may 22 2008

well this morning had my first test of this 5 week crammed principles of psychology class i am taking and wont recieve my score until tuesday although i did get a 100 on my quiz yesterday but that was pretty simple it was match up type quiz and only 10 questions the test was 40 questions multiple choice and much more difficult than the quiz…the quiz didnt even represent the test at all i dont think i did too well but i guess i will have to wait and see…i have had alot of anxiety alot more than usual since starting schoool monday but i have been managing although the urges to self harm have been there i havent acted on them it has been 5 weeks and 2 days and i feel like i am downslidding back into the whole needing it and feelings of doing it and obsessiveness that comes along with the self harming i feel like my doing well for this period of time is coming to an end and i am worried because when i let things like this go and go without giving in i eventually do it but do it to a worse extent then if i just gave in but i am trying to not give into it this time i am finally doing something good for myself even if it is causing alot of anxiety and i need to continue doing it but june 20th is coming up so fast and i have my final on that day also and am afraid i will not be able to concentrate on the final because all my feelings and thoughts associated with the loss of my parental rights to my 4 youngest children last june 20th and originally i had planned to kill myself on that date but have been not really obsessing over that plan anymore and really have avoided thinkiing about it at all although after talking with some people today i realize i have a reservation still about it since i have managed to get a stock pile of some pills and am having a difficult time of letting that go and giving them up so i dont do it but also am not wanting to do it right now although i have them just incase so i am not sure what the future holds for me but right now i am just trying to get through day to day and stay self harm free even though i am falling back into the needing thinking


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