august 4 2008

a bunch of thoughts
Current mood: blah
There are times in our lives when we have no control over what happens and no matter what we do to try and stop it we can’t. Then there are times when we feel or think we are responsible for things that was not in our control. There are so many things I try to have control over in my life and can’t. So many things are beyond my reach. There are also the things that we can’t control and want to be able to. the things we believe are our fault because we said “no”. we wanted more for ourselves or others involved. we dont want others to be messed up because of our choices. I am struggling with my choices in life I have made and the ones that are made for me. I am feeling when I make a decision or choice everything seems to go wrong or people aree hurt. It seems I just cant make the right descisions in my life and not have someone effected by it. I wanted what was best and knew them coming to live with me would not be good for either of us but then why do I feel it is partly my fault that he is now in jail and I believe he was using drugs again after all these months clean. If i had let him come down here would he be sitting behind bars unable to be bailed out. Would they have been okay and not been fighting. Would he had had to move in with a drug dealer and relapsed. “NO” of course not. But would that have been good for me “NO”. I would have more anixiety. I would not be able to relieve my pain with him around. I would have been worried he was going to steal and sell my stuff just like all the times before. I was afraid we would both relapse and neither of us are strong enough to say “no” to eachother when it comes to using drugs. I feel somewhat that i am so selfish. I should have just let him stay with me and he wouldnt be where he is now. But could I control his actions? Of course not. but he would not be suffering right now if i wasnt trying to think about myself and know that I was unstable and couldnt cope now and knew i wouldnt be able to cope with him here. I would not have been able to write afraid that he might read my shiut like last year when him and my mom kicked in my door and read all my journals and then told me and questioned me about alot of shit. I have had a hard time trusting that no one was going to read my stuff without my permission ever since. Sometimes things happen that we believe is our fault and even if we made a descision that contributed to the actions of someone else then we had no control over what choices they made because of the choices we made. The constant thoughts to ourselves will not help the negative self talk will only make us worse. The more I dont believe I am good enough the more I am not good enough. I the more I feel I cant get through something it ends up I cant. so whats that tell me? It tells me I have to change the negatrive messages I am telling myself repeatedly. The question is how? It seems so hard and the more I try the more I feel no one else believes my messages that I tell myself and give up. I need to figure out how not to care what others think about me and not allow what they think to effect me the way I let it affect me. I need to not care so much what people think or feel about me including my family. Not sure of the capabilities of myself to let all these negative messages go. Not sure I am capable of letting go of my resentment to all this. Not sure I am capable of learning to cope more effectively and become more positive in my messages to myself.

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