june 12 2008

what i am feeling and doing lately
well still staying at the shelter looking for a place of my own but with out money i can not do anything yet…i did apply for section 8 and public housing yesterday who knows when i might get that though…my brother wants to come down and stay with me when i get a place with his new girlfriend although i am nervous because everytime we get together we end up getting ourselves into trouble by doing drugs together and although he has been clean for almost 6 months because he was on probabtion and had random drug testing he has always gone back to drugs after being on probation parole or being imprisoned and i am trying to stay away from all that type of shit although i only have 13 days without using drugs i have been staying away from people who are using or who i have used with in the past or who do not have alot of clean time although i really am not hanging out with many people anyone really at all…i did relapse with my cutting last monday so it has only been10 days since i last cut and although i havent given into the urges i have been having all week i feel that it is just a matter of time before i do since they have been coming regularly and the thoughts and obsessiveness have been coming pretty regular and have been interfering in my ability to study for school and concentrate during class and pretty much throughout the day…i did almost give in the other day but called a bunch of people but then when no one answered i started to break open a razor and take the razor blade out and i had just gotten out and was about to cut when a dear friend called me and we talked for over an hour and then i had stopped wanting to cut and went to sleep but have not been able to stop obsessing about cutting since i awoke the next morning so it is difficult these past 3 days and i went to my trauma group tuesday and after the group another group member and i went for along drive on the highway and talked about so much stuff that i have never really talked about and some of it my therapist or no one has ever heard so it has been difficult for me since but i have been exhisting still although that night i felt far away and as ifd i wasnt really here i felt very distanced and just wanted so much to die and although i felt like and wanted to cry i couldnt alls i could do is fade away like i was not here but i was blank…i am still in school and this class ends next friday which is when my final is i only have 4 days of class which on tuesday will be our last quiz and thursday will be our last test we have the final friday and although i am not failing the class i have gotten 100s on all the quizzes so far and my test scores have been 80,86,80,77 and i had a test today that i wont get back till monday which i feel like i did fail that one i do think that this class has been way too overwelming for me and i am not sure i will pass the final…i am supposed to start college composition on june 23rd but i am still debating on wether to drop that class and do it next semester i am worried and afraid that i am not going to be able to pass it since it is a 5 week class and will have all the same amount of work to do in 5 weeks as i would if i took it in the fall in a 16 week class but everyone i talk to feels i should stick with it and not drop out of it so i dont know what to do i am nervous scared afraid anxious fearful pessimistic and unsure


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