march 26 2008

letter to my therapist from few weeks ago
Current mood: numb
i just want you to know that i realize how frustrating i am to deal with because over the years back when my life was in turmoil for pretty much no reason i guess there was many times when my therapist was frustrated by my inability to stop self harming and my parasuicidal behavoirs…back then she pretty much expected it on a weekly basis sometimes several times a week…at that time i was in day treatment had a case manager had a pyschiatrist had an outreach worker and several other things in my life to help me but i had no need for help i had decided that eventually one day i was going to accidentally kill myself if i continued and i didnt care…back then there were many times when she decided to cut my treatment off for my inability to work on myself and care enough to stop cutting…at that time i guess it didnt matter to me i wasnt ready to stop and needed the escape i thought…i am sorta back in that mode except the fact i feel now i have good cause for not wanting to deal with shit and not caring what happens to me …i guess i am back in the same place maybe more stuck because i use everything that has happened over the past 2 years as an excuse and as the okay to be be doing what i am doing to myself…the only thing is is that it seems as i progress more and more into my self pity my self harm becomes worse and my parasuicidal acts have become more dangerous and more obsessive than back then…i guess i really just am not ready to give up the security i have within the actions…although i have made many more strides in the past 2 years around learning to put some trust into some people i feel that trust i have allowed has been regressing lately to some degree and to other degrees it has progressed with me being able to atleast let some people begin to know what life has been like for me and me at times being an eager participant into wanting to deal with my past but then again i never had and now i begin to deal with bits of it and something will happen within days that makes me feel fearful and scared and i begin to regress back into not wanting people in my life and people to know how vulnerable i have been and still allow myself to be…in lots of ways i have progressively regressed and in some ways i feel i have made some progression that i sabotage at every thought of being hurt again or being unloved and that i reallly dont matter anyways…u know it is very difficult for me to end therapy relationships but yet i sabotage them at the same time…it also is hard for me to feel that the care i get and the empathy and concern is not real it is just a job of therapist and although they try to show it to me the best they can within there job limits it is not something i can hold onto and they are not the people i really want and need it from but i also dont believe i will ever have it or get it from the people that i should be getting it from or gotten it from…i believe i see therapists as trying to show me and give me what i never had growing up from the people i need it from although there has alwasy been therapists and counselors in my life trying to replace the people who should have given it to me i have never been able to accept it…to me that is there job and they get paid for it so it is not real and it is not who i want it from in the first place anyways…but on the other hand i guess at times i feel like a young childing needing to be shown all this stuff and it never feels like it is enough…it is always so short lived and i always know that they are not really there for me whenever i want them to be or need them to be like my parents should be but are not…i feel like a child needing to be cared for and looked after constantly and at times i belive that is what i need and cant get all the time…i am so fucking instituanialized and trained to have people in and out i have expected it in my life and cant get over my expectations and not feeling i will make it on my own without being in a facility of some sort the rest of my life…i guess this is very burdening on you and other treatment providers and maybe none of you have ever had to deal with someone with my extentensive need…yeah you have dealt with borderlines before but maybe not to a degree that u think you have…they were eventually making progress and moving onto better things and less insecurities i am sure but i have been this way for 21 years and all the treatment i have had has just reinforced my neediness i guess and my insecurity and has contributed to my fear of rejection and abandonment issues and lack of trust…it is unfortunate that you have had to be the one tobe burdoned by me since it is not easy but also the way the agency runs at times gives me insecurities and i feel there is no trust and confidentiality…i feel the trust i have gone out on a limb with has been violated and that i need to run from u all in order not to allow you to hurt me like i have experienced so many times before…it really is a mute point in you trying to convince me and force me to work my self harm when i truly am not ready to give it up at this time and maybe it should be something we dont talk about because i feel like u are disappointed in me and i have cause u to be frustrated with what i am doing ot myself…maybe we should just work on some other things like trem stuff that i am doing and supposed to go over with people involved in my treatment like you or gerrie and i guess bulding trust maybe i need assignments to have a focus on what we discuss rather than discussing my self destruction which only makes me feel worse guilt and shame…maybe it should just be put on a back burner right now until i am ready to give it up and maybe if it is brought up limits should be set around it that we are not discussing it unless i am willing to do something different about it because none of this is going anywhere and if we have a set focus and actual things that we are working on with tangible things i can look at and see progress and regress maybe we can get somewhere even if i am self harming currently eventually it might help to stop if i see i am making progress and succeeeding instead of always having to talk about my fucking up again and again…again i just want you to see that realizing these things is difficult for me and admitting some of this stuff is hard and things will not always get far and i want to stop disappointing u and frustrating u…let me know what u think and if u have thoughts feelings and ideas around this and what we could do to focus on things in therapy more rather than dealing with things i dont want to give up right now and staying stuck in therapy because of my willfullness around my maladaptive coping…if u dont agree just say so and we can go from there but i want your honest opinion not just your professional opinion about all thisi guess we need to buld consistancy and goals around our sessions and do some work is what i am trying to say…but i am not willing to give up harming myself at this time so there is no need to focus on that when we could be focusing on deeper issues i guess this is what i am getting at…i dont know anymore bout lots of things these days i am running off of 2-3 hrs sleep in a twenty four to maybe 30 hour period lately so maybe i am just confused and i know i am not in my wise mind or reasonable mind i know i am running off my emotions even if it is just my numbness most of the time..:

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