january 20 2008

Here I am trying to ponder the many options I have to choose from. So many things left unresolved deep inside. I so wish could change it all and somehow no longer go through times where I feel I can not handle the pain that’s been built up inside. As time passes by things become more and more buried inside but I don’t believe some things will ever stop hurting or the memories will ever fade from my mind. There are some days I start to think that I have a chance to have a life. A life where these memories and pains no longer cause me to break down. A life where others respect me and value what I have to say and do. Where people look up to me and come to me because they need me and believe that I can do something. That I am not always going to be mentally looked at as invaluable and unable to live within normal limits whatever that may be for society these days or when that day comes. That I am not looked at as incapable or never able to fully become anything of value to anyone or anything in life. As much as I have changed over many years of my life alls I have done is become whatever the system has wanted me to become with their little labels from there DSM-IV rather than what I was supposed to be or what I wanted to be. Alls I have done some how is conformed to their societal views or what they perceived me to be because of some of my differences although not so much so because I am not that much different than a lot of others in society who have experienced trauma, loss, deception, and instability which accounts for so much more people in society than is documented. It is only that I voice my differences and express them due to my ability to not be ashamed of that part of who I have become which is a survivor and a fighter and I don’t hide it and have some ego that allows others to believe that life is perfect and nothing ever happens or has ever happened and never will.

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