june 24 2008

well friday i thought was going to be an awful day and i was going to do nothing except cry but i didnt instead i spent the day keeping busy with a friend that has been very helpful supportive and understanding…i actually can remeber a time before this when i had a friend quite like her…she is kind caring understanding supportive non judmental and is all this even knowing about my self injury and parts of my life that not many people know some of it not even my therapist and especially my familly not knowing…she has been grerat these past weeks when i have felt the end was so near she has been here for me almost like she is an angel sent from god himself…i know that even though she does not express her disappointment with me when i mess up she tries to overlook my faults and not judge them….she is like no person i have ever met and i appreciate what she has done for me and how she has been here for me…my life was coming to an end when we met and now i have put ending my life on hold and maybe someday i wont even feel like it is an option…even though i wanted to cut a few times over these past few days she helped me stay busy and refocus mind so that i didnt do it but i still am having the urges to but dont want to hurt her or bother her by hurting myself so i am trying real hard just to contain my emotions and control my urges and compulsions and fight my obsessions…but it is differcult….the 1 year aniversary of losing my parental rights to my children just past on friday and my 13 year old and my mother will be coming this friday and my mother is going back to massachusettes on monday june 30th…i also got asked to go to dinner come this thursday by a man i dont really know i have seen him around at na/aa meetings and i am nervous and scared but yet also not sure what else i feel because he is in his mid to late forties and i have trauma issues with men from my child hood who were in there 40s at the time that they traumatized me and stole my life which i may never get back i have been damaged forever and am trying hard to get my life to where i want it to be but am not sure i might never even get a life that i want and deserve because of all they did to me and all they made me feel and all that still weighs on me day in day out

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/hopelesslynogood/blog#ixzz13mFQTpbM

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