june 17 2008

well i decided to switch my program of study today from a human services certificate to general studies which will give me everything i need for an associates in arts and science so i did it…i do have the option to switch to liberal arts instead but then i will have to take a foign language and not so sure i will be able to do that so right now i have it as it is…which liberal arts degree is still an associates in arts and science so i really am contemplating doing it…i also have made a hard choice to not kill myself come this friday no matter how much pain i feel or how bad i want to escape the feelings and thoughts i am having and will have…i have settled with the fact that if i need to cut myself to get through it i will but i will not go through with my suicide plan at this time…i am going to just have to feel the pain and hopelessness and sit with the suffering and hope maybe things will get better for me…i can honestly say that in this moment i feel a bit releived not to have that hanging over me and feeling i have to get all this stuff said or written before then so that not to leave anyone feeling at fault guilty or angry…so i have lessoned the burdeon on myself at this time although i still am hurting i am thinking a bit more rational in this moment…i also can say with honesty that knowing i am about to complete my first college class even though i still have many to go before i get any type of degree i at least have stuck with it and not quit the many times i wanted to quit…i havent given up and i feel a bit more competant that i can get through the next class although i am very anxious about it and want to just hurry up and get all the classes i need for a degree done…although things just dont happen over night…my confidence in myself is a smidge more but it changes day to day…i am not saying that i will never kill myself just i have post poned it for the time being and know that suicide will always be a choice i can make when and if i make it…i dont have to make a rash descision since it is a final decision…it will always be up to me when and if i decide to go through with it…right now i know if things get to rough for me to deal with come friday i have my best friend who has been with me through everything and never turned its back on me to get me through these painful feelings and obsessive thoughts and i will use my razor to relieve the pain that gets too much but i will not and am not going to kill myself…it would be really wrong of me to do it while everyone invovled with my treatment are away…i dont want them to feel at fault for not being around for me that day or to feel guilty or ashamed and it mess their lives up and jobs…all these people have been an important part of my life and it would not be right for me to do that to them…i am somewhat angry that none of them will be there for me when i need them but they are always there for me and i can not minimize the fact that they truly do care and it is not there faults that any of this has fallen on this time of year where they have classes graduations to attend out of state vacations planned or conferences they have need to attend to better themselves to provide better care for people like me so i can not be selfish and do this at a time when they are off doing important things although i am scared to not have their support i can get through this and not kill myself even if i do self harm i can be alright i can cope

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/hopelesslynogood/blog#ixzz13mFkkdGT

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