basis without mine and i guess it is not healthy for me to get caught up in this shit and that is why i try my hardest not to compare myself but i also compare things to people who treat there kids abusively and cant help to feel that its not right that they can continue to have there kids and i cant have mine instead of just focusing on everything i allowed my kids to go through emotionally and that i may have not hit them and physically abused them or that i didn’t yell and swear at them but i did allow them to be abused even if we fought about what he did when he did it i continued to allow it by staying with them i continued to allow them see us fight both physically and verbally and hear our nastiness towards each other and i try to justify that i never did anything to hurt my kids but i did…i did a lot just by subjecting them to all this and more…no one even knows the half or what i allowed them to go through and subjected them to and probably never will…i guess eventually the guilt is going to take me over the edge…u know its a shame that most parents who abuse there kids and put them through shit cant see it as being wrong but whats worse is i seen it was wrong felt ashamed of it day after day tried to do what i could to get it to change or stop but still it continued and i didn’t do shit bout it except subject them to more by fighting about it and trying to make someone else change instead of just taking them out of the situation and i continued to protect him and since we have not been together i never would admit to what had gone on and tell anyone what my kids have seen and experienced but yet i feel a lot a guilt about it and ststill couldn’t let anyone know instead i protected him and fought for him to have visits with them…i fought harder for him then he did…i protected him more than i protected my kids…i chose him over my kids i guess and i guess that shows that he mattered more than my kids to me…it shows that i am a fuckup and not a mom…i guess i never was a mother because i couldn’t do what any real mom would have done…i couldn’t stand up for myself or my kids and protect them…how is it that this shit weighs me down but yet it doesn’t effect other parents that do the same shit and worse…well whos to judge that i am not the worse mom in the world and that any type of abuse and neglect is worse than another…why do i feel i have fucked them up for life even though they still have so much childhood left…why do i feel like i have ruined them and that they are going to end up feeling the way i feel someday…i know from experience that things that occur in life effects you throughout your whole life and makes you who you are as an adult…but they are not me but yet i feel because i allowed the cycle to continue it is my fault i couldn’t or didn’t end the cycle at me and it is my fault it continued with them…there issues and problems and difficulties that they will go through is because of me…i guess the guilt is weighing on my mind lately and being vulnerable by not sleeping well and having shit reoccur repeatedly in my mind does not help…i guess by feeling as if things are happening as if it happened before and not allowing myself to escape these things and having to feel like i felt back then does not help with any of this…it causes me to look for more and more ways away from it all…why do things need to continue reoccuring in my mind when i dont want them to…why cant it all just go away and disappear…why cant i ignore shit that brings me back…i used to not remember things i used to be able to ignore shit when it was passing through my mind and i could just push it away and avoid it…but yet now i cant get rid of any of it something continues to trigger my mind and i cant get away from any of it…if i lay down in my room on my bed i begin to feel like theres no way out like i am going to die…i have a hard time breathing and feel like there so much weight sitting on my chest and my mind begins to race and i feel helpless like theres no escaping it i cant get away so i have avoided sleeping in there matter fact i dont even go in my room hardly at all…this all began that day i left and overdosed last time…yes there was shit happening in there that i didn’t want to do and felt pressured to do and kept trying to getaway from it…but i put myself in that situation and when i had enough and couldn’t handle it my escape was to leave and take a bunch of pills…even though i was high i still could feel and needed away out that day…i remember feeling like that was the only way to escape what was going on since everytime he left to get more crack i would come out of the room and lay on the couch and fall asleep when he came back he would wake me up and tell me to come back in there and i would tell him later or not yet and he would continue to pester me until i gave in and felt like i had to just to get him to leave me be…i felt like i had no control and since then i havent been able to stay in there it just made me feel like i felt growing up when my moms boyfriend wouldn’t leave me alone until i gavein and did what he wanted…my mind has reverted back to that…i have seen him there and felt him laying on top of me and with his weight weighing me down and no matter what i do i cant sleep in there anymore…i cant go through that anymore i want it to all go away and go back to the way it was when i couldn’t hardly remember what happened when i could just escape it…when i didn’t feel the way i feel and could push all this away and was able to avoid it all…i want it all to go away…i dont want to deal with any of it…i want it to stay buried…u dont understand how much i cant handle dealing with this and feeling helpless like i was…it makes me panicky…it makes me feel like its going on at that moment and i tell myself over and over i will be okay…but i dont think i ever will be i think this is my way out and that is why this is all happening so that i will kill myself…its going to get to much and push me so much i will eventually kill myself and then everyone will know and understand i couldn’t handle things that i couldn’t do anything….you all want to say that it is i dont want to instead of i cant but no i know i cant because the more i push myself to the more i feel there is only one way to escaping it…just because others are strong and can handle reexperiencing past events in there lives i cant keep doing this

i know that i have said a lot in this email but all this has been a lot for me to go tthrough and i guess today just added a little more to the fire when what was said was said…i also felt like you wanted evryone to know how much a whore i am when you said what u said about drunk and high men seeing my body and it being okay with me…well it is okay with me i just dont feel like i have any control when in those situations and i have control over going to a doctor…when i have at my papsmear before ven when i was pregnant it has brought up a lot and the anxiety of it has caused me a lot before it and after it and it is not that i feel uncomfortable about it the way you think i just know that i end up doing the same thing i do when it comes to sex i go numb and send my mind away so i dont feel it…as if i am there i can hear whats going on and i know what is going on but its like i am gone like in a distance and i dont feel this will ever change…its been this way for along time…both with checkups and with sex…well anyways now u can hopefully understand a little of where i am coming from and hopefully realize that it is not that i dont want to it is i cant because i am afraid of where i will end up and what i will do and go through while dealing with this all even though it will actually end up that i avoid it and run from it although i guess i need to deal with it…i guess sometimes needs and wants and abilities all vary to different degrees and sometimes being pushed is in the end the best things from talking to others about it so i guess we have a lot to cover but not sure i am capable of it

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march 24 2008

 

poems i wrote
Current mood: contemplative

A stabbing pain runs through my head

with hopeless thoughts penetrating

its so hard to pretend

but i have never felt so much agony

life without them is so empty

thoughts of my suicide make me content

there seems to be no meaning to continue on with my life

when everyday every breathe i take i feel this way

i wish that things didnt happen this way

i have always just wanted to succeed

but how can you when no one has ever wanted you to

they all just want you to continue to go on in misery

do they really love to see me suffering from so many failures

when will this all enad and i no longer feel this despair

or maybe they all all just trying to push me

to see how much i can take before i succeed in ending my life

keeping all my sorrow and suffering ablled up inside

trying ot keep it hidden so no one will see

no one seems to understand how much my life has been a living hell

i have tostart built some stronger walls

begin to put on my mask and act and also appear content

inside i may feel as if i am in pieces

but on the outside everyone needs to see differnet

i will build my wall high and where my mask and not let anyone in

pretend i am at peace and have risen above

dont let anyone know whats really in my head

when i try to explain alls they do is critisize

whatever i say no one wants to believe

so i will pretend to them all

i am well and on my way that my life has changed

i will hide this agony and bury it deep pretend to be strong

when i am good and ready the rage i hide will come out on myself

out of the blue when no one sees it coming

i will end my life and finally prove my courage

THIS IS FOR YOU MY SON DANIEL

i sat there hoping for another chance

to be mom to you

hoping that i could hold you in my arms

so i could comfort you

let you know everythings going to be alright

i was such a fool to believe this would ever happen

my hopes and dreams have been shattered

i am drowning in misery

dreaming dreams of us being happy together

i would wipe your tears from your saddened heart

if we were not apart

i dont believe i will ever be happy

i feel i will always be miserable as long as we are seperated

the day that comes when you search for me

i hope will end my misery

my scars will remind me of all my misery

they remind me of the suffering and pain

all my tears and many fears

over so many years

my scars have just become a part of me

i am reminded of the days

when no one else understood

nothing else could take my pain away

they will be with me forever

when i am saddened and in despair

when my tears wont stop flowing

when the last time comes that i watch my best friend

help me through to my bitter end

know life has finally taken a toll

when the pills begin to kick in

the scars will be the last things i see

as i end my life and know they were a part of me

for they will always be there shining on me

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march 26 2008

i sit here pondering why i feel the need to cut and dont understand why i continue to struggle with this day in and day out…i have felt the need to cut for days now and have just been doing anything and everything to avoid it…i even slept most of the day yesturday in order to prevent myself from acting on my urges to self harm…lately i have been on my kick about how fat i am and wanting to restrict myself but yet cant seem to control myself enough to quit eating for more than a day or two since i live with so many people and especially my friend that binges all day long and feels the need to constantly offer me food and try to force me to eat as much as he does and whenever he is eating…i have been thinking alot about my suicde plan and how to carry it out effectively where i wont survive this time…i have managed to collect a variety of pills but dont feel there is enough yet since i only have 136 of them and 45 of that 136 is buspar and36 of them are lamictal which i believe neither of these are going to be that effective in successfully helping me to die…my need to cut is just more of an escape from the suicide thoughts and i have been putting it off and the thoughts of suicide have been getting worse…i had been told by someone i respect and that is important in my life and has helped me through the past 20 months of pain and when i lost my rights to my children last year she told me to give it atleast a year before i make any descions about ending my life…welll come june 20th it will be a year and sometimes i feel like nothing has changed with my feelings of wanting to die and sometimes i feel like i need to keep struggling and hanging on in order for me to know if my kids are going to search me out and then other times i tell myself that it is a waste of time for me to go through the next 10 or so years with the hope of them wanting me in their lives then only for me to find out that they want nothing to do with me and i end up killing myself then…as i sit here writing this this is what i am thinking about is why wait and try to do something to become a better member of society and some what normal when i will just end up killing myself then so why not do it now…i dont think i will make it until june if these thoughts continue to penetrate my mind and i continue to feel this way…i sorta have just been trying to wait out of respect for someone that has been there for me and i feel has wasted so much time and effort on me and my life and trying to convince me life can get better when it doesnt change i still feel so much pain and to top all this off i have been going over and over in my mind about my childhood and how much i am effected by the things that happened and how things might have been different if i just continued to exist through what was happening instead of trying to kill myself back when i was a teenager and how i should have just been able to stop it all rather than trying to take myself out of this world but instead i have been weak for such a long time and was unable to protect myself and then couldnt even protect my children from abuse i sit here going over in my mind repeatedly how much at fault i am for my kids pain and how i caused them so much harm and did nothing to stop it ubtil they were gone…now i am not worth anything to anyone…now i am nothing and dont want to carry on…i am sure there are so many people out there that cant wait till i am gone and out of their lives forever just like my kids…i have even taken extra steps this time to finalize my plans of my demise…i am carefully planning it and want so bad for the time to hurry and get here and hope this time it is succesful since i know what i plan to do and am sure i have though it through…i have stocked up pills and gotten some from others too…i have acquired some novacain to numb my wrist in order to be able to cut my artery straight up with out feeling a thing so i can make sure it goes deep enough not just my normal cutting in order to release my pain and anxiety…this time i am gonna do it right and need to make sure i can feel no more pain…most of the time when i cut i dont feel a thing but just to be sure since i will be cutting deeper then before i wanted to be certain i would not give in or give up since i will so much number then i have ever been…i also have thought about stabbing the needle full of novacaine straight into my chest and hoping it would be enogh to slow my heart and eventually it will stop…i cant stand to feel this miserable much longer and as i type this i cant help but wonder why i feel so obligated to someone who i really dont think i matter to anyways…why do i need to continue to put it off until june when alls that is doing is making me suffer more…this urge to cut is more to make the thoughts disappear for sometime and to help me get by until it is time

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march 26 2008

i had anxiety and jsut sat on the puter to keep my mind busy and away from life but of course when u have a fucking drunk and a crackhead schemeing u really cant get away from it all and i ended up snapping when i could no longer handle the chaos of phone call after phone call harrassment and shit from someone who dont live here but yet al kinda gets it going by calling him and them tries to hand the phone over to me to deal with it and i snapped i began to feel live i could breathe i was so stressed and i just snapped because i just wanted to escape it all but i knew where that was going to lead and i told them both i cant deal with this shit right now i am gonna end up in the hospital…so then he ended up going upstairs and starting on his mom and left me alone…i had a hard time calming my anxiety down and felt like i was going to end up fucking up but didnt…i talked to betsy for a bit and after talking bout different shit not what was going on mostly but a bunch of shit like vbh denying me treatment and getting second opinion in charlottesville and a few different things that had nothing to do with why i was stressed which to begin with i dont even know why i woke up so stressed to begin with although i did sleep in my bedroom last night and i find a pattern about sleeping in my bedroom that seems i have a harder time going to sleep i wake up more i sometimes feel sufficating i dont know if it is the size of it or what but i cant sleep in there even during the day without the light on so i donno i feel panicky a bit when i am in there in the dark…but anyways now i havent been able to sleep tonight i layed down at 10 until about 1 and couldn’t fall asleep so i got back up and came out her to the den and have watched some lifetime movies and now been on the stupid computer for 2 hours and am not tired…i have thought about cutting several times and feel like that’s will help me relax and get some sort of sleep but i am tring not to give into it i just want this anxiety and stress to disappate so i dont feel this way and i know if i cut it will immediately go away for a period of time but how long is the question of that and is it worth it i dunno anymore alls i know is i want this to go away and wish i knew why i felt this way i need an escape but escape from what i dunno i just feel my chest is tight and like there is so much happening but yet there isnt so i dunno…gonna call abouta job that was in the newspaper online later today but am i ready for that or am i just setting myself up i want to go to school but i know i will just end up quitting so why bother setting it all up why bother doing anything since i always quit and give up before i even really give it a chance before i can actually see myself beginning to succeed at something i feel the need to cut just to get by but yet what am i trying to avoid in mylife right now i dunno its almost like i have this sense of need for it like that’s what i need to do to survive rather than carry on doing nothing feeling nothing but anxiety and i dunno havent really done a whole lot the past few days so it is nothing going on in my life externally that i see anyways i did get the rest of my shit from my brothers Saturday i talked to my mom and corey Sunday i talked to my friend marybeth for a few hours on the phone this weekend talked to my friend in mass debbie for a few hours havent talked to matt for like a days maybe a week now he hasnt bothered calling did work on building corey his computer and that is almost complete but none of this stuff i feel very good about i just feel like they were things to do and the phone calls were more of just for them to tell me about there fucked up lives and i really never say much to them about whats going on and marybeth and i havent seen eachother since before my mom left and i have talked to her i belive 3 times in the past 9 months debbie i talked to her her almost daily and alls she ever does ais talk about how she was forced to see crisis and how she took off from crisis and how she plays mind games with her therapist and her medical doctor and they wont give her meds and how is it that i get meds and she cant and about her smoking weed and about how her therapist sent the cops to her house it is always the same shit and then she repeats herself also i dunno really how productive our friendship is we met back when i started dbt in august 1998 and have been friends since except for about a 6 week period where she got pissed at me for getting pregnant and while i was in psych hospital she wrote a letter telling me how stupid i was and how she couldn’t be friends with me because of it and about six weeks later i went to her house wrote her a letter handed it to her and she read it and then we talked bout it i told her if she was going to throw a 5 year friendship down the drain because i got pregnant and shouldn’t have then she had some real issues and we have been friends ever since except the 2 times i have just disappeared for months and took off from mass to escape what was happening in life we pretty much talk everyday or atleast everyother day…i dunno what i am really rambling on and on about anything and everything i guess more trying to just avoid cutting myself because i feel the need to but yet also know its been 2 weeks and last time i really put myself in a situation and it is still not healed so i know it is just going to keep gettng worse if i give in but i also know if i continue to feel this way and i put it off more and more i will eventually end up doing it and makng it worse for myself because i have let all this build up…i dunno maybe i feel a bit like i am not even making sense anymore like i am just trying to justify and give myself permission to do it and tell myself it will be okay if i do it will help all this is from past experiences i know that it has helped at times in the moment but not in the long run so what can i do why do i feel so stressed and what about and why am i experiencing so much anxiety and why cant i feel like i am breathing right at times why am i sufficating in my own self wha is happening and why why cant i make it all go away for good i am gonna let u go i dunno what i am going to do right now i just so want to give into the urges

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march 26 2008

things are okay now welll a bit better i dont feel as stressed and full of as much anxiety but i have like no motivation at all i have needed to do laundry since Saturday and really have no clean clothes left but yet i havent done it and dont feel like doing it at all…i dont feel like like going to trem i more feel like just telling them i am going to group and instead going somewhere else i dunno where but i have some thoughts and really want to give in and do it but yet i dunno i know it is only going to be temporary and why i feel this way i dont know and why i want to do it i dunno its like the thought crosses my mind and i cant get rid of it until i do it but why almost as if i need to keep cutting to go on and continue breathing like its what keeps me alive and moving on in life but yet i dont know why i continue to obsess over it even though i dont feel as stressed as i was yesturday when the obsession started…its the same shit with my kids i cant get the obssesiveness about them to go away wanting to know what they are doing wanting to drive by there and see if they are around…i drove by bridges Saturday and got the thought in my mind i could just park down the street and walk around there and see if i could see him even though the cottage he is in is in the back near the playground that i cant see from the street and wish that i could so i could watch and see if he was playing outside and see if he is okay and content and happy i have the same wonders about dakoata and drive by there hoping to see him playing outside hoping to be able to someday be able to visit with him but yet for some reason i dont have the same thoughts around the girls and i think it is because i cant find them and dont know where they live so i have been able to let go a bit more knowing that it is next to impossible to find them except through the daycare they were going but autumn graduated from there the day of the last visit and i do think a lot about going and sitting near the daycare to see if winter still goes there but have not taken the steps to do it and maybe that is my fear of finding the girls are gone and i have no way of ever seeing them i dunno just a lot of things i believe i could get myself into trouble doing but yet i still do them like i cant control my need to see them but yet never do i see them and i wonder if i ever will the other thing is is at court they said something bout pams family taking one of the girls or both i cant recall what was said exactly and i wonder if they have taken off with them and where they are who they are with what they are doing but i think it is worse with the boys because i do know where they are and a big fear of mine is terri moving away with dakoata which them i lose all my control over knowing anything once dan goes to a family and if terri moves away then i lose all ties to them all because once dan is with a family she was going to try to keep the boys in contact and she keeps dakoata in contact wityh the girls so if she moves then i lose them all if i always know where he is then i will always be able to find the rest most likely…i dunno i feel like i am doing something wrong but yet cant stop it why cant i just move on when will i be able to get through this and everything from t he past and live a life rather than continue existing in misery and torment i just want to escape it all but yet i have no motivation to dao anything these past few days but have urges to cut and dont know why i feel this way

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march 26 2008

letter to my therapist from few weeks ago
Current mood: numb
i just want you to know that i realize how frustrating i am to deal with because over the years back when my life was in turmoil for pretty much no reason i guess there was many times when my therapist was frustrated by my inability to stop self harming and my parasuicidal behavoirs…back then she pretty much expected it on a weekly basis sometimes several times a week…at that time i was in day treatment had a case manager had a pyschiatrist had an outreach worker and several other things in my life to help me but i had no need for help i had decided that eventually one day i was going to accidentally kill myself if i continued and i didnt care…back then there were many times when she decided to cut my treatment off for my inability to work on myself and care enough to stop cutting…at that time i guess it didnt matter to me i wasnt ready to stop and needed the escape i thought…i am sorta back in that mode except the fact i feel now i have good cause for not wanting to deal with shit and not caring what happens to me …i guess i am back in the same place maybe more stuck because i use everything that has happened over the past 2 years as an excuse and as the okay to be be doing what i am doing to myself…the only thing is is that it seems as i progress more and more into my self pity my self harm becomes worse and my parasuicidal acts have become more dangerous and more obsessive than back then…i guess i really just am not ready to give up the security i have within the actions…although i have made many more strides in the past 2 years around learning to put some trust into some people i feel that trust i have allowed has been regressing lately to some degree and to other degrees it has progressed with me being able to atleast let some people begin to know what life has been like for me and me at times being an eager participant into wanting to deal with my past but then again i never had and now i begin to deal with bits of it and something will happen within days that makes me feel fearful and scared and i begin to regress back into not wanting people in my life and people to know how vulnerable i have been and still allow myself to be…in lots of ways i have progressively regressed and in some ways i feel i have made some progression that i sabotage at every thought of being hurt again or being unloved and that i reallly dont matter anyways…u know it is very difficult for me to end therapy relationships but yet i sabotage them at the same time…it also is hard for me to feel that the care i get and the empathy and concern is not real it is just a job of therapist and although they try to show it to me the best they can within there job limits it is not something i can hold onto and they are not the people i really want and need it from but i also dont believe i will ever have it or get it from the people that i should be getting it from or gotten it from…i believe i see therapists as trying to show me and give me what i never had growing up from the people i need it from although there has alwasy been therapists and counselors in my life trying to replace the people who should have given it to me i have never been able to accept it…to me that is there job and they get paid for it so it is not real and it is not who i want it from in the first place anyways…but on the other hand i guess at times i feel like a young childing needing to be shown all this stuff and it never feels like it is enough…it is always so short lived and i always know that they are not really there for me whenever i want them to be or need them to be like my parents should be but are not…i feel like a child needing to be cared for and looked after constantly and at times i belive that is what i need and cant get all the time…i am so fucking instituanialized and trained to have people in and out i have expected it in my life and cant get over my expectations and not feeling i will make it on my own without being in a facility of some sort the rest of my life…i guess this is very burdening on you and other treatment providers and maybe none of you have ever had to deal with someone with my extentensive need…yeah you have dealt with borderlines before but maybe not to a degree that u think you have…they were eventually making progress and moving onto better things and less insecurities i am sure but i have been this way for 21 years and all the treatment i have had has just reinforced my neediness i guess and my insecurity and has contributed to my fear of rejection and abandonment issues and lack of trust…it is unfortunate that you have had to be the one tobe burdoned by me since it is not easy but also the way the agency runs at times gives me insecurities and i feel there is no trust and confidentiality…i feel the trust i have gone out on a limb with has been violated and that i need to run from u all in order not to allow you to hurt me like i have experienced so many times before…it really is a mute point in you trying to convince me and force me to work ..ping my self harm when i truly am not ready to give it up at this time and maybe it should be something we dont talk about because i feel like u are disappointed in me and i have cause u to be frustrated with what i am doing ot myself…maybe we should just work on some other things like trem stuff that i am doing and supposed to go over with people involved in my treatment like you or gerrie and i guess bulding trust maybe i need assignments to have a focus on what we discuss rather than discussing my self destruction which only makes me feel worse guilt and shame…maybe it should just be put on a back burner right now until i am ready to give it up and maybe if it is brought up limits should be set around it that we are not discussing it unless i am willing to do something different about it because none of this is going anywhere and if we have a set focus and actual things that we are working on with tangible things i can look at and see progress and regress maybe we can get somewhere even if i am self harming currently eventually it might help to stop if i see i am making progress and succeeeding instead of always having to talk about my fucking up again and again…again i just want you to see that realizing these things is difficult for me and admitting some of this stuff is hard and things will not always get far and i want to stop disappointing u and frustrating u…let me know what u think and if u have thoughts feelings and ideas around this and what we could do to focus on things in therapy more rather than dealing with things i dont want to give up right now and staying stuck in therapy because of my willfullness around my maladaptive coping…if u dont agree just say so and we can go from there but i want your honest opinion not just your professional opinion about all thisi guess we need to buld consistancy and goals around our sessions and do some work is what i am trying to say…but i am not willing to give up harming myself at this time so there is no need to focus on that when we could be focusing on deeper issues i guess this is what i am getting at…i dont know anymore bout lots of things these days i am running off of 2-3 hrs sleep in a twenty four to maybe 30 hour period lately so maybe i am just confused and i know i am not in my wise mind or reasonable mind i know i am running off my emotions even if it is just my numbness most of the time..:

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>march 30 2008

>i have figured it out the reason i continue to try is because of my fear of success and why have a fear of success i dunno maybe what people expect maybe my expectations maybe a whole lot of shit i cant figure out yet but there has to be a reason i contine to want to die and try but there also has to be a reason i continue to fail do i really want to die am i fearful of living in this fucked up worl much longer than i have i know i am afraid of myself and what i will do at times to myself even when someone else is the one i should be angry at i take it out on myself so i believe everything in my life revolves around fear and anger i dunno i am confused at what i need

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march 30 2008

i havent been around i was actually the neglectful one and such a terrible friend to everyone…i overdosed and ended up in intensive care unit since wednesday night but yet dont remember any of it up un yesturday eventing when i finall i came to or what ever but i still dont remember cutting and taking as many pills as i did…so i need to apologize to you and every one else for not being here for them and please understand that maybe not to cling to me because i sole believe in my hear and sole that i will end up killing myself before the end of the year and i dont want to hurt any of u so if i try to be distant this why i dont want to hurt any of you all

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