january 12 2009

In January 2006 my children were removed from my home for domestic violence issues. After they were removed, it was not much time before my stability with my mental health deteriated to the point I could not get it back together to regain custody of them. Back when I was 15, I had my first child and within 6 weeks, I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. I had had mental health issues since I was a very young child and was removed from my home for abuse by my parents and relatives. From That first hospitalization, it took me 5 years to stabilize and my mother had my child from the time he was born. He just turned 14 a few days ago. When I got pregnant in 2000 with my second child I stabilized and stopped trying to if myself and stopped harming myself altogether. I now had a reason to go on. I then got married and had three more children during the next 5 years. Although the marriage was rocky from the start and there was repeated abuse occurring I was mentally stable. I had not harmed myself since May 2000 and had not been hospitalized since then either. My children were removed from my home for neglect due to the witnessing of the abuse that was occurring. After the children were removed, the state used the mental health history of both my husband and I to keep the children in foster care. They used records from back when I was a child in their custody against me. Within 6 weeks of the children’s removal, I was completely unstable and back to harming myself and trying to off myself. I felt there was nothing left for me to live for. Eighteen months later my parental rights were terminated due to my mental health instability and my inability to get my life back on track and feeling there was a reason to go on. Now it has been 3 years since the removal and 18 months since the termination hearing where I lost my parental rights. I have gotten a divorce and have finished 2-fulltime semester in college and am starting my third. I have become a lot more stable even though it has been a rough and rocky road and there are many days that I feel and believe I cannot proceed in life. Nevertheless, I keep trudging. I cannot figure out how or why I am still alive. I have nothing left to live for. My children are all adopted off except my 14 year old and I can never see them until they are of age and that is if they decide to seek me out and want something to do with me. Now what do I do for the next 10 years? The oldest of the four that are gone just turned 8 and the youngest will be 4 next month. Then I have my 7 year old and one that will be 5 next month. I have a long wait ahead of me. What if they don’t want anything to do with me? I would have kept struggling for all these years to come for nothing.

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