october 12 2008

The nightmare I awoke from in tears
Current mood: sad
When will this all be over. When will I be able to live without having bad dreams. The only time I dream is when it is a nightmare or bad one and I awake in in a panic, crying, scared, and sad.
It was just like it was yesterday but yet there were people in it that I know now but did not know back when I had my children at home so it was strange and sad.
Somehow my kids were living with me. The 4 babies but not corey and it was like this year because they were grown up a bit. Autumn and Daniel went to the school down the street from my trailer and the babies stayed home. Then social services knocked on the door for a visit to check in. Everything seemed to be going good. The kids were doing well I had got a divorce and he was not allowed to see them. The kids were doing good, the house was clean and I had no idea they were planning on taking the babies again for the 3rd time. 1 time in mass and the other time here in virginia. Somehow after social services left someone else that I knew that worked for them called and told me they were in the process of obtaining a custody order for my kids and to leave. Well I ended up calling a buddy of mine who has a van and he and his mom came and got us. we drove around for a while. It feels so real sitting here crying. Then they asked me what I was going to do. Finally my mom called me back and my grandmother found and bought a mobile hom somewhere in florida and said it was for me. She said she loved me and was not going to let me lose them again.I hung up the phone and cried. Daniel came over and hugged me told me Its okay mom I am here and I love you. I continued crying. I did not want to lose them again I knew if I did it would be forever. I had no chance of getting them back if I lost them this time. But I was so sick of moving and running wasnt sure what I had done wrong. I did not wanna take off. I ended up having them drop the kids and I back off. When we arrived at the trailer the police were there with social services and a custody order. As they drove away I cried knowing this was it they were gone forever.
I then awoke in tears. I had been crying just like in my nightmare. My mind is playing with me. My heart is broken. All I ever wanted was a chance and I never got it to show I could take care of them by myself. They said I did good with the kids and they had no problems with the way I cared for or interacting with them but that my mental illness was the reason they terminated my rights. But before they took them I had not been in a psychiatric hospital or treatment for 5 years and had been doing well until they took them from me. I was not doing weell in my marriage to the kids father and him and I fought alot. But my rights were terminated on the g rounds of my mental illness and being unable to stabilize my wrekage they caused once they ripped my kids away. So why then wasnt I given a chance. If I had been given that chance would they have ended up right back where they were like in my dream? I am still not sure why in the dream they were taken but I am still a bit teary eyed. Gonna go smoke a cigarette and then try to do some of my walkthrough imagery healing from trauma meditation stuff and relax and get back to sleep I hope. I feel sad right now.

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