march 24 2008

***TRAUMA,ABUSE,SELF HARM***shit i wrote to my therapist 3-17-2008 ***TRIGGER WARNING***
Current mood: ashamed
***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

***trauma, abuse, self harm ***

***TRIGGERING***

I guess theres a few things i need to let you know…

after group today and coming home i really felt like i was wrong in some of the things i said to the group…over all it was a good group and lots of things were discussed and everyone seems to be still where they were back when i left but i guess i need to apologize to you because i really dont feel it was any of my buisness to put you out like i did in group and make you vulnerable, even though when i said that i had seen you cry so i knew you were human i was trying to put it out there what u said to me the other day because i do think a lot about what we talk about in therapy and we had this discussion just the other day about therapist being human and still feeling the same feelings we all feel even if they dont experience the same experiences they still feel the same emotions and i was trying to show the truth to that a bit but in thinking bout it i dont feel it was my place to make you vulnerable to the group the way i did…i guess the way i analyze it it is not productive for clients to compare there theraputic relationships and what occurs with the therapist in a group setting because when brittney felt that u dont show emotions around her i guess i immediately felt i was wrong by what i said…u know it is so true that every human faces feeling the same emotions as someone else but we all react and handle emotions differently even if that means ignoring them or blocking them or avoiding and escaping them…but sometimes it feels like some people dont have them when they can sit there and not fall apart over something i fall apart over and i guess it also matters whether you yourself has gone through or is going through it also how it affects you and how much you are able to express these emotions…as much as it is a job to you there are reasons most people get into your job field and i know that they all say it is not the money they get that is the reasons for them doing it…i feel that if you really didn’t care then you wouldn’t be here doing what you do for us because i myself am not worth the effort and time you put into me…i know at times i get upset with you and things you say or do frustrates me i also sometimes get frustrated with the fact there are boundries and that you can know stuff about me that no one else knows but cant trust me to talk to me if something frustartes you in your life…sometimes it is very hard to see you as human…i guess sometimes i look at you as a human and other times i dont see you as any thing but a machine like a robot emotionless and it is hard to relate or feel you understand and i matter…i guess i question a lot whether i really even matter to you and this is where things get difficult because at times i feel like i matter and am cared about honestly and then other times i have that well what do i matter this is just a job for her…i wonder how it is you deal with such people like me and dont stress over it…i understand the desensortization theory and that is the more you are exposed to something the less it bothers you…you become numb to it…but i guess i dont believe that theory fully and yes a therapist would be good examples of this theroy because of all they go through with seeing people go through so much hearing about so much and watching people kill themselves slowly or finding out some dies and having to just move on but how is any of this possible…how do you desensitize yourself to not let things bother you…yes u are not experiencing what they experienced and are there to pull them up from the darkened pit bu thow do you cope how do you not let things effect you…how is it that when we walk out your office we are forgotten about…like erased out of your mind until our next session…how is it therapists knowing someone is going through so much pain can sleep without worring about there clients….are they really so desensitized that we dont get thought about until the next time they see us or someone else mentions us…i am not sure i could do that…we are all human and as much as i have been exposed to over and over in my life i still think of all kinds of people i have met and worry bout some of them and wonder whats going on in there lives and if they are okay or still kicking and how they are getting along in there lives so how is it possible for therapists to do all this and still have a life of there own without it interfering…how can you have happiness when we dont…

i guess i it bothers me sometimes and gets to me…i compare myself a lot to people in life and mostly to people that have good lives for the most part and always am wondering why they have things or can handle things in life and i cant…i always look at the fact i can never have what they have instead of looking at they didn’t get it by sitting around…i guess i wish i had my kids and was able to be like others who have theres…i wish i had stability and sometimes it bothers me knowing your kids are around the same age as mine and you get get to see yours and hold them and love and care for them…i know i have never actually stated this but i have made mean comments to you around this and none of trhem were right…you were not the one who subjected your children to what i subjected mine to and maybe it is not right for me to feel the way i feel about it but sometimes i feel like because you have your kids you dont and wont ever understand what i feel or go through on a daily basis without mine and i guess it is not healthy for me to get caught up in this shit and that is why i try my hardest not to compare myself but i also compare things to people who treat there kids abusively and cant help to feel that its not right that they can continue to have there kids and i cant have mine instead of just focusing on everything i allowed my kids to go through emotionally and that i may have not hit them and physically abused them or that i didn’t yell and swear at them but i did allow them to be abused even if we fought about what he did when he did it i continued to allow it by staying with them i continued to allow them see us fight both physically and verbally and hear our nastiness towards each other and i try to justify that i never did anything to hurt my kids but i did…i did a lot just by subjecting them to all this and more…no one even knows the half or what i allowed them to go through and subjected them to and probably never will…i guess eventually the guilt is going to take me over the edge…u know its a shame that most parents who abuse there kids and put them through shit cant see it as being wrong but whats worse is i seen it was wrong felt ashamed of it day after day tried to do what i could to get it to change or stop but still it continued and i didn’t do shit bout it except subject them to more by fighting about it and trying to make someone else change instead of just taking them out of the situation and i continued to protect him and since we have not been together i never would admit to what had gone on and tell anyone what my kids have seen and experienced but yet i feel a lot a guilt about it and ststill couldn’t let anyone know instead i protected him and fought for him to have visits with them…i fought harder for him then he did…i protected him more than i protected my kids…i chose him over my kids i guess and i guess that shows that he mattered more than my kids to me…it shows that i am a fuckup and not a mom…i guess i never was a mother because i couldn’t do what any real mom would have done…i couldn’t stand up for myself or my kids and protect them…how is it that this shit weighs me down but yet it doesn’t effect other parents that do the same shit and worse…well whos to judge that i am not the worse mom in the world and that any type of abuse and neglect is worse than another…why do i feel i have fucked them up for life even though they still have so much childhood left…why do i feel like i have ruined them and that they are going to end up feeling the way i feel someday…i know from experience that things that occur in life effects you throughout your whole life and makes you who you are as an adult…but they are not me but yet i feel because i allowed the cycle to continue it is my fault i couldn’t or didn’t end the cycle at me and it is my fault it continued with them…there issues and problems and difficulties that they will go through is because of me…i guess the guilt is weighing on my mind lately and being vulnerable by not sleeping well and having shit reoccur repeatedly in my mind does not help…i guess by feeling as if things are happening as if it happened before and not allowing myself to escape these things and having to feel like i felt back then does not help with any of this…it causes me to look for more and more ways away from it all…why do things need to continue reoccuring in my mind when i dont want them to…why cant it all just go away and disappear…why cant i ignore shit that brings me back…i used to not remember things i used to be able to ignore shit when it was passing through my mind and i could just push it away and avoid it…but yet now i cant get rid of any of it something continues to trigger my mind and i cant get away from any of it…if i lay down in my room on my bed i begin to feel like theres no way out like i am going to die…i have a hard time breathing and feel like there so much weight sitting on my chest and my mind begins to race and i feel helpless like theres no escaping it i cant get away so i have avoided sleeping in there matter fact i dont even go in my room hardly at all…this all began that day i left and overdosed last time…yes there was shit happening in there that i didn’t want to do and felt pressured to do and kept trying to getaway from it…but i put myself in that situation and when i had enough and couldn’t handle it my escape was to leave and take a bunch of pills…even though i was high i still could feel and needed away out that day…i remember feeling like that was the only way to escape what was going on since everytime he left to get more crack i would come out of the room and lay on the couch and fall asleep when he came back he would wake me up and tell me to come back in there and i would tell him later or not yet and he would continue to pester me until i gave in and felt like i had to just to get him to leave me be…i felt like i had no control and since then i havent been able to stay in there it just made me feel like i felt growing up when my moms boyfriend wouldn’t leave me alone until i gavein and did what he wanted…my mind has reverted back to that…i have seen him there and felt him laying on top of me and with his weight weighing me down and no matter what i do i cant sleep in there anymore…i cant go through that anymore i want it to all go away and go back to the way it was when i couldn’t hardly remember what happened when i could just escape it…when i didn’t feel the way i feel and could push all this away and was able to avoid it all…i want it all to go away…i dont want to deal with any of it…i want it to stay buried…u dont understand how much i cant handle dealing with this and feeling helpless like i was…it makes me panicky…it makes me feel like its going on at that moment and i tell myself over and over i will be okay…but i dont think i ever will be i think this is my way out and that is why this is all happening so that i will kill myself…its going to get to much and push me so much i will eventually kill myself and then everyone will know and understand i couldn’t handle things that i couldn’t do anything….you all want to say that it is i dont want to instead of i cant but no i know i cant because the more i push myself to the more i feel there is only one way to escaping it…just because others are strong and can handle reexperiencing past events in there lives i cant keep doing this

i know that i have said a lot in this email but all this has been a lot for me to go tthrough and i guess today just added a little more to the fire when what was said was said…i also felt like you wanted evryone to know how much a whore i am when you said what u said about drunk and high men seeing my body and it being okay with me…well it is okay with me i just dont feel like i have any control when in those situations and i have control over going to a doctor…when i have at my papsmear before ven when i was pregnant it has brought up a lot and the anxiety of it has caused me a lot before it and after it and it is not that i feel uncomfortable about it the way you think i just know that i end up doing the same thing i do when it comes to sex i go numb and send my mind away so i dont feel it…as if i am there i can hear whats going on and i know what is going on but its like i am gone like in a distance and i dont feel this will ever change…its been this way for along time…both with checkups and with sex…well anyways now u can hopefully understand a little of where i am coming from and hopefully realize that it is not that i dont want to it is i cant because i am afraid of where i will end up and what i will do and go through while dealing with this all even though it will actually end up that i avoid it and run from it although i guess i need to deal with it…i guess sometimes needs and wants and abilities all vary to different degrees and sometimes being pushed is in the end the best things from talking to others about it so i guess we have a lot to cover but not sure i am capable of it

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/hopelesslynogood/blog?page=5#ixzz13mKOn0ZD

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s