march 26 2008

i had anxiety and jsut sat on the puter to keep my mind busy and away from life but of course when u have a fucking drunk and a crackhead schemeing u really cant get away from it all and i ended up snapping when i could no longer handle the chaos of phone call after phone call harrassment and shit from someone who dont live here but yet al kinda gets it going by calling him and them tries to hand the phone over to me to deal with it and i snapped i began to feel live i could breathe i was so stressed and i just snapped because i just wanted to escape it all but i knew where that was going to lead and i told them both i cant deal with this shit right now i am gonna end up in the hospital…so then he ended up going upstairs and starting on his mom and left me alone…i had a hard time calming my anxiety down and felt like i was going to end up fucking up but didnt…i talked to betsy for a bit and after talking bout different shit not what was going on mostly but a bunch of shit like vbh denying me treatment and getting second opinion in charlottesville and a few different things that had nothing to do with why i was stressed which to begin with i dont even know why i woke up so stressed to begin with although i did sleep in my bedroom last night and i find a pattern about sleeping in my bedroom that seems i have a harder time going to sleep i wake up more i sometimes feel sufficating i dont know if it is the size of it or what but i cant sleep in there even during the day without the light on so i donno i feel panicky a bit when i am in there in the dark…but anyways now i havent been able to sleep tonight i layed down at 10 until about 1 and couldn’t fall asleep so i got back up and came out her to the den and have watched some lifetime movies and now been on the stupid computer for 2 hours and am not tired…i have thought about cutting several times and feel like that’s will help me relax and get some sort of sleep but i am tring not to give into it i just want this anxiety and stress to disappate so i dont feel this way and i know if i cut it will immediately go away for a period of time but how long is the question of that and is it worth it i dunno anymore alls i know is i want this to go away and wish i knew why i felt this way i need an escape but escape from what i dunno i just feel my chest is tight and like there is so much happening but yet there isnt so i dunno…gonna call abouta job that was in the newspaper online later today but am i ready for that or am i just setting myself up i want to go to school but i know i will just end up quitting so why bother setting it all up why bother doing anything since i always quit and give up before i even really give it a chance before i can actually see myself beginning to succeed at something i feel the need to cut just to get by but yet what am i trying to avoid in mylife right now i dunno its almost like i have this sense of need for it like that’s what i need to do to survive rather than carry on doing nothing feeling nothing but anxiety and i dunno havent really done a whole lot the past few days so it is nothing going on in my life externally that i see anyways i did get the rest of my shit from my brothers Saturday i talked to my mom and corey Sunday i talked to my friend marybeth for a few hours on the phone this weekend talked to my friend in mass debbie for a few hours havent talked to matt for like a days maybe a week now he hasnt bothered calling did work on building corey his computer and that is almost complete but none of this stuff i feel very good about i just feel like they were things to do and the phone calls were more of just for them to tell me about there fucked up lives and i really never say much to them about whats going on and marybeth and i havent seen eachother since before my mom left and i have talked to her i belive 3 times in the past 9 months debbie i talked to her her almost daily and alls she ever does ais talk about how she was forced to see crisis and how she took off from crisis and how she plays mind games with her therapist and her medical doctor and they wont give her meds and how is it that i get meds and she cant and about her smoking weed and about how her therapist sent the cops to her house it is always the same shit and then she repeats herself also i dunno really how productive our friendship is we met back when i started dbt in august 1998 and have been friends since except for about a 6 week period where she got pissed at me for getting pregnant and while i was in psych hospital she wrote a letter telling me how stupid i was and how she couldn’t be friends with me because of it and about six weeks later i went to her house wrote her a letter handed it to her and she read it and then we talked bout it i told her if she was going to throw a 5 year friendship down the drain because i got pregnant and shouldn’t have then she had some real issues and we have been friends ever since except the 2 times i have just disappeared for months and took off from mass to escape what was happening in life we pretty much talk everyday or atleast everyother day…i dunno what i am really rambling on and on about anything and everything i guess more trying to just avoid cutting myself because i feel the need to but yet also know its been 2 weeks and last time i really put myself in a situation and it is still not healed so i know it is just going to keep gettng worse if i give in but i also know if i continue to feel this way and i put it off more and more i will eventually end up doing it and makng it worse for myself because i have let all this build up…i dunno maybe i feel a bit like i am not even making sense anymore like i am just trying to justify and give myself permission to do it and tell myself it will be okay if i do it will help all this is from past experiences i know that it has helped at times in the moment but not in the long run so what can i do why do i feel so stressed and what about and why am i experiencing so much anxiety and why cant i feel like i am breathing right at times why am i sufficating in my own self wha is happening and why why cant i make it all go away for good i am gonna let u go i dunno what i am going to do right now i just so want to give into the urges

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