June 23, 2008 post 2

Current mood:contemplative

thoughts of my despair
sitiing here i just want to die…i am so sick of life and everyone in it….i just want to take my life and know that everyone will be alright…i know most people that are in my life would be better off without me but there are a few people that it might bother a bit for a while if i kill myself…but will those people even be bothered by me killing myself or will they be relieved to have me gone and not to have to deal with me…i am not a good friend and i cant handle life at all lately…it feels like life is falling and i am buried under all the worlds debris…more and more is piling on…why wont they stop holding on and just let me go…why cant people see i will be better off putting myself out of the misery i am in….my son would be better off knowing that i am finally in a place that he knows where i am at all times…he wont have to have that stress and worry about where i am what i am doing or when am i going to end up in the morgue needing to be identified…i will never become anything…i will never be able to get anywhere in life so why keep struggling to try to get somewhere…my mother wont even be bothered by the death of me she will rejoice knowing that one major trouble is gone from here life…i just want to kill myself…i want an escape from life…i am so sick of being alone with no one to love me and for me to have no one to care about…too many things i should have or could have done to get my babies back and i didnt…i just cared bout tring to end my pain…what about their pain…wjhat about what they were going through by not having me…why couldnt i get through shit to get them back…the only things i was still living breathing for and i let them all go…i did nothing to get them back in my life…i am no mother…i never deserved to have kids…i fucked them all up and now what i am stuck here without them wanting to kill myself because of everything i jhave done to them and allowed to be done to them….i gave up on them but yet they never gave up on me until the end…i gave up from the start…i feel so hopeless and just want to kill myself and get it over…i will never get over all this shit and they will never be able to love me like a mom…i was never and will neevr be their mom…corey will always have resentment and ager towards me and that will never change no matter how mucjh i do for him or how much i try to love him. i want an escape from this life….i really want to die


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s