august 5 2008

A dream of my child
Current mood: scared
I saw him in her van struggling as she was driving she was holding him and he saw me and began to scream and struggle. I had the driver of the vehicle turn around at the next stop light and go back as we approach he was alone. In the mcdonalds parking lot i picked him up and gave him a big hug and cried. I put him in the car and buckled him in. we drove for a bit he seemed so happy to be with me. he continued to keep getting out of the seat belt and coming up and hugging me and kisses me. then all a sudden i realized he wasnt going to be happy with me I couldnt provide for him and in a snap as quick as i decided to take him i decided he was going back. as we were driving back he cried and screamed telling me “no” and i still took him to her. as we approach the area were i was to bring him back the traffic was stopped. i took him and walked with him through the traffic there were news stations everywhere. for some reason my husband was there he grabbed my son and hugged and kissed him. some police officer then came up to us and took dakoata and i was told by another police officer that i need to come with him. as we were walking i told him i needed to speak with terri his mom the police officer walked me into mcdonalds and there she was. i asked to speak to her by ourselves and she obliged we talked over near the mens bathroom. she told me how scared and afraid she was i apologized and explained how hurt i was he was gone and when i saw him it was automatic like i was be forced to do it all. we cried together and then she said she could have me arrested and i would go to jail for 25 years. but she wasnt. she wanted me to get my life together for him she said. she dont want me to be in jail when he is old enough to see me. sh did then hug me and weeped as she turned and walked away. she only looked back at me once and as she was looking back her voiced echoed in my mind saying 25 years 25 years 25 years. I then awakened in a sweat. i needed to write and cry. i sit here crying as i write hoping i could never be placed in that situation in real life. i know it was just a dream but if i can have a dream like that then my mind is capable of doing it i guess or entertaining it and that scares me. i am afraid of myself sometimes and this is exactly why. i am afraid of my m ind and how far i will go. i dont usually dream or so they say i do but i dont remember them and the only time i do is when i awaken like this sweating scared emotional.

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