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Look what I think

Tuesday, November 20, 2012 at 5:38PM
Lynchburg
http://maps.google.com?q=37.421406,-79.150517+(Lynchburg)

Came home from WellQuest. Mail came cable bill was distressing. Broke down crying. Immediately wanted to quit living. Remembered giving 3 bottles of pills up to be discarded that I had stock pile just few days ago and now regretted it. Then cried more. Calmed back down realized nothing else I could. Felt defeated.

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Look what I think

Tuesday, November 20, 2012 at 10:19PM
Lynchburg
http://maps.google.com?q=37.420987,-79.149684+(Lynchburg)

Jane came about 7pm. Though I had composed myself from earlier incident in which I cried and wished I hadn’t given up my stock of medication which gave me a type of security blanket, I immediately felt myself beginning to crumble. I could feel my emotions coming and tried to hold back the tears but I began to cry as Jane tried to understand what was happening. The 3 hours were spent talking about my desire to end my life my feelings of inadequacy my inability to survive on the resources I have. My emotional distress surrounding my belief that I am not as deserving or loved as others. Jane comforted me trying to reassure me of her commitment, care, and willingness to support me. I told her how she gave up long ago on me. I feel though her words and the actions of her showing up here says she has not given up, she changed what she was doing which was working, helping, and instead lost interest in all that when she realized I was junk!

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Look what I think

Sunday, November 25, 2012 at 9:58PM
Lynchburg
http://maps.google.com?q=37.421369,-79.149791+(Lynchburg)

Thank you for caring. Thank you for staying in my life even when I don’t deserve you to. Thank you for your understanding. I know there’s times when you don’t but thank you for the effort you put into trying to understand. I am better with you in my life even when I feel hopeless. I am glad I have you in my life though I hate the way that I struggle to survive and get by at times atleast you are here by my side. Even when I feel alone you are here. I wish I knew you a few years before when I needed help to get my babies back. I know you would have helped me and not just let me fall as I sometimes do. I know you care even when I let the fear tell me you don’t you still are here. Thanks for all you do for my life and the efforts you give me. Thanks for showing me you really care and I am not just a job to you. Thanks for everything we go through and all we do. I love you. Take care!

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Look what I think

Tuesday, November 27, 2012 at 12:28AM
Lynchburg
http://maps.google.com?q=37.421431,-79.149441+(Lynchburg)

wonder the point. I wonder the purpose. Why do you bother? Why do I try? I wonder what is truth and what is lies. As things keep going and the more that’s said and done I continue to see more and more that I never knew. I never can understand you. Why do I feel hopeless? Everything I have been through for the last 30 months has all been for nothing. No true care. No honesty. False and inconsistent understanding. Now I am no longer sure there truly is a reason to continue. I have had my head fucked with and continuous invalidation of the truth. Continued harm and blind by a need to be loved. Blinded by fear and so I believed people really cared. Now I see no one truly does. I want to know why you like doing this? Why don’t you leave me be. Its obvious no one can truly see how much hurts inside me. None of you see your hurting me. None of you care . I don’t want to here. I am sorry I cannot be who or what anyone wants. I am sorry I am not worth it like others are and have been. I am sorry I trusted anyone and let them in. I am sorry. I wish I never let you in. I wish I never believed anything you have ever said. I wish it was easy for me to let you go since it seems so easy for you to screw with me and fuck with my head. I wish I stayed on guard and not been such a retard believing someone was not like the rest of them in the system. Why did I let you in? Why did you do this? Why didn’t you leave me be? What’s wrong with me? Why am I trash? Why hurt me? Do you think this is funny? Do you think me lying here crying and hurting is an accomplishment? Did you succeed at what you have set out to do? Is it your job to mess me up enough to not be eligible for services anymore cause no one there actually truly understands mental health and emotional issues instead they hide behind that claiming mental health support when in fact it is a company that only cares about physically helping not mentally and emotionally helping. Is it your duty to fuck me up to a point of not coming out of it so no one knows

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Look what I think

Tuesday, November 27, 2012 at 2:37AM
Lynchburg
http://maps.google.com?q=37.421200999999996,-79.1495+(Lynchburg)

There are times when you feel, nothing in your life is how you wished it could be and that others are at a better place than you. There are times when you want to be with someone but you can’t due to so many reasons. There are also times when everything around you moves so fast and drags you along even though you want to stand still doing absolutely nothing, thinking about your pain and problems. The only truth to all this sorrow in life is that, no matter how much people around you say they understand, they can’t! Because you’re the only one who knows those feelings, the pain, the loss, the emptiness and those unfulfilled wishes, which fill your mind. Even though you talk your heart out to someone, until you find an answer to all those.

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Look what I think

Sunday, December 2, 2012 at 7:49PM
Lynchburg
http://maps.google.com?q=37.421354,-79.149688+(Lynchburg)

Thank you! I really have had a great weekend minus the obsessive eating and the screwing up my quitting smoking. Now I start over at day one or am supposed to say what you said stating I have had only 3 cigarettes in 24 days? I enjoyed the show yesterday and hearing people ask questions and getting answers. I enjoyed the normalcy surrounding that. I appreciate your willingness to do the things we did this weekend. I think we have had a nice week. I have kept most of my thoughts contained and managed to be able to leave things where they are in my head or in unsent emails. I have felt good most of the week and when I haven’t I have left you alone and not bothered you with it. I have been able to separate my feelings and thoughts allowing them to stay within mostly. I have censored myself from bringing up negativity when talking with you even when I have thought about stuff. Instead of bringing it up with you I have mainly left it be in my head and decided talking about it is not best and kept my mouth shut.

I didn’t expect things to go as they have this week and I wonder why? I wonder how? How is it things were good and calm? Why are things different and what’s the reason? Its hard when things are different and change as it creates fear for me. Its hard to understand maybe but when its not as expected its hard. Its those times that my mind wanders and debates on much. Its my fear that continues hurting me and that I try to contain. Its different than it was. I wish I knew what’s happening or about to happen! What is it I don’t know thats happening and why?

Its important to me to know what’s ahead. Its almost a need for me to know what to expect and when I expected things to be okay or good and they are not it is hard. But when I expect things not to workout or happen and then it goes okay its hard to believe and trust. As it seems as almost always when bad things happen its because I trusted!

I hope you had good time also. I am sorry I let things begin to creep into the enjoyment at the end when things went through my head and I let the censor go. I am sorry I couldn’t just shut up as I have tried hard to do most of the week when my thoughts have been running. I care about you and you are special in my life. I really don’t want to lose you. I really appreciate having you in my life Jane, thank you!

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Look what I think

Wednesday, December 5, 2012 at 3:35AM
Lynchburg
http://maps.google.com?q=37.421242,-79.149592+(Lynchburg)

If you want me gone don’t pretend you don’t. If you think anything is going to change without help it won’t. Lying to yourself and me has only made everything worse. But in your blindness you cannot see truth. Instead you hide behind lies effecting other lives. If you want to say goodbye just say it. Don’t let your fear continue the pretend care. Its only prolonging the intended goal. As you keep damaging my sole.

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Look what I think

Wednesday, December 5, 2012 at 4:04AM
Lynchburg
http://maps.google.com?q=37.421181,-79.14961699999999+(Lynchburg)

Care is wholistic not simplistic! If my life was simplistic I would have no dreams to desire. I would be content with being stuck. I would be okay with getting fatter. Nothing would matter. I would let go and stop this fight. I would give up life. I am weak. The end I will soon seek! I hold on tight with left of my might. But soon I want to go. I don’t need a home. I will build around me a dome. It will be unbreakable think i am incapable. I will block you out. Like you care that I doubt. I was made a fool believing in you trusting you care. I should have listened to my fear!

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Look what I think

Wednesday, December 5, 2012 at 5:08AM
Lynchburg
http://maps.google.com?q=37.421191,-79.149453+(Lynchburg)

The fear does not disappear just because a few days you pretend you care. I cope better with it some days does that mean there may be hope? I cannot find a way out with so much doubt. Would like to escape this dooming fate. Is it that you believe I don’t try and all I do is cry? Silently you wish me gone thinking it would be better but it really wouldn’t matter. Pretend you are deaf dumb or blind but don’t let me lose my mind. Let me fall don’t answer the call. Ignore me and what I need how come you don’t see my pain you won’t help me what do you gain does it feel good when you try knowing you can make me cry does it make it better making me believe I never will matter I hate feel like this inside I would rather die then sit here and cry all the time everything is not fine

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