march 26 2008

i sit here pondering why i feel the need to cut and dont understand why i continue to struggle with this day in and day out…i have felt the need to cut for days now and have just been doing anything and everything to avoid it…i even slept most of the day yesturday in order to prevent myself from acting on my urges to self harm…lately i have been on my kick about how fat i am and wanting to restrict myself but yet cant seem to control myself enough to quit eating for more than a day or two since i live with so many people and especially my friend that binges all day long and feels the need to constantly offer me food and try to force me to eat as much as he does and whenever he is eating…i have been thinking alot about my suicde plan and how to carry it out effectively where i wont survive this time…i have managed to collect a variety of pills but dont feel there is enough yet since i only have 136 of them and 45 of that 136 is buspar and36 of them are lamictal which i believe neither of these are going to be that effective in successfully helping me to die…my need to cut is just more of an escape from the suicide thoughts and i have been putting it off and the thoughts of suicide have been getting worse…i had been told by someone i respect and that is important in my life and has helped me through the past 20 months of pain and when i lost my rights to my children last year she told me to give it atleast a year before i make any descions about ending my life…welll come june 20th it will be a year and sometimes i feel like nothing has changed with my feelings of wanting to die and sometimes i feel like i need to keep struggling and hanging on in order for me to know if my kids are going to search me out and then other times i tell myself that it is a waste of time for me to go through the next 10 or so years with the hope of them wanting me in their lives then only for me to find out that they want nothing to do with me and i end up killing myself then…as i sit here writing this this is what i am thinking about is why wait and try to do something to become a better member of society and some what normal when i will just end up killing myself then so why not do it now…i dont think i will make it until june if these thoughts continue to penetrate my mind and i continue to feel this way…i sorta have just been trying to wait out of respect for someone that has been there for me and i feel has wasted so much time and effort on me and my life and trying to convince me life can get better when it doesnt change i still feel so much pain and to top all this off i have been going over and over in my mind about my childhood and how much i am effected by the things that happened and how things might have been different if i just continued to exist through what was happening instead of trying to kill myself back when i was a teenager and how i should have just been able to stop it all rather than trying to take myself out of this world but instead i have been weak for such a long time and was unable to protect myself and then couldnt even protect my children from abuse i sit here going over in my mind repeatedly how much at fault i am for my kids pain and how i caused them so much harm and did nothing to stop it ubtil they were gone…now i am not worth anything to anyone…now i am nothing and dont want to carry on…i am sure there are so many people out there that cant wait till i am gone and out of their lives forever just like my kids…i have even taken extra steps this time to finalize my plans of my demise…i am carefully planning it and want so bad for the time to hurry and get here and hope this time it is succesful since i know what i plan to do and am sure i have though it through…i have stocked up pills and gotten some from others too…i have acquired some novacain to numb my wrist in order to be able to cut my artery straight up with out feeling a thing so i can make sure it goes deep enough not just my normal cutting in order to release my pain and anxiety…this time i am gonna do it right and need to make sure i can feel no more pain…most of the time when i cut i dont feel a thing but just to be sure since i will be cutting deeper then before i wanted to be certain i would not give in or give up since i will so much number then i have ever been…i also have thought about stabbing the needle full of novacaine straight into my chest and hoping it would be enogh to slow my heart and eventually it will stop…i cant stand to feel this miserable much longer and as i type this i cant help but wonder why i feel so obligated to someone who i really dont think i matter to anyways…why do i need to continue to put it off until june when alls that is doing is making me suffer more…this urge to cut is more to make the thoughts disappear for sometime and to help me get by until it is time

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