june 22 2009

I have been contemplating alot lately and not really sure of the full
answer yet. There have been many losses in my life that has been
paiful and still to this day are difficult to cope with when thought
about. I have experienced many things in my life and have been unable
to discuss or let go of it. Some of the trauma has been buried and I
am not even sure of its validity since I do nto remember it. There
are
many times where i get intense emotions, panic, or just need to get
away as my anxiety rinses for no aparent reason and I believe it is
triggered by my tramatic childhood. I have been through several
different treatments and seen many therapist since the age of 4 years
old. Twenty-five years later I have secrets I still feel ahsmed of
and
that have held me back from accomplishing things i would have liked
to
accomplish.
I have had a failed marriage, lost 4 of my 5 children to the state
and
will never and can never see them until they age out if they even
want
to see me since they have been adopted 3 of the 4 and now have new
families. Families that are stable and able to care for them the way
the need and deserve. My oldest son had lived with my moth for his
first 13 1/2 years of his life and now he lives with my brother. I
had
him very young and ended up in the psychiatric hospital after my
first
suicide attempt when he was 6 weeks old. It was then i began self
injuring and have had many times when it has helped me get through
difficult situations and I need it to survive. There was a time in my
life that I had stopped with 1 slip in over 5 years. When my youngest
children were removed from my house at ages 11 months, 23 months, 4,
and 5 years old I began needing it again and it became dangerously
addicting to me. It was my survival. Now it has been 2 years since
the
loss of my parental rights and alls I have accomplished is fucking
up.
I have gotten into drugs for weeks here and there sometimes a bit
longer other times shorter. I have attempted suicide several times to
no avail. I have become a complete failure and been unable to be a
productive member of society. I am on disabilty and unable to keep a
job as I am too mentally unstable. I suffer from depressiona dnat
times feel suicide is my only way out.
Recently I have contemplated ending my life but want it under the
right circumstances. I do not want to fail when the time comes as I
have always been more miserable after unsuccessfully trying. I have
researched alot and for the most part feel that I could go through
with it under the proper disstress although also want to make sure
all
things are inorder and I have written my last words to important
people in my life. I had had a plan and was supposed to carry it out
in a couple days although that has been placed in lombo since the
materials I had planned to use has not arrived and is unavailable to
me currently. I know there are opther ways although want a fool proof
method as failure has always been second nature for me and I have
never really ever been able to do anything successfully.
With all this said I also realize suicide is not just something that
anyone can attempt. I also realize that there may be some other ways
to get through all this stuff and learn to let go of alot of it. I
have ene in and out of therapy for many years since before i started
preschool I guess more in than out. I was raised pretty much in
residential homes for emotionally disturbed and troublesome children
and then as a teenager I was in another place for the same types of
issues. I have always been the one who has not mattered to my mother
and none of us really ever has mattered to my sperm donor. My mother
to this day still only calls when she needs soemthing or when my
siblings need something. But when I need soemthing she does not
answer
and does nto call. She has always hated me and that may be because I
was the first born and she was a teenager and I am the cause of her
being unable to be a child and her having to grow up so quickly. I
believe I was worthless and doomed from the beginning as my parents
were forced to marry due to her pregnancy of me and she really was in
love with someone else who had moved on and she felt trapped and
stuck
with someone she didi nto want to be with.
Needless to say I have difficulties fitting in and feeling as if I
matter to anyone. I also have a hard time expressing myself with
words
and find it difficult to cope. I have changed several things over the
years and life does seem somewhat better although this time of year
has been difficult for me for a while even when life is going semi
alright if that is possible at this time of year I always end up
emotionally unstable and unable to cope. I have not self injured in
about 2 weeks. I am not using drugs, and I am miserable but sure do
not have an appropriate means of killing myself at the moent although
very depressed altely and wanting to push people away as I feel they
are fake not really what they make themselves to be. It is almost as
if they all are emotionally detached and desensitized to emotions. I
seem to be the target of men who are manipualtive and use me for
whatever they can get. I am sick of living this way although I have
tried several methods other than suicide and hurting myself or others
and have not been able to get far. I always end up right back at
square 1. Well thanks for listening I guess I am just venting and
trying to process somethings within myself and hopefully some one can
understand my experiences, pain, and heartache. Maybe someone will
feel better knowing they are not alone in this and there are others
that feel this way. I am nto sure but just needed to do some writing.
Thanks for listening and reading.

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