january 11 2009

My recent run in with my Borderline and life

Lately with the holidays and circumstances beyond my therapist’s control, we have not been having therapy regularly, which usually occurs weekly although since the beginning of November I have only seen her including this past Friday 3 times. She went on vacation for 10 days at Christmas and was out with a sick toddler twice. Then this week she and my group leader for my IOP group decided to hold a meeting during my therapy session and I ended up very angry and frustrated with my therapist. Feeling as if I have not mattered and that she really does not care and she only says it because it is her job. I told her I do not feel like it is genuine care and that all the therapy relationship is a fake facade because she has to be involved with me it is not a choice. Although lately it appears to me, it is her choice to not deal with me and to avoid me instead of treating me. She really does not know me in reality because I do not allow anyone to know me fully or to know much about me. I do not trust anyone and have never will. Although I open up to different people in spurts I never fully trust or open up to them. I have been seeing her for a bit over two and a half years but lately it appears the lack of trust and my inability to communicate with her has worsened instead of improved like supposed to in a therapeutic relationship. although lately I have felt distanced from everyone that I was close to and have not talked to emailed or communicated with many people in my life as much as we were. Like everyone is fading away and I am feeling alone and as I do not matter to anyone. I feel I am no-good and no one cares. instead of being able to voice all this to my therapist I instead lashed out and made some angry comments on her answering machine and walked out of therapy telling her have a nice life I did not need her or anyone else or any of the treatment they were so called providing. then when I left neither of them even moved from that office to make sure I left the building or whether I was okay which just made me angrier and feeling more uncared for than before going to therapy that day. I am still feeling unable to voice this stuff to her even though I can sit here and type to people I do not know about this and talked to her later that afternoon on the phone and she told me she was frustrated with my actions and what I said on her voicemail. We left the conversation that afternoon on a positive note I think but I still feel unable to tell her how I truly feel and what I really have been thinking lately. I am feeling somewhat afraid and silenced. I feel like I did as a child unable to voice anything and afraid if I do then it will anger people and make them hate me more. I feel much distanced from the world lately.
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