august 29 2008

better day but nervous and afraid of history class i am taking
Current mood: tired
Well today the weather was a bit better it stopped raining and I was able to do somethings outside so i sorta have come out of my depressive state i guess. i did try to have campfire this evening but it wouldnt stay lit because the ground and all the wood was too wet. i tried the firestarting fluid ad it didnt work i even tried gasoline which helped with a fire but it quickly disappear once the gas was burned up so it sucked. i was hoping to sit by the fire do some reading maybe write for a bit but couldnt so i have sat online and stayed inside but i did finishing reading the book learning to trust again by christa sands it was alright not a whole lot of answers to facing the past except for trusting in god which is very difficult for me since i am not sure if there really is a god i mean there are lots of unexplainable stuff in life and the world and all but it just seems too outragous to me to believe that someone i cant see touch never have seen never will see is somewhere everywhere and that he has all kinds of power and control and sees everything and allows everything to happen and all kinds of other stuff that i just dont understand and cant comprehend but anyways that is just my take on it and everyone has a right to an opinion and i respect others who can trust in untangible things but i have tried and just cant at this time in my life maybe in the future i may be able to but for now i just dont wont cant whatever people want to say or how they perceive my belief or disbelief but anyways i got some garlic planted today and some flowr bulbs which needed to be planted here at my friends house i am still house sitting until sunday possibly monday. i didnt get any school work done today i am really procrastinating this history assignments i have to have done by september 6th and i have started either of them and come monda i will ave assignments for my other 3 classes to work on and havent even done the history ones i guess i really need to work on them tommorrow first thing before i do anything else yes i manage to find all kinds of things to do when there is something that needs to be done and i am anxious afraid feel like i cant do or just dont want to do then i managed to find all kinds of things to do in place of what i need to be doing i guess i need to really get my reading evaluation done first thing in the morning atleast and maybe start on the paper that needs to be turned in they are both due in about a week and i havent started either one but yet all my other classes i have done all the assignments for the week and even have started reading next weeks chapters to try to keep ahead before i fall behind becaus ei am really good at falling behind and then just giving up and saying fuck it and i am trying to avoid that with all these classes but i am afraid that is what will end up happening with this history class i have never done well with history growing up and i am afraid since i really never had any history classes after 7th grade and i dont comprehend things very well so this is difficultand scary for me but i will just have to dig in and get it done it is only the first week and i cant just give up this quck i may be a quitter but i usually dont give up this easily or quickly so i guess i will just start it tommorrow even if i dont finish it tommorrow atleast it will be started and not pushed aside

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