december 7 2008


why not finally succeed at something instead of always failing why not succed at my finality

I sit here pondering why I feel the need to cut when it has been 70 days since the last time I cut. Yeah 10 weeks. That’s a long time for me lately even if it does not seem that long it is a long time for me since in the past almost 3 years I have gone 96 days one time without self harm and mainly less than 30 so this is a while for me to go without it. Although I can not say that I have gone without hurting myself for that long or without avoiding and escaping my thoughts feelings pain and suffering. During these 70 days there was one day where I smashed my head into the door several times for being angry at myself. Then there are the several times that I have used drugs and can not seem to get away from them where I am living currently. I also have gone some days without eating trying to control that since everything else has been out of control. I do not understand why I continue to struggle day in and day out with thoughts of suicide and then want to cut just to minimize my suicidal thoughts and lesson them. The desire to cut recently has been extreme although not sure if the cutting thoughts or the suicide thoughts have been worse. I have been actively planning my suicide although have not acted upon the thoughts of trying to purchase a gun just to have around incase. I have been watching the clock for the exact times of the trains coming incase I build the courage to jump in front of it. Although not really sure I have that much courage. I am a coward and try to think about the least amount of pain and suffering I will use to complete my suicide. I have searched for the beams in my ceiling in case I believe I can complete my death by hanging myself although with how fat I am the rope will probably break or the beam will. So I am not too sure about that method. I did give one of my treatment providers my check because of me wanting to cash it and purchase a gun off the streets somewhere but I will get that back tomorrow and may just go buy one if I can find one just to have in case I can build my nerves up to pull the trigger on myself but not sure I have enough oomph to pull it. I want to cut as an escape from all these thoughts and although I am in therapy I am not sure she really does care whether I am dead or alive anymore. A month ago she told me she would not do therapy with me if I did not attend IOP and quit using drugs. And I hadn’t seen her since she said that for an individual therapy session but I have been going to IOP although have been unable to quit the drugs for any major length of time since I can not get rid of certain people in my life lately even when I flip out and try to run them away. Although the people that I want in my life and want to be here and around to help me through seem to not care and just want to get rid of me and not have anything to do with me any more. My family could care less about me and most of them have not lived around me for years. I have not spoken with my sperm donor father since 2005 and my mother appears to call me less and less. An then it seems it is only when she wants something from me. The same thing with my brother. Then my brother who my son lives with only calls when he can not deal with something that is going on with my son. Other than that he does not tell me much about my son although makes sure he tells me when he is doing something wrong but nothing when my son is doing nothing wrong. I do not seem to really matter to anyone that has been part of my life both growing up or as of now. I have grown up with so much of the system and none of them people who worked with me even care how I have done or what’s up with me or even if I am still alive. Supposedly cared so much but yet I do not seem to see that any of them ever really cared or the ones I work with now even though they say they care I do not feel they do. And then alls they do is manipulating me into their own ways by blackmailing me into more services and keeping my pills and so on and so forth. Why should I continue to try to get anywhere in life when life is worthless and there is really nothing here for me in life. Yeah so I am supposed to wait another 10 years try to create a life and live in society and wait for my kids to search for me and when they don’t what am I supposed to do then. Continue to live in misery yearning for them wanting them to hold and love. But yet they wont want too be loved by a loser mother like me they probably won’t want anything to do with me ever. So why should I sit here and wait for them and then end up killing myself because of there rejection. Why not just end it now and not have to deal with the rejection pain and suffering. Why sit back and wait for the inevitable when it is bound to happen then. Why not just do it and get it over with and allow everyone else to stop dealing with my pain and suffering. The sooner I get this over with the sooner they will be able to move on with their lives and be relieved by not having to wonder when I will do it because deep down they know eventually I will succeed in killing myself and even though I have failed so many times before they still await the day of that call waiting for some relief from the fear of the unknown not knowing when and how I will do it. So why keep putting it off and failing why not finally succeed at something in my life…..



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