november 9 2007

losing control of my mind
Current mood: confused
feeling alone in this world is a reality that i live day in and day out learning to be with myself and not avoid myself is difficult it is a challenge i take on hourly everyday…somedays i am unsuccessful and can not cope with my feelings of lonliness and inadequatecy…other days like these past few days it is almost like i am living in a far off world that does not seem to exhist to anyone else maybe not even me…i fade in and out of spaceyness…yesturday i was driving down the expressway and all a sudden i realized i was going to hit the guard rail… then several hours later driving i went off the road 2 different times…today i minimized my driving to neccesity but i still managed to not totally feel all there while driving home from my appointment…then during my dbt group today i felt very confused and felt very emotional and almost started crying over these feelings of confusion and allowing myself to look stupider than i actually am…i have been going through several crying spells throughout the past few days…i am depressed but dont feel suicidal or like self injuring for a change…i just have been fading alot and it is uncomfortable…i dont like it…it feels out of control and i dont like the feeling of being out of control…my whole life people have taken control of me and my body and now i feel i cant control either or my mind…i feel like i am losing myself completely…will it ever end…will i ever get control back…why is this happening

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