may 11 2008

The urges are beggining to get too much for me these past few days but yet I cant put my finger on reasons why I feel like cutting or why the thoughts continue to become such a time consuming thinking through my mind constantly. I know it maybe some things going on around my life because of Mothers day today and not being able to be with my kids or even see them anymore and people saying happy mothers day when I really dont feel like a mom because i no longer am considered there mom anymore. My oldest son has always been raised by jmy mother so i really dont even feel like he is mine. I guess i have alot of guilt around being my kids mom and not being able to care for them and protect them the way they needed to be protected. then there is the treatment center that has been my life line and is closing and the staff there that has helped me so much and I am losing these people out of my life and I feel like I no longer will have these people in my life to help me get through when I feel hopeless and that life is not worth living. I wont have these people to support me through these feelings anymore. I feel like I am losing everything and everyone that I mean anything to and then the year aniversary for my losing my rights to my children is coming up soon june 20th and I have planned for months to end my life on this day since last year when this all happened my therapist and I had a conversation and she asked me to give it a year and if I still felt the same way then make the choice but not to do it then but I have kept suicide in my back pocket at all times throughout this year almost and have never let that escpe route go although I have tried several times over the past year I have not truly put my plan into action I have always been in a situation for someone to save me and in my plan I want to do it were no one will be able to save me in time so I truly havent given myself a chance to grieve iover my losses or to get anywhere in life except a constant escape and a way to avoid feeling over the past year now my therapist wants me to wait longer because she says that I havent put any effort into the past year and havent tried to feel any different because of always having away out in my mind and havent put full effort into learning to live or trying to feel better…so all this may be why the urges are becoming an obsession but yet my self harm the last time became dangerous and got to the point where it scared me a bit knowing that the extent of it was so dangerous scares em into trying to fight it off rather then give into it again and possibly damaging myself permanently or killing myself accidently…so I dunno just needed to get some sh*t out I guess and maybe get some feedback from others

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