April 21 2008

some things about me
Current mood: contemplative
hi i am trappedinlife…i am 28 years old and have been self harming since i was 15 years old but if i actually look back into my younger years i see many different actions that i did that actually harmed myself also even though i was not doing them to the same extent i have done in the past and do currently…when i was 15 i tried to commit suicide for the first time in my life when my oldest son was 6 weeks old…it was valentines day 1995 and of course i failed and ended up in the hospital which is where i first started my cutting…from the hospital i went and lived in an adolescent residential for emotionally disturbed teens i was there until august 1998 when i turned 19…while i was there my self harm just got worse and my hopelessness with life carried on…several times while in there i tried to kill myself with no success…i got out when i was 19 in agust 1998 and stayed with family friends here there everywhere even shelters and the park and sidewalks at times but none of this helped i was still cutting and continued to be in and out of hospitals for trying to commit suicide there was even several times when i would self harm while in the hospital…i also went to day treatment and alls i did there was avoid dealing with any real issues and had been in a constant state of crisis through therapy i made very few break throughs and many times just avoided and ran from anything that would cause me to remember my past…in may 2000 i found out i was pregnant with my 7 second child which gave me reason and meaning to survive…i stopped cutting and started to live…i began to go to school and got an apartment through my case manager at dmh…the father was not involved at the time since it was a one night thing but i did move into the same building he lived in which was somewhat strange and uncomfortable but i managed…when my second son was born we got together and i ended up pregnant 5 weeks after his birth and we got married 2 a month after that and moved to a bigger apartment…that was feb 2001 and we got married march 7th 2001…the physical abuse with him started not long after that and it continuied until last year when i finally was able to gain some courage through the help of therapy and treatment to get a protective order on him…in 2003 we seperated for 6 months in which he lied to courts to get emergency custody of the 2 kids which 5 days later ended up in foster care which they stayed there for 2 long years…during that 6 months we were seperated and it was torture he harrasseed me tried having me arrested on several occasions and shit like that telling lie after lie i ended up relapsing with my cutting which i had not done for over 2 years that febuary and was hospitalized then again i tried to overdose and kill myself in april of that year…after getting oput of the hospital i started to move forward and tried to get on with my life and fight for my children…in may 2003 i started to mess around with an old friend and ended up pregnant by the end of may…but i didnt know yet…when all a sudden my husband went to the person i had been messing with and said he wanted me back…i jumped back into that relationship with him and then found out i was pregnant a few weeks later…then i got pregnat with my 5th child a few months after my 4th child was born and the 2nd and 3rd child were still in foster care and my oldest child still lived with my mom…we moved around alot and finally proved enough stability to get the 2 back from the state on feb 25th 2005 when my youngest and last chiold was 9 days old and the forth child was a year old that day that the second and third child came home…it was long there after that there were abuse towards the children and myself and the stability went down hill quickly…instead of being able to get things straight we moved out of state to avoid the issues that were happening and lost the 4 youngest children jan 18th 2006…i was still under his control even after finding out about my daughters sexual abuse by him which i found out august 2006…he was continuing to do what he wanted with me when he wanted it and i allowed it i guess…i didntr get away from him until april 2 2007 which was too late for me to regain custody of the kids and i lost my rights due to my inability to stabilize myself…i had relapsed back into my self harm feb 2006 and have not been able to gain control over it since…i have tried to kill myself on several occassions and been in and out of icu and the psychiatric hospitals and treatment centers since losing them…now i have lsot all my rights to them and can no longer see them find out about them or have anything to do with them…they all will be adopted at some point…the 3 youngest have already been adopted and as for my 7 year old he is in a residential for children with behavoir difficulties and supposed to be going to a home when he is stable enough…my oldest son who is now 13 lives 12 hours away still with my mother and i see him periodically…he will be coming down for the whole summer and i am excited…i talk to him almost everyday and am worried bout his mental health and what he has gone through in his life but he is the type that holds everything in and takes it out on his school work and has for years…i am currently free from self harm since tuesday april 15th 2008 which is not long but i am truing hour by hour to stay free even with these urges i continue to have…i currently am in dbt and have been in it since august 1998 with the middle years when i had my children when i didnt go at all and was in no kinda of treatment at all…now i am in dbt, therapy, accupunture and group therapy, and a trauma recovery group that is very difficult to be in but i am sticking it out since i quit it last year and trying to work through my life and suffering


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