November 15 2008

bored and short fused lately need advice please
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………The past few days maybe week things have seemed to be going all right. Although I feel unmotivated sad and somewhat in a depression things have been uneventful. Not sure, what is going on but I know that I am feeling unenergetic. I have been bored all week but not wanting to do anything either. I have not even wanted to do my dishes and a friend of mine ended up doing them after they sat there all week from Sunday. He finally did them on Friday. Then I did do the few dishes that were in there this morning when I got up a bit after 12 today. Sleeping that late is very unusual for me. I hardly ever sleep more than 8 hours and usually only sleep around six. However, I went to bed around 1 last night and slept until almost one this afternoon. When depressed I usually have difficulties sleeping but this past week I have gone to bed by 10 or 11 and been up on schedule by 7 but then have been drained and tired in the afternoon and have laid down to take a nap for the past 3 afternoons but was unable to sleep because of the phone and people at my door. My puppy has been driving me crazy, I have been short fused with him, and I am not usually short fused with him or any other animals. I did start an intensive outpatient 10 week group last week but quit the first day and restarted it this past Monday and made it to all of them this week Monday Wednesday and Thursday. Was supposed to have therapy Friday but my therapist called and cancelled it right after I woke up. Moreover, she even frustrated me when she called. She had to take her sick child to the doctor, said to me she was sorry, and that hated to do this to me. However, all day I felt angry with her for saying that because she should not be sorry and she was not doing anything to me because she was taking care of her child like she should. That is nothing to be sorry about. I have not seen her for therapy in almost 3 weeks so it may have been that was why she was apologizing but I was angry that she said she was sorry because I felt she should not be sorry to anyone for her needing to care for her baby. I don’t know I just feel I have been short fused this week and have not wanted to do anything but have done it and have not wanted people around but have allowed them around because it helps them to hang out here. Nevertheless, I also feel that it does not help them either maybe while they are at my house they are not drinking or drugging but they are drinking in drugging when they leave here and before they get here but I have been unable tot get the respect I asked for around not wanting drinking and drugs around me. Yeah he is not bringing them here and not doing them here but he is high and drunk while being here which bothers me. He is a nice guy but I do not feel I am ready for a relationship and not sure, I will ever be ready to get back into a full-fledged relationship with a man now that I have gotten out of the last one. I also feel because he wants sex from me I woe it to him every once in a while because he brings me dinner or because he buys cigarettes for me and I don’t really want to have sex with him but yet I continue to give in every few days because he wants it and even when I tell him no I don’t he will continue to make comments and talk about it and tell me how much he wants it until I give into him but then I feel horrible after and have gotten to the point where I want to self injure because I am angry with myself about it. I feel every male friend I have or get that is all they want and will do whatever to get it from me. They say what I want to hear and buy me things and then I feel I owe it to them even though I do not want to. I try to help others and be nice and cook for people and give them a place to come to hang out where they do not have to get drunk or high but I keep falling into traps and end up getting high with them or having to have sex with them and feeling miserable about myself. I try to push them away but it seems this one respect that I need space so he says but calls everyday and then shows up here every other day and someday a few times a day. So I am not so sure how much he understands that I don’t want a sexual relationship and am not ready for one and that I need space and don’t want people around everyday. Yes, he helps me out and I help him out but alls I want is a friend not a bed mate not a man who thinks of me as a sex figure or if he continues to buy things for me, I will have sex with him and so on and so forth. I want friends. I do not have very many and need people around but not around 24/7 or even everyday. I need people around at different times and not for hours on end either. I do not know what I am getting at with all this but felt I needed to get it out and maybe I could get some feedback around it and someone might have some suggestions. Even when people are, around I am bored and lonely but when no one is around, I feel the same way so having people here is just more annoying than being here alone and feeling bored and lonely.

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