So here, it is the New Year 2010. It has already started out worse than last year began. I guess this could be a sign for the misery I will face this coming year. I am already actively depressed and wanting to just curl up and escape this thing, everyone calls LIFE.
Well what exactly is life supposed to be? I try hard to fill my time by going to school. Do I really believe that going to school will ever get me any closer to having a LIFE? NO! of course I do not believe it will help but at the moment it is all that is really keeping me stabilized and in check to the point where I do not hurt myself enough to end up in the hospital and unable for me to function in order to get my school work done. Yes, I have cut myself while taking classes and allowed it to keep me even enough for me to function enough to continue to go to school and get my class work done also. The cutting has helped me to get through.
Now my son is living here and I have not been using my cutting as a way to function and get by. Nevertheless, the cutting is going to be needed soon as I am falling and do not feel myself getting out of this. Yes there are times when I get out of it temporarily when I am around people and unable to think too much. However, when I am alone I realize all that is happening in my life as my life begins crumbling and is getting close to crashing I end up thinking about the only escape I know. My escape is my cutting but even those thoughts are getting too much and I am starting to just want to give up and say fuck everything. Fuck my so-called life and all that it entails. I want just to get out of this. I just want to get away and never have to deal or think about the pain and suffering I have put my kids and people in my life. I just wish that people would understand how much better life would be in they had never met me or if I had already succeeded in my demise.
This new year has already bothered me enough that I am seriously just wanting for my son to go with my mother so I then could have a final straw to give into my thoughts and desires to kill myself and take away all that others so call like in me. I do not see or understand what others like in me, as there is really nothing about me that is good. They say I am pretty but I am not they just say that to try to make me feel better when in actuality I am a low life nasty looking bitch. They say I have a good personality but do I really. What kind of person like me has a good personality if they are fine one minute and then just wanting to be alone and not be bothered so I can self-destruct? How can I make people understand I am no good and they do not really want me around? I am useless and everything I do ends up being fucked up or I fail at things. How do I make people understand that I am a problem and my depression and self-destruction is too much for others? How do I make them realize that they do not need me around, as I will only cause them stress as they worry what I may do to myself?
To be honest someday I will end up killing myself through suicide whether it be accidentally because I am hurting and just want the pain and misery to go away or I will plan and succeed it. I someday will succeed at the one thing in my life that will complete me and take away all the shit others endure from me being around. I hope my death will come sooner than later but time will only tell. I can only hope that my time is ending and all this dissipates as I dying at my own hands. I want to die. I am sick of crying and sick of trying. I just want my life to end