may 7 2008

today i had therapy whcih i was not looking forward to since last week after therapy i fucked up and emailed my therapist impulsively and rather than stating in the email that i felt like doing something to kill myself and was thinking about it i instead worded it that i was going to do it and kill myself…i was really fucked up and ended up writing it and then didnt do anything just went to sleep…i was awakened by my roommates mother saying the police were at the dorr asking for me…well anyways i had to go to the emergency room and speak with crisis which inturn put me in a psychiatric hospital almost 2 hours away in which i was on a 1:1 the whole time i was there…i got out monday and have been so angry with my therapist until today about half way through the session was when that anger stopped…but in all this i fucked up a really good outlet i had and felt was helping me alot…because of my email which in the past i have always been able to state i was feeling like doing something rather than say i was going to do something and now i am no longer able to email her which i beleive has helped alot over the past six months or more with me getting some shit out i have never been able to tell anyone even though i cant say it to her in person and it has helped me when i have had urges to just write and write to her until they are gone…well i dunno what to do now…i have sabotaged that i guess and maybe the things that i was telling her would have been things i would have never told her but its all over what am i to do now…i have such a hard time talking to her and even when i wrote to her her it was so hard facing her after with her knowing some of the secrets that no one knew about me and i had such a difficult time looking at her during session and it takes most of the session just to begin to let some shit out and i almost always leave there embarrassed and ashamed of myself…its like it was getting to be to much of letting things out and i had to sabotage it even though it was getting me somewhere i had never been…even though i didnt counsciously sabotage it it seems i almost always sabotage everthing that is helpful for me or lets people in…now what do i do i dont feel i can talk about this stuff and it also has helped me sort alot of stuff out with her and i when she asks questions and i just cant answer them at the time later when it begins to eat at me i have been able to answer them and i better express myself when i write rather than talk i feel i get stuck alot when talking and i retreat back into avoidance when talking what can i do now how can i fix this…because she works for a public agency that they work as a team and not just as my therapist my case manager who has already told me in the past when i emailed her about cutting myself i couldnt email her because she works on the crisis team and by me telling her that stuff it becomes a liabity issue for the agency if something happened and i had emailed her so now my case manager has said no more emails to my therapist either i feel like my case manager shouldnt have a say in it and that this is something that my therapist and i should discuss and work on together and i dont feel it should ahve anything to do with anyone else since she has been my casemanager for less then 6 months and i have been seeing my therapist almost 2 years…why do i fuck everything up…why cant i ever do anything right…why is it that it is so difficult for me to be able to talk to her like normal people do…why cant i move one with my life and start to live and enjoy life rather than always feeling so miserable afraid judged hurt sad depressed and angry…i feel so fucking lost right now

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