march 26 2008

things are okay now welll a bit better i dont feel as stressed and full of as much anxiety but i have like no motivation at all i have needed to do laundry since Saturday and really have no clean clothes left but yet i havent done it and dont feel like doing it at all…i dont feel like like going to trem i more feel like just telling them i am going to group and instead going somewhere else i dunno where but i have some thoughts and really want to give in and do it but yet i dunno i know it is only going to be temporary and why i feel this way i dont know and why i want to do it i dunno its like the thought crosses my mind and i cant get rid of it until i do it but why almost as if i need to keep cutting to go on and continue breathing like its what keeps me alive and moving on in life but yet i dont know why i continue to obsess over it even though i dont feel as stressed as i was yesturday when the obsession started…its the same shit with my kids i cant get the obssesiveness about them to go away wanting to know what they are doing wanting to drive by there and see if they are around…i drove by bridges Saturday and got the thought in my mind i could just park down the street and walk around there and see if i could see him even though the cottage he is in is in the back near the playground that i cant see from the street and wish that i could so i could watch and see if he was playing outside and see if he is okay and content and happy i have the same wonders about dakoata and drive by there hoping to see him playing outside hoping to be able to someday be able to visit with him but yet for some reason i dont have the same thoughts around the girls and i think it is because i cant find them and dont know where they live so i have been able to let go a bit more knowing that it is next to impossible to find them except through the daycare they were going but autumn graduated from there the day of the last visit and i do think a lot about going and sitting near the daycare to see if winter still goes there but have not taken the steps to do it and maybe that is my fear of finding the girls are gone and i have no way of ever seeing them i dunno just a lot of things i believe i could get myself into trouble doing but yet i still do them like i cant control my need to see them but yet never do i see them and i wonder if i ever will the other thing is is at court they said something bout pams family taking one of the girls or both i cant recall what was said exactly and i wonder if they have taken off with them and where they are who they are with what they are doing but i think it is worse with the boys because i do know where they are and a big fear of mine is terri moving away with dakoata which them i lose all my control over knowing anything once dan goes to a family and if terri moves away then i lose all ties to them all because once dan is with a family she was going to try to keep the boys in contact and she keeps dakoata in contact wityh the girls so if she moves then i lose them all if i always know where he is then i will always be able to find the rest most likely…i dunno i feel like i am doing something wrong but yet cant stop it why cant i just move on when will i be able to get through this and everything from t he past and live a life rather than continue existing in misery and torment i just want to escape it all but yet i have no motivation to dao anything these past few days but have urges to cut and dont know why i feel this way

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