march 24 2008

things to my therapist from 2-24-2008
Current mood: ashamed
***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

getting ready to take a nap since i never went to sleep last night and it is almost noon…tommorrow is dakoatas bday he will be 4 at 1:07 am i wish i had him here to hold…both him and daniel were so sweet to there sisters and whenever something was wrong always came to there rescue to make sure they were okay and when i was upset they would come hug me and let me hold them so i would feel better now that is all gone…i have no one to comfort me when i am sad…yes maybe they did more than they should have been responsible for as such young kids but it was not something they were expected to do and it was just there nature and they were taught to love i nurtured them and comforted them and i taught them to look out for their sisters and tried to get them to look out for eachother but dan would have nothing of it as hard as dakoata tried to do the same with dan there was some sort of hate or resentment that daniel had towards dakoata and it is not his fault…jim treated dakaota better than dan and dan was his flesh and blood and i believe jim wanted so much for dakoata to be his but deep down knew he wasnt…but jim pushed daniel away because of dans emotions and ability to speak his mind and not just go along easy with everything…with dakoata from the time i got pregnant with him i was in fear of him being ripped away…i tried so hard to be so perfect with him…he was the one who was on a set schedule for everything and when it was naptime he would get his blankie and go point at his crib…i think i have alot of anger with myself because once the other kids came home it messed him all up and daniel was so mean to him and he got ignored alot because of winters and daniels needs and i kind of left him hanging…he went from my everything to pretty much nothing within days…there was never any time to spend with him although i adored him…maybe i resent myself and regret the fact off my inability to let go and me continuing fight for daniel and autumn even though the state was trying to have them adopted…maybe then i would still have the babies…but how could i have just walked away from them like that just because i had dakoata and was pregnant with winter…i couldnt…my father did that to us he had more kids and we didnt matter then he did the same shit to derek and matthew when april was born…she came along and it was as if he has no other kids and i couldnt do that and now i have lost them all…i lay here crying now not even feeling like sleeping although 20 minutes ago i did and this is what happened all night last night…i would lay down continuing to think about all sorts of things from my kids to my husband to matt to corey to bridget who called last night and put me down and made me feel like shit for fucking up and for wanting to cut trying to make me feel she was better than me and all saying how she has 60 days clean and i need to get on track and go to meetings and shit cause that is what is keeping her clean when that is bullshit because she used with me and also with vernon and james and also drank on valentines day at buffalo wildwings when we went out to eat with her husband and she continues to stay at his house sleeping with him and sleeping around and has to say to me she is working hard to get her kids back and when i say that is why i havent called or hung with her because i want her to get them and dont want to part of her fucking up and dont want her to have to go through what i went through and feel the way i feel,,,she treats me like dirt laying into me about cutting saying that what she does and what i do is different that my cutting is dangerous and i need to just stop and i need to do something about it and all kinds of shit to help me feel more hatred towards myself…so i dwelled on what she said for 4 hours then i called and left her a message about how i felt…she then called back about hour later and denied trying to make me feel guilty and feel like shit she said it wasnt her intention and then trying to get me to feel dorry for her and started the guilt trip and saying that she wanted to cut and shit like that but that she only said what she said out of concern not to be mean or make herself seem better than me…then i talked to my mom also and she now dont know whether she is going to send corey here for the week but he is giving her a hard time and as i see it wants to get rid of him but yet wants to play her fucking head games and play her powertrip shit as usual…by the way why didnt u want to see me this week is it because you are sick of me,,,because i fucked this relationship up to…is it because i am a fuckup and used drugs last week…well by not seeing me is not going to control the situation and make me stop no one can make me not do something…its quite obvious chancing losing my kids did not even stop me from being the fuckup that i am…are you going to start cutting our sessions out because i am getting nowhere and eventually stop seeing me altogether since i am a lost cause anyways or is it because you have plans on leaving soon and want to starting me out of your schedule now so it is not just an instand cut off…i know i said things the other day that was not how i truly felt and sometimes i say things to see if i really matter to people and to see if anyone one cares and i am sorry for everything…please dont walkaway and turn your back on me…i know i have many things to work on but i also know at times i just need to escape reality and run from it all…you know it gets tireing and draining to think on a continuous basis about everything that has gone on that could have gone on that is going on and that might go on…i know it is good for you to be hard on me and to push me to the limits even when i dont want you to even when i try to avoid and want to escape it…at times in life that is the only thing that has helped me get through things and survive rather than having the courage to say fuck it and kill myself…i am not saying i dont want to so fuck it when i am emotionally hurt but when i dont keep it alll within me constantly allowing it to race through my mind at such an abnormal pace and reguarding so many different things in such a short period it sometimes helps even when i say i dont want to talk about it that is just my way of keeping my secrets and people not knowing who i am what i am and what i am going through what i am doing or what i am going to do….well anyways i really should let you go i am done with my crying again for now and need to get some sleep i guess…but i really am sorry and i understand u have the right to be upset u are human and have feelings too and its okay for you to tell me when u are angry disappointed upset mad and anything else with me or at me or at something i am doing have done or have acted or said…its okay i understand but i dont understand how u can be human do this job be mostly like an emotionless person and not able to express to people when they piss you off or does something that bothers you hurts you or makes you angry with them or at them…i just wish u were honest and not such a everything is okay person when i know it is not and i know i did something wring and mad u mad at…ttyl…tc and hope everything is alright with ya this week

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/hopelesslynogood/blog?page=5#ixzz13mKcPlYR

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