April 21 2008

thoughts about my life and therapy
Current mood: ashamed
every week i go through so much in my mind and want to let it out and talk about it but it seems when i get to therapy i just cant…sometimes i have a hard time even looking at my therapist…it is like she already knows too much about me and i am ashamed to be face to face with her…i wish i could just let it all out and not keep holding it inside…when i do let it out it is by writing but it doesnt seem to go away…i write to my therapist more easily than i do talking to her and yes my writing is an outlet but yet i cant face talking bout the pain only writing…maybe i let her know too much and cant face her after she knows who i really am…she dont understand that even though i was 12 that i knew the difference between right and wrong because i had already gone through it once before when i was a child from 4-6 years old…so i knew what was happening should not have happened but yet i allowed it and became a whore instead…i went out searching for grown men to fuck me even though i didnt know them and didnt even know their names at times…i would be suductive as i was walking down the street or in the park just wanting someone to have sex with me…i was a 12 or 13 year old whore who just looked for someone to love me…i never have found love…i was married and still am even though we have been seperated for a year and i allowed him to treat me how he wanted most of the time…he did what he wanted even when i didnt want to…most of the time i laid there and couldnt even remember some of it as if i was somewhere else…i did this as a teenager also…my moms boyfriend constantly reminded me that i couldnt say anything or he wopuld get into trouble so i didnt until 4 years of it had gone on…but even then there are only few memories of it…i remember the first time and the very last time but not much about in between those 4 years just brief memories here and there about it…i try to get my therapist to understand that i knew it was wrong and allowed it to go on for years so in a way i am at fault…yes he was a 40 year old man and i was just 12 but i should have said no and not protected him all those years even though he protected me from my mothers physical and emotional abuse alot…i want her to understand how at faul;t i am for my daughters abuse…my daughter was an innocent child who my husband had no right to steal her innocense and i had no right to be blinded and not see her pain but instead i believe him and not my inner feelings that something was wrong and happening to her by him…everytime he did something that i caught and felt very uncomfortable about i flipped out on him and was told by him that i was over reacting and i was sick in my fucking head and that just because i was sexually abused as a child by family doesnt mean that he was doing anything to our daughter…and this was drilled in my head several times over her short life that we had her…i ignored her cries for help i was too wrapped up in the other kids and their issues to see her pain…my mother was just too wrapped up in herself her jobs and her men to see my pain…but i was constantly on the run trying to care for the other 3 that had eating issues behavoir issues physical issues back and forth to the drs and shit with the other three that when she missed behaved i spent a little time with her by taking her shopping with me or something but she never trusted me i guess to let me know how he was hurting her i never allowed her to trust me as much as i talked with her and tried to show her i loved her and that she was beutiful and my world i really didnt spend alot of time with her to allow her to trust me and see how much i loved her and what she meant to me…my therapist tries to get me to see that my child hood was so fucked up that alls i knew was chaos and instability and this is why i couldnt give my kids stability but no matter what i did to try to provide stability it was never enough and alls i did was run from everything whenever there was a fear in me i could not bear…my therapist wants me to let her in and what happenins is i let her in just a bit and then put up 3 more walls to keep her out once i feel vulnerable and like she just likes to her about everyones misery and it really dont matter to her who you are or what u have been through or how you became who you became she always just wants you to talk about shit and let her in only for her to leave you stranded with that pain once it is brought up…i feel like she wants me to just let it all out and get over it but there is no getting over losing my kids because of my inability to protect them…my therapist dont see what a low life i really am she dont understand that i allowed my kids to experience the abuse they endured…there were many times i watched my husband smash our son upside his head and alls i did was scream yell and hit him but yet stayed…even when i did try to leave on a few occasions i allowed my fear and insecurities to rule me instead and came back…i feel guilty for my childrens pain i feel i caused it even if i didnt physically hurt them i feel like i hurt them even worse then he ever could have…i want my therapist to see what a fucking inadequate mother i was and how i dont deserve to be happy because i allowed so many lives to be destroyed…want her to understand that i deserve to be punished i dont deserve to get anywhere in life i deserve to be tortured and killed…i want her to understand how much a bad terrible person i am i want her to look at all the bad shit i have done and do do instead of trying to look at and search for positive shit that really will never compare to the awful shit i have done in life…she will never understand how much i dont deserve a life she dont know the real me the me that has hurt so many people and allowed them to be repeatedly hurt and ignoring the feelings that boiled inside and protected the scum who did this..she dont know how much i am at fauld for ruining lives and how much i am at fault for what has happened in my life even as a teenager she dont want to see that i am at fault for what has happened in my life…i just wish someone would hunt me down and toture and murder me…i deserve to be tortured and killed slowly a painful death

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/feelingtrapped1979/blog#ixzz14pw6CAql

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