january 20 2008

i dont know where my life is going since lately i cant seem to handle my emotions as usual…but i know i dont want to constantly keep thinking the way i am thinking…the past few days alls i think about is how much i just want to die and escape my thoughts and feelings i have inside…i guess maybe i need to build up some courage and stop being so afraid of shit…my kids are where they deserve to be…i could not give them what they needed since i am such a failure at everything i try to do…alls i ever tried so hard to do is the opposite of what was done in my life…i tried to get daniel help at an early age…i tried to keep the family together as much as i was miserable in the marriage i didnt want my kids to go through what i went through with my dad not being there and being in and out of my life…i tried so much and failed…i turned a blind eye to so many things i shouldnt have…i saw things that made me constantly think things were not right i talked about these things with my friends and my mom on several occasions and i made angry comments about what i felt was going on and got into arguments with my husband about this shit…but i was just a coward and continued to stay and believe that i was just overreating like he constantly said to me when i flipped about these situations that made me feel something was going on and wasnt right…as i found out what was happening with my daughter i tried so much to protect him rather then stand up for my daughter i continued to listen to his lies and fight for his rights…why couldnt i just stop and listen to reality and hide…knowing what occured sevral times between us in the marriage the signs were there and i failed to believe any of it and try to protect him and not my baby girl…i desrve so much to be tortured since i allowed her to tortured and her innocence to be ripped away as he violated her and i protected him…i really dont care what he did to me what bothers me so much is that it all occured right underneath my nose and in front of my face and i didnt do anything about it…i am such a failure….i just want to take all this shit ouut of my head and forget about them but they continue to penetrate my mind and pop up for no apparent reason and i cant handle this shit…i want to die…i cut myself to lesson the pain i feel and avoid my thoughts get away from this all and it works for just a bit then the thoughts come back more and more…i try to push this all away but cant and as my thinking continues i begin to think about suicde…why…i dont know…why do i feel that is my answer to my pain…i just want out…i continue to think about suicide for hours these past few days and have been fighting to try to stay alive and block this all out of my mind but yet it keeps coming back is it a sign is it allowing me to want to go ahead and follow through or is it driving me to try even though i have failed so many times before which was a sign it wasnt my time but when will it be do i have to keep trying and failing until i succeed and finally die or will this ever go away and i somehow will survive all this pain i have inside….i just want to hide from all of this shit i have built up and my thoughts of suicde…want to just get away from everyone and everything in life and escape it all…

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