sept 25 2010

I spent most of the day today from about 2 p, until about an hour ago researching the websites of online pharmacies and what they call iops where I can order my last doses of pills I will ever take. Although I have not ordered any and do not have the money and probably wont have the money for quite some time. When I do have the money I plan on placing an order and it will take about 4 weeks to receive the items and then I will choose when adn where and if I will even follow through with my decision. The last time I did this I researched the people and companies for a couple months then placed the order and then held the pills for another 6 weeks before carrying out my plan and ended up failing.

I realize my mistake back then and had not ordered enough of each type of pills and had not drank any alcohol along with the phenobarbitol and ativan and the neighbor had interfered in my plan and ended up finding me and calling 911. This time when and if I do it I will hike up into the woods and take the pills once I reach and area far enough in the mountains to lay down and silently rest in peace in an area where no cell can pick up signals and no one can interfere in my plans,

I have alot to think about before making my final decision regarding this as I am scared and not sure I want to commit to this as I know my son will hurt and I do not want to cause him harm but how much harm am I causing him currently by being unable to be available to him emotionally and not really communicating with him as he seems not want to be bothered and consistantly says I bother him when I try to hang with him while he is on his computer and I try to talk with him. Instead he may be better off with me gone. But it soething I really need to make a sound decision about before I act. I spent most of the day today from about 2 p, until about an hour ago researching the websites of online pharmacies and what they call iops where I can order my last doses of pills I will ever take. Although I have not ordered any and do not have the money and probably wont have the money for quite some time. When I do have the money I plan on placing an order and it will take about 4 weeks to receive the items and then I will choose when adn where and if I will even follow through with my decision. The last time I did this I researched the people and companies for a couple months then placed the order and then held the pills for another 6 weeks before carrying out my plan and ended up failing.I realize my mistake back then and had not ordered enough of each type of pills and had not drank any alcohol along with the phenobarbitol and ativan and the neighbor had interfered in my plan and ended up finding me and calling 911. This time when and if I do it I will hike up into the woods and take the pills once I reach and area far enough in the mountains to lay down and silently rest in peace in an area where no cell can pick up signals and no one can interfere in my plans,I have alot to think about before making my final decision regarding this as I am scared and not sure I want to commit to this as I know my son will hurt and I do not want to cause him harm but how much harm am I causing him currently by being unable to be available to him emotionally and not really communicating with him as he seems not want to be bothered and consistantly says I bother him when I try to hang with him while he is on his computer and I try to talk with him. Instead he may be better off with me gone. But it soething I really need to make a sound decision about before I act.

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