Sunday, December 2, 2012 at 7:49PM
Thank you! I really have had a great weekend minus the obsessive eating and the screwing up my quitting smoking. Now I start over at day one or am supposed to say what you said stating I have had only 3 cigarettes in 24 days? I enjoyed the show yesterday and hearing people ask questions and getting answers. I enjoyed the normalcy surrounding that. I appreciate your willingness to do the things we did this weekend. I think we have had a nice week. I have kept most of my thoughts contained and managed to be able to leave things where they are in my head or in unsent emails. I have felt good most of the week and when I haven’t I have left you alone and not bothered you with it. I have been able to separate my feelings and thoughts allowing them to stay within mostly. I have censored myself from bringing up negativity when talking with you even when I have thought about stuff. Instead of bringing it up with you I have mainly left it be in my head and decided talking about it is not best and kept my mouth shut.
I didn’t expect things to go as they have this week and I wonder why? I wonder how? How is it things were good and calm? Why are things different and what’s the reason? Its hard when things are different and change as it creates fear for me. Its hard to understand maybe but when its not as expected its hard. Its those times that my mind wanders and debates on much. Its my fear that continues hurting me and that I try to contain. Its different than it was. I wish I knew what’s happening or about to happen! What is it I don’t know thats happening and why?
Its important to me to know what’s ahead. Its almost a need for me to know what to expect and when I expected things to be okay or good and they are not it is hard. But when I expect things not to workout or happen and then it goes okay its hard to believe and trust. As it seems as almost always when bad things happen its because I trusted!
I hope you had good time also. I am sorry I let things begin to creep into the enjoyment at the end when things went through my head and I let the censor go. I am sorry I couldn’t just shut up as I have tried hard to do most of the week when my thoughts have been running. I care about you and you are special in my life. I really don’t want to lose you. I really appreciate having you in my life Jane, thank you!
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