June 13 2008

today everything i try to do seems to not want to work out for me
well already my day is starting out horrible…i tried to go to my primary care doctor which this is the second time this week i have attempted to be a walk in and when i got there at 7:36 this morning they were already no longer accepting walkins which they dont open until 7:30 so i was told by the security guard to come back tommorrow which is saterday and get there at 7 am even though they dont open until 730 that is what i am going to do…my anxiety has sky rocketed these past few weeks and maybe its because of school or the fact that as of june 20th it will be a year since i lost my rights to my children and i cant handle the thought of living through that day…i am trying to get them to put me back on clonipine for a few months to get through this shit…i stopped taking my buspar 2 weeks ago because it wasnt doing anything to help my anxiety which is the reason i was on it and the psychiatrist just keeps raising it and it still is not working so in my opinion why keep taking something that is not helping although instead of having 1 or 2 anxiety attacks a week i am having 4 or 5 and getting severe headaches and cant breathe and breaking out with hives whenever i start to feel anxious…i am wanting to cut more and more which i did cut this morning and felt better but now i feel i need to do it again because i feel like the relief was just really short lived and i am back to feeling anxiety ridden…i have therapy this afternoon at 1pm and really am not wanting to go i am debating on just not showing up since she is going on vacation for the next 2 weeks anyways and my case manger is already on vacation until june 23rd….then i was supposed to be getting a new case manager when she got back and was told yesterday by the new one that it is being put on hold for now and i am thinking that now i am probably will never get to have the new case manager which is one i requested and a co leader of my trauma group and i have a pretty good relationship with her that i feel would help benefit my recovery more than the old case manager i have which jhas only been my case manager for 6 months and i dont feel i am getting to fatr with her although i have gotten farther with her then i had with the prvious on that i had for about 18 months…i just know that deborah the one i requested is a very dedicated individual who has 14 years in recovery from drugs and is very active in the 12 step program and has been there for me through court when i was in crisis stabilization last year when i lost my parental rights to my children and she will make me work at my recovery she is a very assertive individual and will strive to help me become what i need to become in life she wont just leave me by the wayside struggling on my own…i have been going to na meetings about everyother day but dont feel i fit in since my true addicxtion is to cutting and alls i ever hear in the meetings is about people having urges to use drugs or how they stopped using drugs and shit like that i feel lost and hopeless and dont really feel i fit in anywhere…i have been clean from drugs for the past 2 weeks and i have stayed away from old aquaintances who use which is the onlyu time i use is when i hang out with people who use i dont use alone and dont think about using unless i am with people who are using and they offer it to me…but i obsess over cutting myself daily and it is a daily struggle for me…lately i have been actively thinking about my suicide plan that i have been planning for a long time now…well actually since my therapist told me last year to give it a year and if i still feel the same way then we can talk about it then but not to make a rash descision about ending my life since i had just gone through the tramatic event of losing my babies…so i have to go for now will write back later

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