november 10 2008

my life in a brief overview
I have been in the mental health system since I was 4 years old. At the age of 6 years old, I was taken into department of social services custody along with my three siblings. That was back in 1986. We were placed in a foster home and later I and my brother who was the second child were put into a residential facility. We were told that it was an emergency placement until they could find us another foster family. My other two younger siblings were separated into other foster homes. My father after we were removed from our home was in and out of our lives and the 4 years I spent in that residential facility came to visit me one time. It took my mother almost 6 years to get custody of us back. The two youngest came home first and then my brother. I was the last to come home because of my emotional difficulties and my inability to earn my way home from t eh residential. I was on several medications throughout this time and finally my mother just took me home from t here because she did not want me on the medication they were giving me and they told her there was nothing more they could do with me. That was when I was 12. Shortly after coming home, I began to have more issues and things were happening at home that should not have gone on. I ended up in an alternative school were I was in 7th grade with students ranging from seventh until 12th grade. It was more of just a place to stick us during the day and say it was school. I ended up pregnant with my 14-year-old march of 1994. He was born January 1995 and in February, I ended up in the hospital for my first of many to come suicide attempts. He was 6 weeks old and my mother kept him. From that hospital after a month there, I was placed in another hospital, this whole time I was on medication even through my pregnancy and when in the hospitals I was just drugged so they did not have to deal with me. I began cutting myself right after I was placed in a residential facility that June from the second hospital. From the residential, I was sent to and from the hospital for my suicidal and self-harm. Nine months later I was placed into a more intense residential where I stayed until I was 19 and transferred to an adult residential only after being denied for admission to the state hospital. Within 2 weeks of being in the new, residential I left. That was august of 1998.from then until May 2000 when I got pregnant, I was in and out of the hospitals for suicide attempts and my elf injurious behaviors. It was august 1998 I was introduced to Dbt. although still was not ready to change. When I found out I was pregnant I made a decision to live and stop hurting myself. My son was born that December I got pregnant with my daughter 5 weeks later and got married Feb. 2001 my daughter was born November 2001. During this time, I had not cut myself or tried to commit suicide at all. Although my marriage was never stable and there was abuse involved with that in 2003 my husband moved in with another woman, filed false charges for kidnapping my own kids on me, and filed for custody stating I was going to kill the kids. During this time, I was 10 weeks pregnant and had a miscarriage. He got emergency custody for 5 days and then the kids were put in foster care. I continued to go through Dbt therapy and all I was supposed to do. I ended up relapsing with my self-harm a little over a month after they were gone and placed myself into the local psych unit deciding that I did not want to get back into that self-destructiveness. During this whole time, my first child still was with my mother and I was able to take him whenever I wanted to. My husband and I got back together almost 6 months later, I fought for my children for 25 months and beat the state who continuous tried to bring up my mental health and bpd as a reason not to give them back, and I had two more children before they came home. They came home when my youngest was 9 days old and the other one was a year old the day they were returned to us. shortly after that social services stopped providing us with the services that the judge had order and my oldest of the 4 babies therapist told us they were setting us up for failure and she was a foster mom for the agency and felt they were doing wrong in order to retake our kids. it wasn’t long before issues occurred such as my inability to keep up with the house since they did not help with daycare as they were supposed to and my husband was did nothing to help except watch the kids when I went to the doctors with whichever child had an issue and since the 2 babies were receiving early intervention and the baby was delayed and my son had emotional issues because of the separation and coming home I was at appointments daily and sometimes several a day. Well we left state after realizing we would never be able to live a productive life there and they were going to take the kids again if we did not. within a month of moving social services was contacted in the new state by the other state and informed of both my husband and mines mental health history and my children were removed for precautionary reasons. All four only for me to fall back into this suicidal and self-injurious mind frame after only having that one slip for almost 6 years. well needless to say I did all they told me to do except I was unable to get my emotional self back together after all I had was taken for me the only reason I had to live and the ones who had given me a reason to live after that may 2000 finding I was pregnant. I fought for 18 long months but lost my rights on the grounds of my mental illness in June 2007. I had no fight left in me and it has been a struggle ever since. I was in Dbt through that whole time and therapy and several different meds although only because of a psych evaluation saying I needed them because I had bpd and stating that I would not improve and pretty much I should not have my kids because my chance of being abusive to them was high because of the nature of my disorder although I had never abused them and had never had a report against me for abuse but did have neglect because of the domestic violence and unclenliness of our home which was more laundry and dishes than anything else. Social services at my termination hear stated they did not have concerns about my care of the kids or my interactions with them but that since the children had been in care I had been unable to function without my self-harm and had several suicide attempts. Well even though I have still been struggling and been in the hospital a few times although only once since I started school back in may. I still have used my self-harm as an escape from the pain. I have improved greatly even though a bit over a year ago the prognosis was that I would not improve and that life would always be chaotic and unstable. well now I have gotten a divorce been renting to own my own 3 bedroom mobile home have my oldest child every weekend which he is turning 14 shortly and although I still struggle with my grief and my past I have completed this past august a 6 month trauma empowerment group have not been in Dbt since April been in the hospital once for a suicide attempt I attended college this summer attending 2 classes and passing with A’s in both and currently am getting ready to complete 5 classes this semester with all A’s with the exception of one class which I may receive a B but I have never done well in school but currently am doing very well although I do not have very many friends 2 at the most and my relationships with my treatment providers are still a struggle I actually have a very productive and positive interpersonal relationship with a close friend I met in my trauma group and was the one who pushed me to go to school even though I felt I couldn’t do it and there was no reason to. now I can say I have a bit of hope although because of my disorder I have lost everything and will not see my children until they seek me out after they are 18.i jumped into an unhealthy marriage, lost my rights to my children and am scarred several places all over my body but I am currently still struggling although functioning at a level that the psychologist that evaluated me for court state would never be possible for me and that I probably needed a very structured facility in order for me to stabilize and that I may need that for the remainder of my life if I were to survive. Although I am currently struggling with my therapy and my therapist has forced me to go to an intensive outpatient group for the next 10 weeks or she will not treat me I am still surviving and doing more than what was expected of me to do ever and my life even though I still feel hopeless has become more hopeful and now I will await many years until my babies can be in my life and I can only hope that they have something to do with me and I do not wait all theses years with false hopes of being someone when they come find me only for them to hate me and want nothing to do with me. I have written to the governor and several state official in regards to my parental rights when I was losing them and my mental illness and do not believe it was right to take them because of a mental health disorder that is treatable even though the court was told I would not improve. with all this said I just wanted to share with you that I have struggled with this disorder from a young age even if it was not diagnosed back then or can not be diagnosed until older I believe that the signs were there with me as young as age 8 maybe even younger and if there were more resources and understanding of borderline personality disorder than I may have improved younger and may not have gone through the life I have gone through as an adult. I believe there needs to be more education to officials, courts, mental health professionals, and the public in regards to BPD and more of these people need to take the time to understand and educate themselves and the public about the prognosis and treatment for bpd. I believe there needs to be more funds available for research and more support groups need to be available specifically for borderline. Currently I have not been on any meds for almost a year. well I hope to hear from you and I apologize for such a long email even if it was just a brief and not as detailed as my life has been I felt I needed to describe to you the milestones and what I feel was a failing of the system of me and now my children also. Thanks for reading and write back if you feel like it.

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