january 14 2008

 

i am taking it one day at a time just feel like everytime i start to get somewhere or think i am getting some where in life it all falls apart on me and i have no control over any of it…i am still stuck at my brothers house,not taking my meds(sorta saving them just in case),quit my accupunture group last week,got denied by ywca because of my mental health history for a fucking room rental,went on a spending spree on ebay and had no money bounced my account almost 600 so far who knows how much more fees are going to go through,bought my brother a bus ticket to come here with my last 140 dollars this month so he could escape going to jail since his po is violating him then he never got on the bus,i do have 15 packs of cigarrettes for the rest of the month, my mom and son got into last monday and she smacked him and he pushed her and the physically fought, i went through that shit with her and dont want him going through it the only difference with him and i is he fought back and i was a coward and cowered everytime she came after me, been fighting alot with my brothers wife because she neglects the 2 babies and jumps for her 5 yr old, she dont want me here, want to run from this all, and to top it all off jan 18th is just creepin upon me and that was the day 2 yrs ago that social services came to my house and took my kids and just been thinking bout it so much, plus the 2 youngest bdays are in feb…i dunno maybe i am getting to far ahead of myself and just trying to find an excuse to escape all the emotional shit inside…but i havent been in hospital since november 13th was my last admission and got out the 15th,havent self harmed since but really been needing to and have been fighting it…just alot i guess and too much to keep thinking bout just want it to go away just wanting me to go away although i dunno i just need an escape to not feel these emotions and have the thoughts of that day they came and i promised dan and autumn i would get them back as i dressed them and put them in the social workers vehicle,i feel i lied to them and let them down in the worst way, now i have fucked them up for along time and never wanted that but obviously i am too fucked up and i couldnt get them back because i emotionally couldnt handle the shit and them being gone….sorry for bothering you just crying isnt helping and trying to avoid it by playing on this puter all day from the time i get up a around 7am till i go to bed at 2 or 3 am lately isnt helping me get rid of this shit or the urges to self injure at all… what do i do…dont think i can handle this shit much longer with out giving in or giving up

 

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