november 11 2007

today my thoughts are up and down i have had some very blank moments where nothing seemed to pass my mind…almost as if i wasnt even here i was somewhere else…then there where the very intense moments where alls i have done is sit here and ruminate over many different things…yesturday i was coming out of walmart and was supposed to be in a hurry but the moment i saw my sons foster mom soon to be adopted mom i froze for a second…she then approached me and we talked for atleast 10 minutes…we actually didnt even talk about my 3 yr old who she is adopting we talked about my other son who she had in her home at one point until he went into residential care…i actually found out some information that i am not sure if i really wanted to know but atleast now i know that my feelings about my 6 yr old being lonely and abandoned and having no one now that i have been torn out of his life is valid since social services lied to the judge just a month ago saying that they had a family that he was going to be going to and all this bullshit lies…alls i can think of is how sad he must be…i miss him so much…if anything he is probably the one i am having the hardest time with this whole thing about since i feel like i have ruined him and failed him the most…he was the one most exposed to all that he had to endure and he has not had any stability since they ripped him from my home back in january 2006… now he still has no one and it is all because of me and my failing them…i also drove by his residential a few times this weekend hoping to atleast spot him outside maybe having some fun and enjoying himself with the other kids…hoping it may help me feel better but no such luck he was no where in sight…none of the kids were out…i also drove by my 3 yr olds foster home a few days ago and began to panic when the has was dark and the vehicles were gone…my mind started racing and thoughts continued running through my mind believing that the foster mom had took him and moved away and i would never find him ever again…i would never know where he is or if he is okay…i kinda like knowing where he is even though i am not supposed to and am not supposed to go near there i guess cause i believe as long as i can go by over the years without people noticing me in the neighborhood then i can see him grow from afar and know that he is okay and still around but i do not know where my girls live and i am not sure if that is better because i think that someday knowing where he is is going to cause me alot of emotional wreckage and trouble…i already caused myself much unneeded anxiety for a few days and then bam i ran into his foster mom which gave me some relief knowing she didnt take him and run away with him…just the other day i had got into it with my case manager who tells me she is friends with my sons foster mom and i need to realize that he is her son now and not mine and that hit me hard and hurt bad and i told her he will always be my child he will never be hers and alls i could do was sit in her office and cry and let my mind race with thoughts of wanting to escape the pain from the knife she had just stuck through my chest with her tourturous comment…i cried for a long time and then finally left and went and talked to my therapist for a while and calmed myself down enough to realize that my anxiety was high and i needed to get home before i made it to the point where i couldnt drive at all…since for 2 days before that i had been spacing out and at one point while driving i all a sudden realized i was almost going to hit the guard rail and could not figure out what happened and 3 times that afternoon i went off the side of the road…my mind has been fading in and out and it is scary at times…i little while ago i was sitting on the porch and i started ruminating about how my daughter is turning 6 monday and i cant even give her a hug and tell her how much i love and miss her and how i wish i didnt fuck things up and how sorry i am…then a thought crossed my mind again about suicide which really fucked me up because i have not self injured since last saturday and have been out of the psychiatric hospital since tuesday…i know i am a coward and dont have the courage to hang myself or anything like that but i got this thought about the amount of pills i have…then i quickly pushed it away and have avoided it since but i know when i start thinking bout overdosing on my meds it is dangerous for me…i am supposed to be on a daily pill box picking my meds up everyday from the next town over but my car is fucked up and when i got out of the hospital i never turned in my new bottles of pills from the hospital plus the hospital gave me back the pills i had before i came in there so i have a month and a half supply which is dangerous thinking for me since i havent even been thinking bout cutting and thought i have been doing okay and managing since i have stopped crying these past 2 days every other hour and i have not been feeling much i have been pretty much numb not really feeling anything and when i have felt sad depressed lonely or anything i have wrote talked to people or distracted myself…but i am a bit concerned about the way i have been fading in and out and seem to be more jumpy and skittish…but i guess this is all a part of the process of everything i am going through and feeling or not feeling and avoiding


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