may 10 2008

There are some very special people to me in my life at the presant time that are being layed off or moved from the treatment center in our town that has been a lifeline for me for the past almost 2 years and I am having a differcult time knowing that these people will no longer be able to be there for me when i need them. Yes maybe I used the treatment center as an escape when I dont feel I can handle what is occuring in my life or when my life is in a downward spiral and maybe i used it a lot more than I should have. But these people I am having a differcult time with what is going on are more to me then just clinicians or staff from the treatment center that they are shutting down. These people have made a real impact on my life and where I am today. Without them I dont feel I would be as far as I am in this time in my life since I believe I would have been dead already. After losing my parental rights last june 20th to my 4 youngest children my life felt over. If it were not for thses special people I probably would have committed suicide at that time but instead they took me under there wing and treated me like a human being not just someone who didnt matter. These people were more to me than just treatment providers some of them were friends and some of them have treated me better than I have ever been treated in my life. They have tried to lead me in the right direction and have never tried to hurt me or take advantage of me. They have fought for me when no one else wopuld and when others lost faith in me they never did. They treated there job as more then just a job. They have gone above and beyond what there job duties entailed and didnt let money get in the way of that when they did things for us clients when they were not scheduled they did things on there own time out of the pure goodness of there hearts. I feel like I am losing everyone I have had even if I still have the same therapist and case manager it is not the same. Some of these people have spent hours on the phone with me when they were not working to help me through differculties and to make sure I knew they cared and I mattered to them. Some of them have dragged me from the deepest hole I have been in in my lifetime and made me feel that there were still reasons to go on in life. Some of them have pushed me harder than I would have wanted to be pushed to actually deal with things I never wanted to begin to deal with. Not to hurt me did they push me they pushed me because they believe in me. They puished me because they know my life is more valuable than I believe. These are the people that are being ripped away from me and I feel very angry and sad about all of it. I feel like I am losing so much that I never had and now have been given only for other people to be making the descisions they have made to take these people away from all of us that need them in our lives. I have lost so much in my life and now someone is taking more from me. Yes I have a great therapist and she is supportive and caring but she just can not replace these people she can not make up for all the extra time when she was unavailable that these people were there. These people are not replaceable just like I believe she is not but she cant be available at times that these people were available to me and this may be differcult to cope with. These people did alot of the things they did for me out of the greatness of there hearts things they didnt have to do things that were not part of there job things they should have and could have just walked away from and ignored and treated me as if I didnt matter but none of these people did that. They all have made a difference in who I am as a person today and where I am even if I havent become what they hope for me to become. I truly care for them and I know that they truly care for me and that has made a world of difference over this last almost 2 years.

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