august 27 2008

its been a while since I have written but I am feeling stressed. I was doing great and maybe this weather has something to do with my mood but i am depressed, sad, angry, ashamed, and anxious. I have been house sitting for a friend and she lives in the country area about 5-6 miles from town so I am alone and without transportation. Well I guess if I really wanted I could walk somewhere but it would be tiresome and draining and I really am not in the mood to nor do I have the motivation at all to really do any sort of physical activity right now. I am lonely and bored. I was okay the first few days when I had lots to do and could be outside keeping myself and my mind busy. I was enjoying it so much but now I cant avoid my thoughts or feelings by keeping busy since it has been raining and pouring for over 24 hours. Well last night while sitting on the porch smoking a cigarrette and watching the rain fall I realized I had not even thought about or recognized the fact that the aniversary of a year since my last visit with my kids had past earlier in the month. I was angry with myself because I had not even recognized or thought about it never the less feel apart over it. It is like I had forgotten about it. I feel guilty and ashamed that such a heartwrenching time in my life was a year ago and I hadnt remembered at the time. Like I had forgotten about and moved oin from it. It angers me to even think I forgot about it never mind realize I actually had got through it and not falling apart and have been doing more positive things in my life lately that have kept me busy and not aqbale to think about more depressing hurtful painful things that happened. I have avoid these things that at one time on my life had consumed me and I allowed to control me. I am now sorta kinda controlling my life more than allowing my life to control me which is scary in a major way. I have never been able to do this and it is scary but on the other side of it it is positive and good I guess. I am not being consumed by so much negativity and hurt. Not to say that it is not there and that maybe I am just not dealing with myself and my hurt and pain and guilt and fear but I also am not being controlled by it which is a great step for me I guess.

I started my 5 online classes on monday and am a bit scared anxious and nervous about the history class. I never had done well when in school growing up with history and feel I might be biting off more than I can chew with all these classes at once but I also know I will do very well in the other 4 classes. So i guess if I dont do all that well in the history it will be okay I will have to accept it and move on with it not let it get me down although that is what I am afraid of happening. Right now I know I have good grades and have a positive attitude even if I am scared and nervous about it I know I did well in the last 2 classes so now I am competant and confident about my abilities to do well but I am afraid if i do poorly in this opne class that I will become negative and get too down on myself and I may give up since that is the pattern that has happened so many times in my life. But I know this so awareness is an important part of changing patterns I just hope I can. I hope I can recognize the positives rather than only looking at the negatives when the time comes. I will only know come the end of the semester when and if this occurs and see how I feel about it then.

any feedback or suggestions will be accepted and I hope to hear from some others around these issues. Take care all

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