Farewell By: Matthew Groff

 

Farewell

Open our eyes and the world can seem a scary place. Open our minds and the choices can overwhelm. Open our hearts, and we may feel a need to lessen the pain. Look to our souls to choose a path. Remember the joy, remember the discovery, Remember all we h…ave learned, Remember the friendship, remember the love… With feeling. Remember the pain, for what it taught us About ourselves, about our world. But, remember with mindfulness, And let the hurt go. In the darkest and coldest of nights, Our fearful or angery expectations will not serve us. But our dreams of a brighter warmer day Will illuminate a path to that dawn. Hope heals, hope sustains, Hope can warm cold hearts and open closed minds. To forgive ourselves, to forgive others, To dream of a better world that yet may be, This is love. To act on love, To be willing to strive and sacrifice For the growth and healing, Of ourselves and others, Is to be responsibly human. With such humans I have fought alongside for what I believes is just and fair, With such humans, I have wept, With such humans I have laughed, With such humans I have even vented and stormed. I have seen more than my fair share of bright warm days. Now, not by choice I must go. Without expectation that I will see days as bright or warm, Or coworkers as responsibly human. But with hope that I may be able to appreciate, How bright those tomorrows may be, And how responsibly human those future coworkers may be, Or, may yet become. When we look to the future, We create paths of energy That draws those futures to us. Always dream of brighter days… Especially in the dark cold nights. See More

By: Matthew Groff

 

Free Self Help Tool. The Map.

 

Free Self Help Tool. The Map..

For the majority of us moments of real happiness, at the best, are

short lived. To fall back to a state of not being unhappy is a normal,

stable, workable state of being that allows the moments of real

happiness to just happen.

If you find your normal state of being is unhappy then there is

something wrong in your life and though your unhappiness is caused

by an outside (outside of your control) influence, as I take you

through the meanings of each image you will find the path away from

unhappiness is totally under your control.

Technically, as you can see, the Map is not a map as you will know

maps to be, but with a little understanding of what the six

illustrations represent, a life journey can be planned.

Have you ever had a big life­ changing decision to make?

Did you think of, or write down, the pros and cons of the

consequences of your decision/action to give yourself something

tangible to help you make a decision?

The Map endeavours to take the idea of a pros and cons list much

further, to make tangible much more information.

Each picture depicts a place we can be mentally and emotionally in

our relationships with the world, different places for different

relationships, all at the same time.

With the Map, once understood, if we can be honest with ourselves as

to where we are in any particular troubling relationship we can then

see the steps to take to improve our situation .

There are a few rules to this type of map reading, the first, and most

important rule is that it is only for you !!

It is not possible to consider where someone else is on the Map to try

to help them.

Having said that it could be helpful for a relationship for another to

see where you feel you are in your relationship with them.

Our position in the world is defined by how we relate to everything

and everybody, how we relate to our friends, our environment, our

partner, our family, our government, our neighbours , our poverty,

our riches, our education, our boss, our workers etc. etc. Our

problems come from how all the above relates to us!

I trained as a nurse for people with learning disabilities in Liverpool

and it was during this training I gave a talk to a group of nurses and

tutors on the map, at the end of the talk I took questions and one

nurse, looking at the blackboard on which I had drawn the places of

the map, asked me “where does it start ?”

There is no start, and no end, life goes on regardless and the problems

life throws at us we rarely see coming, often we only know we have a

problem when we feel the effects of it and mostly the actual problem is

beyond our control.

With this in mind please bear with me when I say the start, new

beginnings, is at the end so we shall start at the end.

Loss, Emptiness, Broken Dreams &

New Beginnings

Emptiness describes this place, nothing but a multi platform staircase

for as far as the eye can see .

Pain and despair may have brought you here but now there is just

emptiness.

Life is precious, though the thought of starting again will be daunting

there is a way out.

Take the stairs.

Those stairs symbolise the concept of taking one small step at a time,

the platforms symbolise small goals you need to set yourself.

These goals will be different depending on your situation, the goals a

peasant women, after an earthquake, sitting on the rubble of what

used to be her home, mourning the death of her children will be very

different from the film star whose loved husband has just left her for

another woman. But either way both have to move on, slowly, step by

step.

For the peasant woman her first small step could be to make a shelter

so that she can get some sleep and enough strength to go and (take her

next step) find some clean water to keep her going until the next day

when she will need to take her next step and go find food.

The film star, though her loss is incomparable to that of the peasant

woman can feel just as empty. You cannot feel emptier than empty, and

though her steps will be very different they still have to be identified

and taken.

These two examples may seem a little extreme, maybe you just feel you

are here because life for you is just ‘OK’, you go through the motions

but its all routine, you don’t feel empty because of any loss, you just

feel empty because in your life maybe there is no feeling of purpose,

or satisfaction or creativity. Possibly downloading this Map was your

first step, taking the trouble to make a a nice poster of the Map to

remind you day to day about your life path could be the next step.

As with any place on the map there are many scenarios, only you know

how you got here and what your small steps could be, the important

thing is to identify those steps and, little by little, climb the stairs to the

next level.

Lessons will have been given but not necessarily learned here, new

beginnings are created but not necessarily carried through to the end

here, it is too early, the past is too raw .

Earlier I mentioned the map is all about you, it is now that you have to

provide for you, you are both the inner child and the outer parent,

here there is no one else to provide for you, others may be able to help

but you are the one that must get that help.

It may be cold and lifeless here like a lifeless ploughed field in the

winter but plant the seeds now and in a few months you will be in a

very different place.

Key concepts for this place,

loss

emptiness

step by step

small achievable goals

provide for yourself

understand there is a lesson to be learnt

new beginnings

Decisions, Freedom, Influence, The Future.

At the bottom right of this place is the last platform at which you will

have arrived at by taking those small steps upward, back into the

world.

This is probably the most important place on the map, it is here you

decide the structure of your future.

At this place you are free to decide for yourself, real freedom is a

strange thing, as soon as you use your freedom to decide a path

complete freedom is lost, when you commit to a future there are bills

to pay, work to be done, consequences to work through, responsibilities

to take on, all of which chip away at your freedom.

It is really worth spending a little time here bathing in your freedom

before you decide what to do next.

So what are your options?

We can take the path to the bridge and begin what looks like a very

long uncertain walk to what cannot be seen, or we can take the easier

route by going down to the jetty and getting in the boat to drift with

the current to where ever it takes us.

The Boat.

If you take another look at this place you will see the current, the

darker water, takes us through an opening to the next place we will be

discussing.

This darker water, the current, is the force of influence.

We are all affected by some form of influence, what we wear, the way

we speak, what our expectations are, our drinking habits , our beliefs.

Some influences are good for us some are most definitely bad for us.

The difference between the good and the bad influence is a good

influence shows us the path that will benefit us, the bad influence

shows us the path that will benefit the influencer.

The role of the influencer will be discussed in the next two places we

will visit and need to be read before one can fully understand this

place because the first four places to be discussed form a cycle you

may be in without realising it, this needs to be understood before you

can go forward.

There is the concept of going with the flow and there is the concept of

fighting against the flow and there is a ‘Map’ concept of taking the

bridge to walk over the flow altogether.

The bridge

The bridge, over a vast expanse of water, is your path to the future

that you have decided to construct for yourself.

This is a path into the complete unknown, or to put it another way, this

is the path away from everything you have known.

OK it is easy for me to sit here conceptualising , but what does it all

mean in the real world, ‘constructing the future’, ‘into the unknown’.

It gets worse!!

You have to believe in yourself and follow your heart, do only what

feels wholesome and maybe follow some influences that have been

good in your life.

You may be sitting at a real crossroad, a real bus station, a real

airport thinking you have just read these words but the concepts do

not exist in the real world .

I don’t blame you, I have also heard and read wishy washy concepts

that at the time blur rather than clear up the problem and yet what I

have just told you to do is 99% of parenting.

Millions of parents, every day go about constructing a future for their

children, and the only guidelines they have is what the love in their

hearts tells them and what feels wholesome and right.

To believe in yourself, to follow your heart and to only do what feels

wholesome are real concepts and with the help of the Map, the only

tools you need to get where you want to be.

You again have to be your own parent, both the inner child and the

outer parent.

Keeping with the parent child theme an example in real life of this

place would be the difference between good parenting and bad

parenting.

A good parent would lead their child to the bridge, away from bad

influences, a good parent, without knowing what the future holds for

their child has faith that they are equipping their child with all that he

or she will need to cross the bridge safely to the future.

Bad parenting would allow their child to drift in the boat from one

bad influence to another, possibly because neither parent or child

realise that a bridge to the future exists.

Earlier I spoke of the first four pictures or places where we can find

ourselves, form a cycle or a circle, though we haven’t yet described the

other two places I would like now to touch on what that circle is, the

reason being that it is this place where the circle can be broken.

As we will see further on, the two top pictures represent places where

you have value, that is, places where you value yourself and others

value you.

If you take the bridge you are valuing yourself, this may mean taking a

course, learning a trade, trying your luck in a new place, whatever it is

that you do it is something that feels wholesome for you, you are

developing your creativity for you despite what others may say, I add

despite what others may say because there always seems to be someone

who given the chance would exert their influence over you for their

benefit.

Not valuing yourself is very common, though you wouldn’t get to this

place and consciously say to yourself “I have no value” the fact that the

real creative you has never had a chance to emerge is likely to make

you feel you are not capable of crossing that long bridge so you decide

to take the boat and drift along straight back into the cycle or circle

taking you to the next place we shall discuss.

Key concepts for this place.

Decisions made by what feels wholesome

Construct your future

Freedom to be you

Influence and influencer

Valuing yourself

Not valuing yourself

Listening to what your heart tells you

Believe in yourself

Lies, Powerless, Drifting.

Here is the source of the current of influence, the rock to the left, to

the bottom right is a break in the border, the entrance through which

the current will bring you if you took the decision to get in the boat.

The current takes you off into a misty swamp, a marshland where the

mist hides the truth and the many winding channels hide the real

direction you are going .

To the middle of the picture there is another break in the border, this

is the entrance to the last picture in this cycle or circle.

If you live on a desert island, completely self sufficient, only then you

will not find yourself here.

This is the place people in power, represented by the rock, manipulate

the rest of us to live to a constraint that will keep them in power.

I am not just describing dictators, terrorists, bullies and wife beaters

they are obvious power hungry influencers.

The sayings, “kept in the dark” or “taken for a ride” describe this

place.

To be taken for a ride requires an influencer and an ‘influenced’

In real life this can be something mildly annoying like trying to get

your money back for faulty goods or services from a faceless

impenetrable bureaucracy, ranging through to life destroying incidents

like debtors hounded to the point of suicide.

In this place it not just that an act or situation is being imposed on you

it is you allowing it to be imposed by sitting in the boat going with the

flow that is controlled by your influencer, you know something is

wrong but you cant quite put your finger on what that is, this is

because with all the twists and turns of the channels in the swamp you

end up with no idea where you are, or where you stand, and if you

look for the truth all you find is a thick mist that hides it.

In the previous place I spoke of following your heart and only doing

what feels wholesome, how many times have you thought “I knew

there was something not right about that” but didn’t take any action?

Well that is what believing in yourself is all about, believing in those

feelings.

The usefulness of this picture, of seeing this place , is that instead of

going down the downward spiral in the next place, the last place of this

cycle, after the second or third unanswered call, the second or third

excuse, the first couple of attempts at manipulating you, the reaction

that makes you think your not valued or just the feeling that

something is wrong, then look at the this place and ask yourself are

you drifting through a misty marshland of lies, do they have all the

power in this situation?

If they do then it is time to get out of that boat, step into the sticky

mud and sum up all your strength to walk, step by step, back to the

bridge, away from the influencer.

In real life it will mean you saying to yourself “ I have had enough of

the truth being hidden, of not being valued, of not treading my own

path, of going with your flow, your direction, for your benefit”

As in real life, it is not that simple, do you know the difference between

wishful thinking and your heart’s intuition and are you just being

paranoid and fearful that the ‘they’ have all the power?

With an understanding of this place in some situations its so obvious

that you are in the marshlands, in other situations it is all far more

subtle .

The truth is that we have all been in this misty marshland of lies as the

victim, the influenced, and also we have all at some time been the

influencer!

The way to tell if you are being paranoid or just wishfully thinking

somehow everything will turn out for the best is to honestly ask

yourself are you , or do you aim to be, the influencer?

In the previous place I spoke of constructing your future, is the

influencer not constructing their future, of course they are, so what is

the difference?

The difference lies in the intention. To return to the parent child

analogy, every parent is capable of being an influencer, the parent

holds the power in a parent child relationship.

As an example a child comes home from school exhausted, the parent

notices the child’s tiredness and sends them to bed early, this is a

parent on the bridge leading their child to the future, the parent’s

intention is wholesome. On the other hand a parent sending their

child to bed early because the parent wants to have some grown up

time is being the influencer. (child “but why?” parent “because I say

so!”) the intention is one of benefiting the influencer.

Another example can be found in politics, many go into politics to be

influencers with the intent to use the marshland of lies to gain wealth

and exert power, but on the bridge a few honest souls in politics have

the intent to make sure that bridge to the future is well maintained for

us.

In life we all have to get stuck in, earn a living , bring up children and

every day we interact and relate with others, make choices about who

to trust and invest in that trust. A good term of reference when we are

deciding who to trust is to step back and ask ourselves are they

showing us our way on the bridge to our future for our benefit or are

they pulling us along through the marshland for their benefit?

Is your doctor a healer or a businessman/woman? Is your boss a

provider/facilitator or an influencer, does a significant other care or

do they manipulate, the difference will always be their intention.

It is hard sometimes not to be the influencer, was my website designed

to influence you into buying this PDF? Do you now feel like I am

pulling you through the marshland of lies?

Well I will tell you that what you have paid for is a lifetime of my life

experience and over ten years thought and my intention is that we can

all have a better life in this exchange.

The website and this PDF were both designed with the intention to not

be an influencer and yet promote, sell and deliver a concept.

Or am I lying??

Sorry I don’t want to confuse you, taking you one direction and then

another but I wanted to make the point that truth is what you feel it to

be not just what others tell you, what feels wholesome is your guide, it

is your guide to the truth and your guide to your path. And, if you can

believe me, this whole project feels wholesome for me.

So are you being over sensitive or paranoid? Well first I can tell you

the difference between wishful thinking and intuition, intuition more

often than not tells you what the bad things are, where as wishful

thinking only tells you what you want to hear, also intuition is felt in

the body, wishful thinking is just made up thoughts in the head, fun

but meaningless.

Now have you just read all this and think you are being paranoid

about people having power over you? Well forget what you think, take

more notice of what you feel and if you feel you are in this place then

you probably are, whether you are paranoid or not you will be right,

you will always be right, whether you are right or wrong you will

always be right, because if you were wrong it was right for you to be

wrong because you had a lesson to learn.

You are not alone, we all have lessons to learn.

Key concepts for this place.

being influenced

having no direction

not being valued

being conned

lies

giving up your power

a test for your intuition

lessons

Downward Spiral, Pain, The End.

This is the place where wishful thinking has been smashed.

Where the awful truth that the lies were hiding has been uncovered.

Or the realisation of loss.

From any part of the map we can find ourselves at the bottom of the

spiral staircase in a second, it could be a phone call, an act of nature,

an accident or an act of malice. One moment everything is or appears

to be (depending on where you are on the map) fine, the next moment,

that piece of truth, that earthquake, that landslide, that road accident

and you are here.

So there are two ways to this place, the instant calamity or the slow

progress through the marshland to the edge and then metaphorically

pushed down the steps by your influencer.

As there is not a lot we can do about the instant calamity let us take a

look at the area we can do something about and that is the influencer.

Here there is the base of the rock , the power, the influencer, and next

to it is a slimy dripping spiral staircase, in fact it is a one way staircase

going down!

The influencer is very powerful, very solid and immovable but it has

one vulnerability, the moment you touch it the influencer’s power

dissolves so it will fight to the end to prevent you touching it.

The closer you get to the influencer the closer you will get to being

thrown away down the stairs.

There are some rare exceptions, some tenacious souls have found a

way through the marshlands above and instead of arriving here have

managed to touch and destroy the influencer.

The 1970s era Pulitzer prize journalists Woodward and Bernstein are

a good example of the exception. Their fight to discover the truth led

to the forced resignation of the then USA President Nixon. For more

information ‘google’ Watergate or/and Woodward and Bernstein

But for most of us we neither have the strength or the resources to

‘touch’ our influencers. It would have been better to have turned your

back on the influencer in the marshland but for what ever reason you

believed your influencer, blindly ran towards the influencer with open

arms but just before you were able to embrace your influencer you

found yourself at the bottom of the spiral staircase.

An example of arriving here would be the first an unsuspecting spouse

finds out there is something wrong with their marriage is that

moment of horror and disbelief when out of the blue they receive the

divorce papers!

Jimi Hendrix’s ‘Castles Made of Sand’ tells of a girl about to commit

suicide­

‘There was a young girl, who’s heart was a frown

Cause she was crippled for life,

And she couldn’t speak a sound

And she wished and prayed she could stop living,

So she decided to die

She drew her wheelchair to the edge of the shore

And to her legs she smiled you wont hurt me no more

But then a sight she’d never seen made her jump and say

Look a golden winged ship is passing my way

And it really didn’t have to stop, it just kept on going…

And so castles made of sand slips into the sea, eventually’

We don’t know if the ‘golden winged ship’ cured her or if it was

symbolic of her being taken to heaven.

For a discussion on the meaning of these lyrics see ­

http://www.songfacts.com/detail.php?id=5478

I believe that the castle she had built out of sand was the plan to

commit suicide, I believe Hendrix meant when he said

‘But then a sight she’d never seen made her jump and say

Look a golden winged ship is passing my way’

was that in her moment of despair she saw something beautiful.

I don’t believe she was cured physically, golden winged ships don’t

exist, I do believe Hendrix meant emotionally, in a moment, the

cripple girl saw the beauty of life, saw, despite her disabilities that

there was value in her being and symbolically the sight she saw

washed the despair away from her heart.

The golden winged ship didn’t stop and neither did her disability, all

that changed was a shift in her outlook on life.

I mention the cripple girl to try to to paint a picture of the despair that

one can feel here, this is the place that people consider suicide as an

option to escape this place, people who have committed suicide have

felt this is the only option here but they were wrong.

A couple of times I have spoken of both being the parent and the child

and parenting the child within you, conversely here it is possible to be

both the influenced and your influencer. If you are telling yourself

suicide is the way out of this place then you are trying to influence

yourself, pulling yourself through a marshland of lies, hiding the real

truth in a mist of emotional despair.

Here is the end of the four picture cycle, NOT the end of your life.

Below is the url for listings of helplines and centres throughout the

world helping those considering suicide or suffering with depression

http://www.befrienders.org/support/helplines.asp

From here as the initial shock turns to numbness you arrive at the

bottom of the metal stairs where we started, the place of loss and

emptiness, the place of broken dreams but most importantly the place

of New Beginnings .

And so we complete the lower cycle or circle that you may be in for the

first time or may be back in again and again.

Life in this cycle is hard and sometimes painful but there are two other

places to be in on this map away from this vicious circle of pain, loss,

having no direction or value, lets return to the bridge to the future

and decide to never get in that boat again, and walk our own path on

the bridge to the future, to the next place on the Map.

Key concepts for this place.

Shock realisation of loss and finality

getting too close to the influencer

thoughts of suicide

the end of something for you

the end of the cycle

Letting Go, Forgiveness, Closure

After a hard long walk, along the bridge to the future you will arrive

at this place.

As I said before in real life you may have been trying your luck in a

different area, doing a course, learning a skill or trade or maybe you

remained living in the same place, staying at the same job, keeping the

same social circle but importantly made small wholesome changes to

your life, your changes for you.

There is a misconception about ‘living life to the full’, when I hear that

phrase it is usually describing someone with lots of money who is

spending it unsustainably on short term pleasure.

To really live life to the full you have to create. You have to invest in

your creativity to live life to the full sustainably. Developing our

creativity is how we develop our personal growth and how we can

value ourselves and how others can value us.

It doesn’t matter what you do all that matters is that you do

something, something that feels wholesome. Wholesome doesn’t mean

it has to be safe and boring, it just means that it metaphorically tastes

good and is nourishing, or to use another phrase, it doesn’t leave a bad

taste in your mouth! You don’t even have to be good at what you do

you just have to do it and enjoy it.

To have reached this point you will have been developing your

creativity and will value yourself but to carry on your path to the

future in sight you will benefit by a short stop at this place.

You have come a long way, now you can see the end of the bridge, just

past the bridge is a path that goes through a valley between the fertile

hills ahead, a path to walk to turn a good future into a good present.

But before the end of the bridge we can see an island with a faint path

going down to the water,’s edge, you need to walk that path before

getting to your future.

If you used the Map to get here, most probably you will still be

carrying some of the darker past with you, short of being given a

lobotomy there is no way to delete the past from your memory, even if

we could we would also delete those hard learned lessons which we

certainly do not want to do.

From here on your life, or your input into your life, should be balanced

and informed, we have to discard any influence from the past that will

confuse or put you off balance.

So what exactly are we going to do?

To help define something vague it helps to look at what its opposite is,

the opposite to this place is getting revenge! A past incident has so

taken over your thoughts and emotions that you want someone to pay

and you will do anything to make them pay, your mission in life is to

make them pay, there was an incident, you were the influenced they

were the influencer and now you want revenge by turning the tables, if

not in reality, certainly in your mind, day in day out you scheme. But

take a look at the map, do you really want to become the influencer?

Forever stuck solidly in the ground in a place of pain and suffering,

looking out over a swamp?

We don’t want to remove the memories, we don’t want to remove the

lessons learnt but we do want to remove the angst that the memories

produce

Closure, letting go, and forgiveness are all about closing the book of

the past releasing the angst, lightening the load so life can move on, but

how is it done?

When doing research for the Map the image for letting go most used

on the internet was a pretty girl with her arms outstretched and a dove

or butterfly flying away, for forgiveness there was mostly religious

themes and for closure there didn’t seem to be anything helpful.

Everything here in the map is from my experience of travelling with

the map, I have experienced religious forgiveness which worked great

but didn’t last because I lost faith in the religion, having said that if

you are of a religion that embraces forgiveness I thoroughly

recommend you discuss it with them.

I am not sure there is a difference between closure and letting go, but

for me the image for closure and letting go would be dancing at a

rave!!

I didn’t add a ‘raving’ image because it was too specific to me but

that is how I achieved letting go and closure. I danced out my angst.

I would let the thoughts come and go, let the feelings flow over me, let

the rhythm move my body.

As I danced through the night, in my mind, my past was replayed,

sadness, happiness, regrets, pain, guilt, lost love, hate evaporating in

the heat and sweat and sound.

Dancing through the night, dancing out of my own darkness into the

light of a new dawn.

I give this example to show that the concepts of forgiveness, closure

and letting go are very real things and are not just intangible mumbo

jumbo.

I mentioned earlier I didn’t think there was a difference between

letting go and closure but I do believe there is a difference between

forgiveness and the other two, for example the parents of a child gone

missing, for them closure and letting go may mean the abandonment

of the child, something they could never think of doing, but forgiveness

is something they could consider to help them move on with their lives

while at the same time not abandoning hope for the return their

missing child.

At times the map has surprised me with its truth, when I was writing

the description of the previous place I realised that this place is the

place of a controversial practise, legal in some countries, and a

practise I have no views on worth writing but this place is also the

place of assisted suicide.

The dying patient of sound mind and balanced emotion who wants to

take control of their inevitable death, to save themselves maybe a

month or two of intense pain, tie up any loose ends and say goodbye to

their families, and importantly to facilitate forgiveness, letting go and

closure for their informed family.

As in all places within the map, your particular circumstances will

dictate your particular actions that need to be taken, you will have to

find your own way down the path to the water’s edge to forgive , to let

go and get closure.

Key concepts for this place.

Keeping the memory, removing the angst

Letting go

forgiveness

closure

Seeing the beauty in Life

This is the place to be, if you have arrived here then you have arrived

at your future . Its not an exotic holiday destination, no money in the

world can buy this place, neither is it an unattainable dream world,

this place is in your back yard, in a smile in a kind word.

This is not really a place as the others are its more a level of personal

development .

To get here takes hard work, I cannot tell you what your future holds

for you but its all there behind those green hills, at the end of the

bridge along that path through the valley, this place is the other side of

the green hills, think of it as weekend away from day to day living that

takes place behind those hills, there you are sat under the tree

watching the sunrise.

This place in reality may be the exact same place you were living when

you were in the misty marsh or climbing your way step by step out of

your emptiness, the difference is now you can see beauty in the life

around you.

If you can feel the beauty , and I don’t mean to intellectually see

something could be seen as beautiful, I mean actually feel it, to be

actually touched by its beauty, then you have learned how not to be

unhappy.

And if you have learned how to not be unhappy, you live in the potential

to be happy at every opportunity life can give you.

Key concept for this place.

To have the ability to see and feel the beauty in life.

How to Use the Map as a Map.

As an example as to how to use the map I thought it would be

interesting to type into my search engine ‘the most asked question

ever’ and use whatever came up here, the first question that seemed

mildly usable was ‘what is the meaning of life?’

Hmmm I thought, if the map can tell us that then maybe I should up

the price a few euros!!

So I put some music on and sat looking at the map asking it to tell me

what the meaning of life is.

The map is about all the places in life we can find ourselves, the dark

places as well as the light places with all the shades of grey between, as

I looked at the map it became obvious that the meaning of life is that

you and me actually have one, a life that is.

In fact its the wrong question, the real question is does life have

meaning? For me looking at the map now, in some places on the map

one could really be forgiven for thinking ‘my life has no meaning’ but

those places are transitional, even if in real life you can see no way out

from those places the map shows there is a path away that finally leads

to the top left hand place, sitting under the tree marvelling at the

beauty of the sunrise. I guess another way to put it is that the meaning

of life is living life through the ups and the downs until you get to the

point where you can see the beauty in life, at which point the meaning

of life is irrelevant, just a silly question you have no need of asking.

This isn’t the best example of how the map was designed to be used but

it is what life gave me to work with as opposed to me picking a subject

that I may be biased towards. So how did the map tell me the answer I

have given? Very simply, within the question ‘what is the meaning of

life?’ my mind immediately jumped to the thought that it would only

be the influencer, possibly a harsh dictator who would act as if life had

no meaning (everyone else’s life that is). As we know the influencer is

only out to get what it can from us to sustain it and never tells the

truth, therefore the real truth must be in ‘normal life’, life itself has

value and meaning.

Coming to the conclusion life does have meaning how did the map

define that meaning?

The whole map is about carrying on living through life’s adversities to

achieve the potential of happiness from which I deduced the meaning

of life is simply just to live.

Then I pictured myself seeing and feeling the beauty of life and it just

seemed that having achieved that joy the question itself would be

completely irrelevant.

As I said the above is not the best of examples so, though of course

biased towards the workings of the map, here is another example

which shows the strengths and the weakness of the Map.

Whether you are single, a parent, an adult or a child the next example

will be easy to understand.

Your child comes home from school, clothes torn, in tears and runs

straight to his or her room and locks the bedroom door. You stand

outside calling them until eventually they let you in, you eventually

find out they have been suffering for weeks at school being bullied

which has ended up with them being roughed up.

Probably your first reaction is one of anger, so if we take a look at the

place for anger on the map what do we see? Ooops there is no place for

anger on the map!!

Metaphorically and in reality there is no place for anger on the Map.

That is not to say you will not be angry in any of the places on the

map, what has to be understood is that to use the map one needs some

degree of rationality, and anger is not the best place to make the

rational decisions you need to make.

So a couple of hours later the shock has gone and you realise

something has to be done so you look at the map to see where your

child could be on the map to help them deal with this problem. Ooops

cant be done, the first rule of this type of map reading is it is only for

you.

This highlights a problem in the way we live and a weakness in the

Map. I do not believe children would have any problem understanding

and using the Map, their problem is that they are more or less

completely powerless to change anything.

It would empower a child if the parent or significant other sat down

with the child and the map and really listened to the child when they

pointed out where they felt they were on the map and why . In this case

the parent or significant other would act as a facilitator to empower

the child’s decision making.

For any children or young adults reading this who feel in need for

some outside help at the bottom of this link is in alphabetical order

worldwide child lines, for example just click ‘U’ to take you to a

selection of UK child line help centres.

http://www.childhelplineinternational.org/en/network/members

So to return to our example, to sum up, you know the map is only

about you, you know the situation is effecting you and your family and

you know you have to do something to sort out the situation.

You look at the Map and it dose not take long to realise the pain you

feel is being inflicted by the bully, the influencer. You may feel you are

in the marshland or you may feel you are about to be pushed down the

downward spiral stairs or maybe you feel you are at the bottom of the

stairs either way it becomes obvious that it is the influencer who has

taken control.

Now in reality what we have here is a mass of complicated inter

relationships going on, there is the bully, why do they bully? Why did

they pick on your child? Will action make it worse? Will the

authorities help? Will the authorities themselves try to take you

through the marshlands? Does the bully need a stronger force to

control them as in punishing, if so what would that be?

If you think like this then your brain will probably explode and you

will be no use to anyone!!!!

Look at the map, for this example’s sake we will say you feel you are

just about to be pushed down the downward spiral.

When you hand your child to the school they have the responsibility to

take reasonable care of your child, you have to trust this is the case.

I’m afraid if the authorities knew how to deal with bullying there

wouldn’t be any bullying, as we know this is not the case.

So you look at the map, the influencer has all the power and you are

about to be pushed down the downward spiral, what do you do?

You have two choices, touch the influencer to destroy them, remember

the influencer is stuck in the worse place on the map looking out over a

swamp, maybe it would be possible to touch them (the opposite to

punishing), to touch their heart to destroy the influencer inside of the

them. The second choice is to get out of the boat and into the sticky

mud and with great effort step by step carry your child back to the

bridge.

The boat represents the trust you put in the school authorities who

have let you down. Carrying your child back to the bridge would be

representative of putting your child in a better run school.

I am not suggesting you need the map to have made the decision to

change schools. I am not suggesting you invite the bully round for tea,

I am not suggesting changing schools would be easy or in fact even be

the answer.

The real answer could only be found if it was a real situation you were

really in, only you would know the full facts and how you felt, and of

how it effected you.

What I am trying to show is that the map would have an answer to

your problem.

Your problem solved would solve your child’s problem.

This example raises a question, am I suggesting running away is

always the answer? You may be asking are there not times one has to

just stay, stand up for ourselves, show a bit of back bone, show a bit of

strength, stop feeling sorry for ourselves and just get on with it?

Of course I am not saying running away is always the answer, but I am

saying its better to run towards a better future than it is to be stuck in

an unfulfilled past.

Admittedly standing up to the influencer from the beginning may have

solved a future problem but the Map is for all those times in your life

you just don’t have the necessary resources to do that.

Reading the map is simple, intuitive, bring your question to the map

honestly, locate your present place in whatever the problem you have,

once you know where you are then you can plan your way forward,

knowing where you are is the second rule of this type of map reading

(the first being it is only for you, it is not possible to read the map for

someone else)

Honestly locating where you are is the key to success with the map,

and is the most difficult part of reading the map, if the truth is you

have got where you are through something you are not proud of it will

not help you to hide this from yourself, for example possibly you tried

but failed to exert your control over others which has left you feeling

no one likes you when in fact it is just that the others really don’t want

to be controlled.

Sometimes your problem will be because you were the influencer,

sometimes it will be guilt telling you that you were the influencer when

the real truth is you had no choice.

If you are honest with yourself (which is why you cannot read the map

for some one else) the map will help you make the next move.

After reading this you will have a ‘flavour’ of each place just relax and

look at the map, sometimes an answer will be automatic, other times

you may want a week or so to think about your situation on the map,

let your mind and heart ‘jam’ (as in jazz) with the map and see where

it takes you, you can’t really go wrong.

Good Luck

I wish you a wonderfully wholesome future.

Steve Dove

Creative Commons License
The Map by Steve Dove is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

 

Why Mental Health Professionals Don’t Help

Why Mental Health Professionals Don’t Help

Are you unsatisfied with mental health care? Do you get the feeling that professionals just don’t care about you and would rather you just went away and left them alone? Do you get disappointed or angry when clinicians ignore your tears or tantrums. Have you ever wondered why?

Mental health professionals deal with all sorts of psychological, emotional and behavioral problems every day. They’re trained to assess and react appropriately to many different situations and are often confronted by violence, manipulation, ridicule and sometimes even honest distress. They’re also human.

Not all psychiatric patients have an illness. Many are just trying to manipulate the system. They may want to escape a court judgment or perhaps they’re keen to get more benefits from the state. Sometimes they want to manipulate a family member and are pretending to be depressed to get their own way. There are lots of reasons why some people will get themselves into the mental health system. Mental health professionals are interested in treating illness. They’re not generally too interested in spending a lot of time and energy ‘treating’ someone who’s healthy but trying to use the system for their own ends.

Some patients are genuinely ill but use their illness as an excuse for unacceptable behavior. Just because you’re anxious doesn’t give you the right to hurt others. If you have a drug habit or alcohol problem staff can help you with that but don’t expect to intimidate them as well. Caring does not mean being fooled by a manipulative threat to injure self or others and mental disorder will not always protect a person from the consequences of their actions. After all, ill or not most people still have choices and can choose to abide by the law just as easily as they can choose to break it.

Very often staff will ignore a client’s threats simply because they believe them to be a manipulative technique. Common examples include:

Threats of suicide if staff don’t dispense or prescribe inappropriate medication;

Threats of violence, including veiled threats such as ‘I don’t think I can control myself much longer’ (a common one from people awaiting trial for violent assault as they think a diagnosis of anger problems will mean a reduced sentence);

Emotional blackmail such as the suggestion that the professional is making things worse by not letting them have their own way and thus is a ‘bad’ practitioner.

When faced with manipulation the usual course of action will be to ‘disattend’. This means effectively to ignore the threat and so demonstrate the pointlessness of manipulation. Often clients learn this lesson very quickly and then real work can begin on the actual problems. This does not mean that the manipulation isn’t a symptom of the disorder – often it is but focusing too much upon threats of self-injury or whatever just clouds the issue.

Of course any one of these threats could also be a statement of fact from a genuinely distressed client. In these cases the reaction from staff is often very different. As a rule mental health professionals are so used to manipulation that they can quickly tell the difference. For example the drunken young man who breaks up with his girlfriend, takes an overdose of aspirin and then calls her to get the ambulance is more likely to want her to feel guilty than to end his life. Most psychiatrists resent getting out of bed at three in the morning to interview such cases.

Some people come into contact with services with impossible expectations. For example they may expect to sit back and wait while the clinicians sort out their marriage difficulties or change their apartment for a state owned house. They may have themselves admitted to a ward for detoxification so that they can sell drugs to patients already there – sometimes they even sell drugs prescribed to them by the unit they’re in. It’s surprising how often these people claim a mental illness defense when the hospital authorities call the police. Mental health units generally take a very hard line where drugs are concerned because many drugs, when combined with psychiatric medications can cause major problems and even kill.

Inpatients are often very vulnerable and the effects of other patients upon their mental health can be devastating. Clients admitted to psychiatric hospitals who set about exploiting, ridiculing or otherwise distressing their fellows are generally ‘moved on’ very quickly by the ward team. It’s not a good way to get help for yourself and it can be very damaging to the care of your victim. This is also why those patients who demand a lot of staff time and attention will only get it if the staff think it’s because of genuine need. Time spent with one patient is also time taken away from another. Many people are surprised to learn that this is also considered an abuse as it prevents other patients from getting the care they need.

Bear in mind that this does not mean that inpatients are expected to sit quietly and wait for their medication like good little girls and boys. Mentally ill or not adults are adults and have a right to express their needs, fears, distress or whatever. They’re also entitled to friendly conversation and many clients do strike up friendships with professionals as a result. It’s simply that attempts to monopolize staff time for non-genuine reasons cause problems for patients and staff alike.

Some clients have an expectation that mental health staff are there to be assaulted. They too become surprised at the reaction they receive. Staff who are attacked by florid schizophrenics as a result of a genuine delusional state tend to be quite philosophical about it. Staff attacked by people who simply want to prove a point or by those who just enjoy hurting people tend to press charges.

Mental health professionals are not anywhere near so stupid as many of their clients believe them to be. It’s true that they are often deeply cynical but that’s different. As a rule, however, they will work hard to help the genuinely ill so long as the client is also prepared to help themselves. It’s often impossible to help a mentally disordered person to move on without co-operation and so people who spend their time trying to justify their illness instead of working to overcome it tend not to do very well. Shortage of professional resources often means that after a while professionals stop trying to treat those who would prefer to manipulate them and move on to those they can help after all.

The concept of ‘treatability’ is very important to mental health clinicians. In any other job or profession people would not be expected to spend time trying to do the impossible.  Much can be done to alleviate or even cure mental disorder but this is rarely possible if the client doesn’t play their part.  Sometimes of course the client doesn’t know how to behave appropriately or isn’t able to in which case practitioners tend to do the best they can. Often teaching appropriate coping skills is the first step. The person who can control their actions and chooses not to however is a very different proposition.

This does not (or at least should not) mean that clients are written off. It’s simply that clients aren’t always ready to change. Often they are so bogged down with secondary gain issues that no amount of therapy will help. The response from services is often to stop trying and wait until the client is actually ready to change. That’s why many clients who begin drinking or using substances immediately after an inpatient detoxification program will not be admitted until six months or a year has elapsed. The client needs time to come to terms with their situation and build some motivation before trying again.

This concept of ‘readiness’ is valid for many types of mental disorder from neurosis to depression. It does not mean that medication won’t help in the meantime and very often medication is all that is necessary but for those who need to make other changes the will to do so must be present.

It’s often very difficult for professionals to know exactly what is going on. Patients tend to tell their doctors, nurses or social workers what they think the professional person wants to hear. The obvious result of this is that professionals are generally very wary and regularly find themselves ‘second-guessing’ their patients. This is not usually helpful for either patients or staff but it does explain why professionals are so used to spotting manipulation. Usually professionals will ‘see through’ the deceit to the distressed person beneath and hopefully will always begin from a position of trust but it doesn’t take long for that trust to disappear in the face of obvious and persistent lies.

Professionals are also very aware that a client who lies to one staff member will usually be just as ready to lie to all the others. That’s why playing one member of staff off against another often results in the whole team’s mistrust. Mental health staff are ordinary people who do their work in order to help people – not to be treated as fools. Neither do they take kindly to verbal or physical abuse and will respond with criminal charges if necessary.

Of course not all mental health service users are trying to manipulate their careers. In many cases they genuinely want help but don’t know what to do. Some of these people use manipulation because it’s a part of their culture. They may not even realize that it’s a problem. Many people genuinely believe that everyone manipulates others and are just doing what they think is appropriate. Until recently mental health services have not been good at understanding this distinction. Psychiatry is a relatively young science and there is still much to be learned.

The process of learning, like the process of helping is always hindered by deceit however and clients in contact with mental health services generally do better by being honest in their dealings with professionals. If you genuinely want help with your problems it’s important to trust clinicians to do what’s right. Given the chance they generally will although giving you what you need isn’t always the same as giving you what you want.

Permission by Anonymous Person

http://www.mental-health-today.com/articles/mhprof.htm

10 simple ways to save yourself from messing up your life

 

10 simple ways to save yourself from messing up your life

1.Stop taking so much notice of how you feel. How you feel is how you feel. It’ll pass soon. What you’re thinking is what you’re thinking. It’ll go too. Tell yourself that whatever you feel, you feel; whatever you think, you think. Since you can’t stop yourself thinking, or prevent emotions from arising in your mind, it makes no sense to be proud or ashamed of either. You didn’t cause them. Only your actions are directly under your control. They’re the only proper cause of pleasure or shame.

2.Let go of worrying. It often makes things worse. The more you think about something bad, the more likely it is to happen. When you’re hair-trigger primed to notice the first sign of trouble, you’ll surely find something close enough to convince yourself it’s come.

3.Ease up on the internal life commentary. If you want to be happy, stop telling yourself you’re miserable. People are always telling themselves how they feel, what they’re thinking, what others feel about them, what this or that event really means. Most of it’s imagination. The rest is equal parts lies and misunderstandings. You have only the most limited understanding of what others feel about you. Usually they’re no better informed on the subject; and they care about it far less than you do. You have no way of knowing what this or that event really means. Whatever you tell yourself will be make-believe.

4.Take no notice of your inner critic. Judging yourself is pointless. Judging others is half-witted. Whatever you achieve, someone else will always do better. However bad you are, others are worse. Since you can tell neither what’s best nor what’s worst, how can you place yourself correctly between them? Judging others is foolish since you cannot know all the facts, cannot create a reliable or objective scale, have no means of knowing whether your criteria match anyone else’s, and cannot have more than a limited and extremely partial view of the other person. Who cares about your opinion anyway?

5.Give up on feeling guilty. Guilt changes nothing. It may make you feel you’re accepting responsibility, but it can’t produce anything new in your life. If you feel guilty about something you’ve done, either do something to put it right or accept you screwed up and try not to do so again. Then let it go. If you’re feeling guilty about what someone else did, see a psychiatrist. That’s insane.

6.Stop being concerned what the rest of the world says about you. Nasty people can’t make you mad. Nice people can’t make you happy. Events or people are simply events or people. They can’t make you anything. You have to do that for yourself. Whatever emotions arise in you as a result of external events, they’re powerless until you pick them up and decide to act on them. Besides, most people are far too busy thinking about themselves (and worry what you are are thinking and saying about them) to be concerned about you.

7.Stop keeping score. Numbers are just numbers. They don’t have mystical powers. Because something is expressed as a number, a ratio or any other numerical pattern doesn’t mean it’s true. Plenty of lovingly calculated business indicators are irrelevant, gibberish, nonsensical, or just plain wrong. If you don’t understand it, or it’s telling you something bizarre, ignore it. There’s nothing scientific about relying on false data. Nor anything useful about charting your life by numbers that were silly in the first place.

8.Don’t be concerned that your life and career aren’t working out the way you planned. The closer you stick to any plan, the quicker you’ll go wrong. The world changes constantly. However carefully you analyzed the situation when you made the plan, if it’s more than a few days old, things will already be different. After a month, they’ll be very different. After a year, virtually nothing will be the same as it was when you started. Planning is only useful as a discipline to force people to think carefully about what they know and what they don’t. Once you start, throw the plan away and keep your eyes on reality.

9.Don’t let others use you to avoid being responsible for their own decisions. To hold yourself responsible for someone else’s success and happiness demeans them and proves you’ve lost the plot. It’s their life. They have to live it. You can’t do it for them; nor can you stop them from messing it up if they’re determined to do so. The job of a supervisor is to help and supervise. Only control-freaks and some others with a less serious mental disability fail to understand this.

10.Don’t worry about about your personality. You don’t really have one. Personality, like ego, is a concept invented by your mind. It doesn’t exist in the real world. Personality is a word for the general impression that you give through your words and actions. If your personality isn’t likeable today, don’t worry. You can always change it, so long as you allow yourself to do so. What fixes someone’s personality in one place is a determined effort on their part—usually through continually telling themselves they’re this or that kind of person and acting on what they say. If you don’t like the way you are, make yourself different. You’re the only person who’s standing in your way.

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifehack/10-simple-ways-to-save-yourself-from-messing-up-your-life.html

 

Jaycee Dugard Interview with Diane Sawyer; Her Future After Surviving Philip Garrido – ABC News

 

Jaycee Dugard Interview with Diane Sawyer; Her Future After Surviving Philip Garrido – ABC News.

July 10, 2011

 

Jaycee Dugard has powerful memories from the last 20 years, 18 of them spent as a prisoner of kidnappers Phillip and Nancy Garrido.

Yet, some of the most overwhelming memories come from her first two years of freedom which she and her children have spent reunited with her mother.

“Wow. Now I can walk in the next room and see my mom. Wow. I can decide to jump in the car and go to the beach with the girls. Wow. It’s unbelievable. Truly,” Dugard said in an exclusive interview with ABC News’ Diane Sawyer.

Dugard was kidnapped by Phillip and Nancy Garrido when she was just 11 years old in 1991 and held captive in a backyard compound.

She was subjected to rape, manipulation and verbal abuse. She gave birth to two daughters fathered by her abductor in that backyard prison.

Dugard lived in virtual solitary confinement until her first daughter was born three years into captivity and wasn’t allowed to spend time outdoors until after her second daughter was born, more than six years after her abduction.

She writes that the closest thing to freedom she ever felt in the compound was when she was allowed to live in her own tent and plant a small garden.

Now, Dugard is telling all in a new memoir, “A Stolen Life,” and in her exclusive interview with Sawyer.

She’s taking an unflinching look at the horror she’s overcome and giving an unsparing account of the way a predator operates and how she survived.

PHOTO: ABC News' Diane Sawyer sits down for an exclusive interview with Jaycee Dugard Sunday night, July 10th on ABC.
/ABC News
ABC News’ Diane Sawyer sat down for an… View Full Size
Jaycee Dugard Dependent on Her Abductor Watch Video
Introducing Jaycee Dugard to Nancy Garrido Watch Video
Jaycee Dugard Pregnant at Age 14Watch Video

“Why not look at it? You know, stare it down until it can’t scare you anymore,” she told Sawyer. “I didn’t want there to be any more secrets…I hadn’t done anything wrong. It wasn’t something I did that caused this to happen. And I feel that by putting it all out there, it’s very freeing,” Dugard said.

Dugard, 31, remembers the first night after she and her daughters were rescued in 2009.

They spent the night in a motel room just down the hall from Dugard’s mother, Terry Probyn.

Both Probyn and Dugard had held out hope throughout their nearly two decade separation that they’d find one another.

They had no idea that they’d been only 120 miles from one another the whole time.

“That night, I woke the girls [my daughters] up and I just said, “I’m so happy. I’m so happy!” Dugard said. “I ran down the hall…the girls are following me and knocking on the door…I walked in, ‘I’m so happy! I’m so happy!”

Click Here to Watch the Full Episode of Diane Sawyer’s Exclusive Interview with Jaycee Dugard

Simple firsts have brought healing to Dugard and her family: learning how to drive from the sister who was just a baby when Dugard was kidnapped, eating family dinners around a table instead of the fast food that Phillip Garrido fed her for 18 years, and even just saying her name which was forbidden by her captors.

Still, the sounds of her imprisonment haunt her.

“That lock. Hearing the lock…for some reason that and the bed squeal. It was a squeaky bed…I guess the noise, the sound. Weird what sticks in your head,” Dugard said.

Dugard remembers trying not to cry when she was first abducted because it was too hard to wipe tears away with her hands cuffed behind her back.

“I didn’t really want to, because then you can’t wipe them away, you know? Then you get all sticky and …then they get itchy,” Dugard said.

She says she had no choice but to endure.

“There’s a switch that I had to shut off,” she said. “I mean, I can’t imagine being beaten to death, you know? And you can’t imagine being kidnapped and raped, you know? So, it’s just, you just do what you have to do to survive.”

Page 2 of 4
July 10, 2011

 

Two of the most challenging moments for Dugard were giving birth to her two daughters in 1994 and 1997.

“I knew there was no hospital,” she said. “I knew there was no leaving.”

At just 13 years old, Dugard noticed she was putting on weight but didn’t know why.

On a Sunday in 1994, the Garridos told her she was pregnant.

Before her abduction, the little girl who sold Girl Scout cookies and wrote stories, knew nothing about sex.

Dugard writes that giving birth was the most painful experience in her life.

“And then I saw her. She was beautiful. I felt like I wasn’t alone anymore. [I] had somebody else who was mine…and I know I could never let anything happen to her. I didn’t know how I was going to do that, but I did,” she said.

 

The Kidnapping

Dugard remembers the last time she left her family’s Tahoe, Calif., home to walk to her fifth grade classroom on June 10, 1991.

She’d packed her peanut butter and jelly lunch, worn her favorite kitty shirt and a butterfly ring given to her by her mother.

In all pink, she started on her walk.

“And [I] walked up the side of the hill…that was the safe way to go against traffic. And halfway up, my world changed in an instant,” Dugard said. “I heard a car behind me.”

Creeping behind Dugard were Phillip and Nancy Garrido. Phillip Garrido rolled down his car window.

Jaycee Dugard Dependent on Her Abductor Watch Video
Introducing Jaycee Dugard to Nancy Garrido Watch Video
Jaycee Dugard Pregnant at Age 14Watch Video

“His hand shoots out and I just feel numb. My whole body is tingly…I fall back in the bushes,” Dugard said.

Garrido had shocked her with a stun gun. Panicked, Dugard scooted back towards the woods. She remembers grasping a sticky pinecone, the last thing she touched while free.

Now, she wears a pinecone charm around her neck to symbolize her freedom.

“It’s a symbol of hope and new beginnings and that there is life after something tragic.”

After shocking her, the Garridos stuffed her into their car, hid her under a blanket in the backseat.

Nancy Garrido sat on her while Phillip Garrido drove to the couple’s Antioch, Calif., home.

“It was so hot,” she said. “I remember my throat felt very dry and scratchy and like I had been screaming, but I don’t remember screaming,” she said.

Dugard remembers hearing Phillip Garrido laugh and say, “I can’t believe we got away with it.”

“It was like the most horrible moment of your life times ten,” she said.

When they arrived at their home, Dugard was stripped of her backpack, her pink clothes and her name. Garrido took her to the bathroom and told her she had to be quiet.

“I guess he wanted me to be clean…very scary. I was scared,” Dugard said.

Dugard was forced to wear nothing but a towel at first and was locked in a semi-soundproof room that had only one window.

Somehow, Phillip Garrido missed the pinky ring her mother had given her. She’d hold onto that ring throughout her captivity. She’d also hold onto the hope that she’d see her mom again.

 

Clinging to the Memory of Her Mother

“I wondered if she found out what had happened to me, if she was looking for me,” Dugard said.

Dugard worried that she’d forget what her mother looked like. She’d keep journals referring to her mother as just “her” because to write “mom” was just too painful.

Her mom, Terry Probyn, carried out a frantic search for her daughter, making tearful pleas on television.

She’d continue to hold vigils for her daughter when public interest in the family’s plight waned.

Page 3 of 4
July 10, 2011

 

“I feel like I spent my lifetime looking for her and dreaming about her and talking to you and you were always there. You never left me,” Probyn told Dugard during the interview.

The two women, clinching hands and with their bodies turned toward one another, share a remarkable bond.

“Being a mom now, you know, I know that she never forgot about me because I could never forget about my kids. But…when you’re a kid and you think you’re easily forgettable and you’re not important. But she kept…her hope. I don’t know how she did that. You know? How did I keep my hope? How did she keep her hope,” Dugard said.

Dugard still fights feelings of anger towards her captors, but tries not to dwell on them.

“I don’t feel like I have this rage inside of me that’s building,” Dugard said. “I refuse to let him have that. He can’t have me.”

Dugard’s mother can’t forget what the Garridos stole from her daughter and her.

“I think I have enough hate in my heart for the both of us. I hate that he took her life away and that makes me sad…I hate that he stole her from me. He ripped out a piece of my heart and he stole my baby,” Probyn said.

The two women look at one another. Probyn tells her, “I’m sorry, baby.”

She goes on, “He stole your adolescence. He stole high school proms and had pictures and memories…”

Dugard smiles and tells her mom, “But he didn’t get all of me.”

Jaycee Dugard Dependent on Her Abductor Watch Video
Introducing Jaycee Dugard to Nancy Garrido Watch Video
Jaycee Dugard Pregnant at Age 14Watch Video

 

The Manipulation

The Garridos mercilessly manipulated Dugard.

When she was first kidnapped, Phillip Garrido kept a stun gun present whenever he raped her, a way to remind her of his power.

After abusing Dugard, sometimes for hours in drug fueled sex binges called “runs,” he would sob and apologize.

He’d tell her that he had a sex problem and she was saving him from hurting other little girls.

While Philip Garrido was her main tormentor, his wife Nancy was equally adept at playing with Dugard’s emotions. She would bring Dugard things like a purple bear, a Barbie, chocolate milk, a Nintendo.

But she never stopped her husband from abusing Dugard.

She’d even keep Dugard locked in the compound when Phillip Garrido was away serving time for a parole violation.

“In some way, she’s just as manipulative, because she would cry and say, ‘I can’t believe that he did this. I wish he would have got a headache that morning he took you,'” Dugard recalled.

“In some ways, she’s…just as evil as Phillip,” Dugard said.

The Garridos manipulated Dugard until the presence of a stun gun and the use of handcuffs were no longer needed to keep her from fleeing.

It was classic manipulation, Dugard’s therapist, Dr. Rebecca Bailey, said.

Bailey is a family unification therapist.

Phillip Garrido’s power over Dugard grew by being “responsible for everything from time to food to human companionship to your clothes to your identity,” Bailey said.

When Dugard had her daughters, she didn’t flee because Phillip Garrido had convinced her the world outside their compound was unsafe, ironically full of pedophiles and rapists.

Even now, it’s still hard for Dugard to fully understand why she didn’t leave.

“I’ve asked myself that question many times. I know there was no leaving. The mind manipulation plus the physical abuse I suffered in the beginning, there was no leaving…. I don’t know what it would have took. Maybe if one of the girls were being hurt,” Dugard said.

 

Coping With Captivity

Page 4 of 4
July 10, 2011

 

Dugard coped with the manipulation by keeping journals, writing stories and dreams that allowed her to imagine herself in a life outside of the compound.

While the Garridos stripped her of her innocence, they could not strip her of her imagination.

She would come up with stories about the tree outside the window, she named the spider in her room, she wrote in her journals about falling in love one day, riding in a hot air balloon, being a veterinarian.

Throughout her captivity, she would take care of several cats and other animals.

When she became a mother, she turned a corner of the compound into a school for part of the day.

She remembered how she used to play school as a little girl, but now she was responsible for actually educating two little girls.

She made a regimen of classes during the day with worksheets and lessons she found online.

She mothered her girls even though the Garridos forbid the children from calling Dugard “mom.”

Nancy Garrido, jealous of Dugard, required that the children call her “mom.”

Even with access to the computer, Dugard said she never searched for her mother or for news accounts of her kidnapping.

She was scared to because of the Garridos’ manipulation.

Jaycee Dugard Dependent on Her Abductor Watch Video
Introducing Jaycee Dugard to Nancy Garrido Watch Video
Jaycee Dugard Pregnant at Age 14Watch Video

 

The Rescue and the Future

Dugard and her daughters would be rescued in August 2009 after an increasingly paranoid and delusional Phillip Garrido alarmed two campus police officers, Ally Jacobs and Lisa Campbell.

He’d shown up on the University of California, Berkeley, campus with the two daughters he’d fathered with Dugard.

The campus officers, both moms, did something nobody else had done.

They saw a man haranguing and they talked to him, engaged him and then acted on their suspicion.

A background check revealed he was a convicted sex offender.

When they called his parole officer to ask about his two daughters, the parole officer didn’t even know that Phillip Garrido had children.

Over the 18 years Jaycee Dugard was in captivity, parole officers had visited the home at least 60 times and never reported anything amiss.

Phillip Garrido was called to a meeting with his parole officer on Aug. 26, 2009. He brought his wife, Dugard and the two girls.

At first, Dugard lied for Garrido, still under the spell. She eventually confessed who she was by writing her real name down.

In her memoir, she says that writing her name was like an extinguished flame reigniting.

“The light came back…it was very dark for so long…but that light finally came back on,” she said.

Dugard is savoring her freedom and planning for the future.

“I would like to study writing, you know? Really, because I love words and I love mythology…the way metaphors work and how [you] can see things differently with words,” she said. “It helped me get through a lot of days, my imagination.”

Dugard wants her book, her story to help people realize there is a way to triumph over tragedy and survive. And for her captors, both locked away in prison, she has a message.

“[You] can’t steal anything else,” she said.