june 12 2009

So it is that simple I guess. Not quite sure it really is as simple as you just made it. I feel so hopeless right now. There is nothing left to fight for. Nothing to keep going. The drive home felt like forever trying to hold the tears in. I guess reality is hitting. I see the fight is gone there is nothing really worth holding onto. No one is really reliable. I see how simple is for people to just walk away and let go of. Why is it that people can let go of me so easily but yet I have such a hard time letting go of people places or things. Have you decided I am not worth it no more. I know things are just difficult and I am not really doing anything but I told you that 2 years ago. You are just now confirming that. Are you giving up? I gave up a long time ago. I knew there was never a chance. There never has been a chance. Why now? What did I do this time rather than all the other times when I wanted you to give up and see things were never going to get any better. I guess this is it. I guess its up to me now. Not sure I am strong enough to make it through but do u you really think that I ever believed that anyone really ever cared and was going to fight for me? NO, I never could really trust or believe any of you. I never said you had to do case management that was something you took on. Yes you could have let go a few months back when I was not seeing Pam but that was a decision you made or the agency made or whatever. I am not sure. Why now throw it back in my face. Okay so maybe I do not know all that is happening but neither do you. Yes it may seem I have control over so much but when things are happening it just feels I have no control. I know you say these things are up to me to control but I just CAN NOT control any of it. Yeah decisions are a struggle for me but yet it seems when I do make a decision it is never the right one. Even when it is a decision that is good for me it seems all it is chalked up to be in my mind is not what it really is. I sometimes really believe things will get better but it appears that is not ever going to happen. I can not do this on my own but yet it seems I am alone in this world. Sometimes when I am around others even doing some of the things I do I feel normal. I feel okay but inside I know this stuff is wrong but can not stop it. Just like when I was a teenager I knew the stuff should not be going on it was wrong but yet I felt trapped like there was nothing I could do about it. I did nothing about it. I just kept allowing it to happen and when it happened it felt like I mattered and someone really cared about me. Things in my life currently feel the same way. I hang out with people. Do things with them. Drugs, sexual stuff, codependency stuff and in the midst of it it seems okay. It seems there is really normalcy in my life but when I am alone by myself and I think about it and feel trapped in it. I know it is not the right things, I know its not having a life, I know it is not what “NORMAL” people do but yet its my destiny I guess. I feel so unable to really control it even though you say it is within my control. Sleeping forever seems so contentful but yet so scary so I am living some fantasy trying to live in a fucked up world, a fucked up life, trying to convince myself that NORMALCY is possible. I suppose what I am doing now is the most peace I will have within my life. This actually may be the most normal things have ever been for me. I am not sure maybe the life I am leading currently is normal! Yeah I am sleeping a lot. Yeah I am socializing. Even if that socialization costs me. What does it cost? Material things? Who cares? Money is not everything! Do I need it probably not. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs suggests basic needs food, water, and shelter as a foundation for all humans. I am not sure any of that is what is need for me to achieve the contentment I am seeking. I have food water, and shelter. I have more than that but still have no foundation My son is sleeping and was when I walked in the door. I feel so alone but yet he is here my dog is here and I have people in the neighborhood I could go see but yet I sit here writing this wondering why I even bother. I always believe there is something I am missing and try to seek it but yet can not figure out what it is. If I never know I am always seeking something that has no true way of helping me since it is not ever really missing. I never had a whole lot to begin with so really what is it that I am seeking or missing? I know a lot of this probably does not seem valid to you or anyone else but there is a void that no matter what I do never really fulfills anything. That void was there before my kids were born it was there as a child and now it is still here. Yeah my kids may have blocked it but I felt a void somewhat then. Not to the extent I feel it now but it was there. I never really do as well as I expect and anything I ever expect to work does not work. Anything I allow others to lead me towards that is supposed to work or help ends up not what I expected. If I always fail then why keep trying. If I do not try then I won’t fail. That also means that I will never succeed either. So it is a no win situation but also seems that trying has not helped either. I still fail and can not seem to succeed.


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