may 2 2006

i started my new online journal tonight…been thinking alot about life…including my past life…the abuse…i dunno some of it i asked for and it is not right forme tobalme it all on him…i knew it was wrong…i allowed it tohappen…i didnt tell anyone…i still put myself into dangerous situations… i still let others walk all over me…i still cant sya no topeople…i still beleive there is no reason for me to be here…i still beleive that i am no good and never will be either…i od last week…i should have never told my 1and only friend…cause then i would be here…dealing with this emoitional pain that i am going through…dealing with this suffocation i go through day in and day out…fighting the urges of my impulses to cut myself again…if i give into the urges my suffication will go away…butthen it comes back an i need to and begin to cut more and more…so instead i sit here sufficating with my anxiety…feeling like i am dying because i cant breathe knowing i could take care of it bt knowing that i am the one makingthe suffication worse by not cutting…so what do i do…what????????….i sufficate in anguish and anxiety instead…never knowing wether when i passout from being dizzy and unable to breathe wether i will ever wake up…do i care o not really…why should i…why should it matter if i live or die…my life is not worthy or life…someone please take me away…let me got to sleep and never wake up

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