march 30 2006

poetry my ex husband wrote

missing my shining light
as the darkness covers us as the moonlight peaks thru the darkness i close my eyes and see my shining lights my children
they are to my the flame of my heart as a flame is to a candle and at this moment in time my heart burns like a seven
day candle brighter and stronger as my childern are away from me.sometimes my mind drifts away at the thought my children
and how they lifted the clouds from my gloomy days .each of them daniel my twin in looks autumn my little movie partner
who can sing shine your light on me ,dakaota my little partner in crime and my baby winter rose who i miss so much!my
children are to me like fenway park is to the redsox they and i go hand and hand.each and every week they are the sliver
lining in our gloomy days !they may be gone at the moment but they will never always be gone and will remain with me
and my love for them shines brighter and stronger each day we are away from each other.thru out my days i hear and see
things that remind me of them when i see a redsox logo i think of jason varitek and how he is dans buddy!when i see
a fire truck i think of autumn and how are favorite movie together is ladder 49!when i see elmo i think of kota my
little man!when i cook ribs i think of my little girl eating them as she does with a cute bbq smile!as for my wife and
i we carry on in our tough time knowing our shining lights shine bright and long like a shooting star that only we can feel and see.
as for myself my children give my strength and courage just when i think darkness is settling in!the very thought of my
babies gives me the serenity to handle what comes and goes on a daily basis !so my dear children sleep sweet dreams as i
drift asleep thinking of you my shining lights!you are my light and and always be !and i promise you will be home as soon as
we can get you home!till then i will watch the midnight sky for my daimond light in the sky.
hello my son i miss you so very much !everyday i think of my son!yes you my little boy who looks just like his dad!
someday you and i will laugh and talk and you will ask me lots of things 1as i watch you grow you amaze me with your
candor and resemblence to me in so many ways!you are and always be my carbon copy blue eyes and blond hair!you are
so many things smart strong handsome and all the things that a dad like me would want when they think of a son like
you!and as you grow i wish so many things for you .i hope you keep your silly laugh like elmer fudd and you sense
of compassion when your mother is upset and you sense of loyality to your sisters and little brother.someday when
you are older we will laugh about youre younger days and how daddys memories of you are funny just like the day they
happened .you are so many things to me can seem to come up with all them right know !someday you will come to me
and say dad what should i do and i can only say i will try to give you the best advice i know and way the pro’s
and cons of life you see.but thru it all i hope you remember one thing that you will see with your eyes and heart
as you get older and see the world and your life in your own eyes!someday i will be an old man and you will be where
i am as i write this to you.but always remember i love you and will always will and be there for you anytime any place
just as the song i heard shortly after holding you waiting will my arms wide open!
where does a father begin to describe a daughter like my “jelly belly”.you are beautful and smart silly and full
of are the wind that keeps my sails are youre mothers twin and when you smile i see you in
your mothers are my little drama queen who will be the star of the show when she puts her mind to achieve
something that you set out to do!you will always be one of daddys little girls !when god above gave me you two
girls he gave me the best gift a man could have two little girls to spoil and are like youre name mysterious
and beautful as autumn sun rise and as precious as a twight sky filled with pinks and reds and breath taking for the
world to see!you are a daimond in the rough you see and will be a remarable lady for the world to see!but remember
when you get older that i will always be here for you no matter what and that i will always here you sing shine your
light on me!and every time we see a fire engine or firefighter you always look and say daddy there goes the fire man
daddy that’s my buddy!and sometimes i hope you will be the best at what you do i know you will chase youre dream till
you catch your dream and fullfill it!till then jelly you just do one thing for me go on being daddys jell bell with
your smile and amazing blue eyes and silly smile for the whole world to see!
like the infamous “rubber duck “you came to us like a convoy on the rails steaming for the line is how you
came to your mother and i .you are quite a little man smart kind always smiling and happy !i think of you
alot like the times you and i shared the couch and you layed in the crease of my arm and the thought of you
running to me with your hands out daddy!and playing with you as you drive the little white jeep.and how
you laugh as i tickle your belly !or when i carry you in my arms and you talk to me and laugh!i smile
when i think of seeing you on your tricycle and seeing you running and laughing while daddy chases you!
and when daddy gets sad i see the picture of you and i my big daddy kota!or seeing you in the tub laughing as
i watch you play and never wanting to get out!or seeing you say daddy cup when you get ready to fall asleep
in my arms as i rock you away to your sweet dreams!or blowing kisses to you my little man who loves to sit
with daddy and say hot daddy as i blow on your hand .or the thought of tickiling you with my beard and hearing
you laugh or hearing you say want some as i eat!i seem to be getting sad thinking of your little hands waking
me up and saying daddy!you will always be my main man kota!
as the moon glows from the midnight sky my thoughts of you sleeping are not to far away from my heart and my mind
you see!you are my baby and i wish so many things for you as you grow and become mean so many things to
me!you are my angel a gift from god who gives me hope and strength and courage!you are like youre name beautful
as winters first snow fall and as precious as the springs first rose vibrant and full of life and like a eagle
in flight for the world to see.someday you will look at me and say daddy look at me and when the moment comes
for you to spread your wings and fly i will shaed a tear knowing it will be happy tears seeing you suceed in
what ever you do!you are a very special little girl daddys gift from god!i will be sitting with you and remind
you how you climbed on the couch one night as an infant and grabbed my face saying da!but when you get older
and acomplish what you set out to do be the very best you can be and remember you will always be daddys little
girl and live life head on with no fears and with the strength and courage you showed me when you were a little
girl!but most of all never forget your mother and i will always love you where ever you go or what ever you dream
to be the sky is the limit and nothing but the very best will do for my little rose as she grows into the woman
she will be.and when the day comes and i walk you down the isle to see you get married i will shed a few tears
knowing where you and i came from to get to that place and cry only happy tears and thoughts for you to see!
thoughts of those i have lost
somedays are better than others and we all know that!sometimes we all lose someone special and it hurts for a while
and the constant missing of you all that i have lost sometimes bothers me to no end.sometimes i feel cheated when
i think of when you went to see the keeper of the stars!i wish sometimes i could have just five more minutes with
you to talk and to watch you see my children and see and hear you give me hell!i sometimes think i was robbed a few
precious months i sometimes wish you would have held on for a few more months to see a mini me!you always told me that
you wouldnt live to see another century but you did and as faith would have it as you checked out i was being coy
and stupid not thinking that my last words to you would be over the telephone something i wish i could have taken back
and come to see you more in your last few weeks instaed of being a horny toad.but all and all we had a good run from
the times when i was growing up and driving you crazy!from eating your strawberries in your patch when you forbid it!
to climbing the trelis and hearing you yell and saying iam will get you young the thought of holding your
hand as i looked at the chief as he lay in state.not afraid of holding his hand and not knowing why but that he was
a great man who had his faults but in the end overcame them to see and be with his family.i still remember that last
call when you made me make you a promise not to keep my kids from my so called mother and you said young man what
ever will be will be about me but promise me you will let her see them for me and i reluctenly said yes and lived up to
the promise only to see it make us further apart.but i still think of you often and wish you could be here now with me
in my time of need .but as they say ashes to ashes dust to dust in the end you are up there with the chief and sometimes
i feel you with me !just a few thoughts to ponder for myself you see!
winter winds
as the winter chill is in the air i can feel a winter wind thru my bones on this moonlit evening.sometimes i think life
is like a winter sometimes the winds are fast and forceful sometimes the winter winds are calm at night!as for this
moment in time i feel as if my life is like a cyclone wind force at times and other times it is like a calming wind
on a spring day chilly yet warm enough to take the chill out of my bones.winter winds are the like the end of winter
like clouds off in the distance they move quick and roll out quick.but like life winds change direction and i hope
for sanitys sake that my winter winds will calm down and become warm stable winds as my life should be for my childrens sake.
gone are turblulant days of my wife and i fighting one another like prized fighters here are the days we should be rejoycing
one anothers company as we have a common goal to bring our children and raise them like we planned in the mid atlantic
city we now live in.
five years
as i sit and write the thought of my wife and i’s fifth wedding anniversary comes to mind it has been one hell of a
ride .we have had are ups kids etc..and downs our seperation etc..but i do belive we were meant to be and in the end we will
be allright.i belive god has given us more strength than others to overcome what we have in our past and more strength in
our future.sometimes as i drift to sleep i have so many thoughts racing around my mind.sometimes i realize my wife feels
as if she is one of the many angles floating in my mind and my sometimes life that can sometimes resemble a storm at sea.
but when it comes down to it you are and will always be the love in my heart and soul even thou i dont sometimes admit it!
in first two were rough second rougher and hopefully the next few will get eaiser .sometimes when i am sleeping and caught
in my memories of choas i wake to see you next to me and realizing you are there does more than you will ever know.but most
of all iam proud of you and where we have come in five years and may we grow old and may our marriage age like a fine
wine and may me realize that you with out me or visa versa we made like that song we made it so far and in another five will have a decade
together and in the end our love rmains strong and true.
sometimes i see you sometimes i dont but you are always on my mind.somtimes we laugh sometimes we argue but thru it all you are my
wife keeper of our lives and children.sometimes i dont give you credit and sometimes i do silently,when you need to here the
little words thanks or good job.i sometimes forget that you are very senstive and yurn for my attention and thoughts but
truthfully you are in ways you are unware of.true we have had ups and downs like a roller coaster but in the end we still
are here together.but i do worry about you very much and unable to show you the way you arent crazt like i tease you.
but we will prevail and get our babys back home and go on in our crazy thing we share called life.
my tiger
when i think of my oldest son he is truly my eye of the tiger in life.he is strong and iron willed and shows me every
day that he is a tiger in the jungle we call life.only five years old he demonstrates courage and a fire within that i used
to have when i thought of my father who i havent seen in many moons.he has the strength of a hundred warriors within him
and i hope and pray i can teach him how to harness that power.he can be anything if he lets the fire burn within him and
drive him to suceed in life.i have until this very early morning have misunderstood him when i should have realized the
fire that burns within him.he has more guts that david when he faced golaith and more heart than a grizzly bear.his
loyality his one of his strongest points yet his knowledge of trust is limited like his mother and mine.he is our little
warrior and will be as brave as his scottish ancestors fighting for freedom.his passion is unkown at this very moment
but when he discovers it will be pure and true.thats why you will forver be my eye of the tiger!
a letter to my dad
hello stranger i write this knowing we may never meet but hope someday i will be wrong and this will be a letter you never got.
it has been what twenty something years since you last seen me .as i grew into what ihave become a father myself i swore
i never would let what happen to me to my children .but your ghost haunts me as i look in the mirror and at my son.he
has the curse of you like i do the look of maf .i sometimes wonder if the sun will ever shine on you and i in the same place in my lifetime.
its as if i am running against a ghost when i think of you.i wish things between you and my mother would have been alot different but be
it as it may i found your family and spent time with your mother and father and know what my mother ment when she said look in the mirror
and you will see what your father looked like.know i see you in my sons eyes and face like myself and it scares me that he
and i look like a ghost.i have and always wonder who you are and what you look my friend you are like an old friend awaiting me in the dark
but someday soon we will resolve this matter but for know i will hope if you exist you are in health and spirts and hope
for a resoultion sometime soon.

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may 18 2008

i am in a trauma recovery group and we are into the difficult part of the group where we are working on our abuse issues and i have not been doing my health work because i have not wanted to rehash this shit lately but i guess i really need to deal with some of it other wise i will just have wasted my time and everyone elses time in this group and not really gotten anywhere by doing the group and not working on me. last week was to write our life story on our physical abuse we endured in our life and i didnt do it but i will try to start with what i am supposed to be doing this week and go back and do that another time…well here goes i guess……………………………………………………………………………………………….. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

It started when i was young not to sure of what age really but i do know that what i have been told is i was around 4 years old. My fathers brother david molested me and my brother…i was around 6 years old when my brother told otherwse i am sure it would have continued since he molested many of my cousins even his own children, my mother when she was a teenager even after she was with my father…she had me when she was 16 and he had been molesting her before she had me and after so i really dont understand why she would leave me and my brother alone with him knowing what he did…there is not much of it i remeber from back then but there are very slight pieces of things i remeber like his face and him giving me change after he did what he did…he would have me rub him in his genital area and he put his penis in my mouth…there are times when i see him standing over me and it seems like it is happening only it isnt…i never remebered any details of what happened until the past year and half when i guess after finding out my daughter was molested by my husband bits and pieces of this started occuring and it has been difficult…it all stopped once my brother told and we were put into foster care not long after all that shit came out but i never talked about it and just didnt remember…then after i came home from residential when i was 11 almost 12 my mother had a boyfriend at some point that she wasnt with long and they broke up when he went back to his wife but we were living in bradford on south pleasant street and i had my own room and i believe it happened on 2 occasions where he came in there when he was drinking he would start to rub me between my legs…i could smell the alcohol on his breathe and he would tell me how much i looked like my mom…i dont really think that affected me much because it wasnt a major event in my life it was very brief and i dont feel it had an impact on me…when i was 12 my mother was dating my fathers brother stephan…It was a saturday afternoon and my mother was at work. i was laying on her bed in her bedroom which at the time was the room next to mine.we were living on 11th ave…i was watching a movie and i am not sure where my 2 brothers were or my sister but stephan had come home early from work not really sure why. as i layed there he came and layed on the bed next to me which did not make me uncomfortable at that moment…when he began touching my breast area and slowly moved down to my genitals i became frozen…i knew what was going on was wrong i knew he shouldnt have been touching me but i was scared and nervious…for some reason i could not do anything or say anything to make him stop i was frozen for a moment and i remeber it actually felt okay he told me after he was done and i had jerked him off not to ever tell anyone or he would get into trouble and he asked me if i wanted to get him into trouble and i said no he then made me promise i wasnt going to tell anyone and i promised not to. he then gave me cigarrettes and a 10 dollar bill…i remeber i had to tell my mother that i found the money while at the park on the next street over…so many times he gave me money after we did things it became like he was paying me to have sex with him but at the time i didnt realize that…he always reminded me to keep this our secret and never to tell anyone…he began to favor me over the other kids and when my mother would hit me he would protect me from her by saying something to her to get her to stop hurting me…i felt he cared and that he would protect me because i felt i was important to him and i mattered…there were many nights when my mother was working that he would come to my room and have sex with me and at times i remeber enjoying it…he always told me how pretty i was and he constantly talked through the sex and had me talk to him dirty during it and i did he would say for me to tell im what i wanted and i would tell him fuck me or harder and i was just a fucked up teenager learning all this shit from porn movies he would watch with me or from him a 42 year old man…then i got pregnant with my sone at the age of 14 until corey was born i was so scared after finding out i was pregnant and thinking people were now going to find out and he just kept telling me not to say anything or the baby would be taken from me and he continued this but my son wasnt his…i had had sex with a guy that lived with my father a few times and i also had sex with several other men who i didnt know i would go to parks and watch men that were alone…i would make sexual gestures and expressions to them to seduce them i had become a whore by the age of 14…then my son was born and the sex neevr stopped between stephan and i even after i was tried killing myself when my son was 6 weeks old…i was put into the hospital and then into a residential in rowley where i would get passes to go home and he would pick me up and drive me home or drive me back and he would stop somewhere on the way and i would suck his dick or we would have sex and i still felt like he cared and that even though it shouldnt be happening i continued to do it…then there were the times i was in the psychiatric hospital when he would have sex with me on the way back to the hospital from pass which is the last time anything happened with him when i finally told someone at the mcleans hospital after cutting myself when getting back…we had pulled over into a the dark corner of a hotel parking lot on the way back to the hospital and we had sex and then he dropped me off…there were many nights in those 4 years that even when i didnmt want it he pressured me into doing something with him but it also became like just a part of myy life…my mother went to work and i fucked her boyfriend…there were the times when he came into the shower while i was showering and so many times i just dont remember…there are so much in my life at that time that most of those 4 years i dont remember…even when i had sex with my mothers friends husband it was like i couldnt say no i would just do it to get it over with because he wanted it…i dont remeber a whole lot about details but i do remeber some and i guess this is just the beginnign of it because there is just so much that happened and i times i dont remeber anything then other times i remeber more but right now i just feel like blocked and cant remember a whole lot more than this

may 12 2008

today has been a very productive day i believe it started out this morning getting something faxed that needed to be faxed for a housing application i was having my mother put in for me. then i met with the local nes station and did an interview about the treatment center closing that i utilize so much when i cant deal with sh*t happening in my life. then i went and got gas in the car went to my psychiatrist appointment which by time i got there i was wired and had a very hard time sitting still. from there i went to my relaxation group and group therapy where we had a going away party for someone that i have been friends with for along time who is moving to florida this weekend. after that i had to go get copies of court documents that prove that all mine and my husbands rights had been terminated in order for legal aid to proceed with my divorce filing. well i gave them copies which they took copies of and gave them back to me. I preceded to read them and when i did my mood just dropped instantly and i began to start thinking bout self harm whuich yesturday i just couldnt get it out of my head but i did not act on my urges to cut myself. well its weird because only a few times in my life have i self harmed by punching walls and breaking my bone in my hand well a few weeks ago i went through all thses obsessive thoughts about wanting to break my hand by smashing with a hammer. well a bit ago i found myself beginning to tap my hand with the hammer on top where the bones are closer to the surface but it wasnt enough i wanted to do it harder and i want to break my hand but i dont know why this is how i want to harm myself i just cant get the thinking and wanting to do it out of my head. why dont i just cut instead where i know that will help me become numb and emotionless. why do i feel the need to break my bone i have broken one bone in the other hand once and caused my hand to swell up several times as if it was broken but never has been since then but why now is this the way i am obsessing on hurting myself.i really want to but am trying not to do it .

march 30 2008

right now i am just confused out everythin whether i live for certain reasons or i am such a woose and thats why i continue to survive am i too chicken to follow through all the way and thats why i did it before i was supposed to because i knew there needed to be more than what i had to carry the whole plan through…am i afraid of succeeding whether that be at suicide or at something in life because no atter what i do i fail

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march 30 2008

i have figured it out the reason i continue to try is because of my fear of success and why have a fear of success i dunno maybe what people expect maybe my expectations maybe a whole lot of shit i cant figure out yet but there has to be a reason i contine to want to die and try but there also has to be a reason i continue to fail do i really want to die am i fearful of living in this fucked up worl much longer than i have i know i am afraid of myself and what i will do at times to myself even when someone else is the one i should be angry at i take it out on myself so i believe everything in my life revolves around fear and anger i dunno i am confused at what i need

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July 19 2008

essay needing to get done no more class
well i am all done my classes 4 this symester but i still had a quiz and an essay to complete…well i did the quiz today but am in no mood to do this essay…i just want to not do it…i know that i will still pass the class with like a c or d if i dont do it…but it is 20% of my grade and if i dont do it i will pass but if i do it i will get atleast a B but may get an A…although i want to get an A in the class what happens if i get a B…i dont want a B…i just want to be done with this class…next symester i am taking english 112 with the same teacher and what happens if he gets mad because i blew the last essay of english 111 off then he might not give me good grades next symester…next symester i am taking 5 classes 4 online and 1 at the college i know i need to learn to motivate with this online class shit because i procrastinate everything lately and have been very unmotivated i need to start managing my time and be able to be with myself and make myself do things even when i dont want to but i really feel like i cant right now…i think i need to go into the hospital soon because i am getting depressed and dont wanna do anything…i dunno anymore the essay is only 3-5 pages but really dont have an energy or motivation or want to do it

july 3 2008

trying to stay hopeful but feel hopeless
well i am trying to stay hopeful about a place i am going to look at this weekend on saturday…it is in the country sorta well really is but not like in the boonies miles and miles away from society and a friend of mine lives not too far away from it so i am really hoping to get it but on the other hand nothing in my life ever works out the way i hope it will and i am never lucky enough to get anything i want in life so i feel kinda hopeless about it…i feel it will be a very positive change in my life and i may be able to begin to live rather than just continuing to get by… i want to be able to get this place and set it up as my own and have a place where i feel safe secure and comfortable…i want to begin to get some peace and serenity in my life and i believe this is my opportunity to begin working on all this but i feel like nothing ever works out for me like i am destined to always be miserable and never have anything i want or hope for…i pray god have his will and if his will is for me to have this place then he will provide that will…i ask him for help in showing me the way to a better more productive positive and hopeful life…i ask him to change my ways of viewing my experiences and the tribulations i have gone through and am still fighting to get through…lord i ask you to show me the way…i pray that he see my pain and help me find some light rather than always seeing dark and feeling hopeless…i thank god for allowing me to still have one child i can see in my life and not taking them all from me…i thank him for proving me with some shelter over my head where i can sleep at night and not be afraid of being hurt by another person in the community while i am asleep…i thank him for providing me with food to continue to live because some people in the world have not had food for days…i thank him for putting people in my life that understand and have hope for me even when i dont and i thank him for the people he has allowed in my life that need help even though i am not strong enough myself to provide them with the help they need but in due time i maybe strong enough with gods help to help them…amen…..this my prayer and i know i may not be good at praying all the time of in the prescence of others but i do prayer and need to start believing and prayer more…i hope everone has a blessed day and that they are able to be provided for in there time of need.

june 26 2008

whats happening how i am feeling what i am thinking
well today i feel so blah…just not with it and anious…i am nauseated and have a headache…been thinking bought cutting and also wondering why i didnt go through with my suicide plan that i so carefully planned for months and spent so much time and energy thinking about…i just wanted everythin g to be over with and then a few days before i decided to put it on hold…for what…why…what is the point of just prolonging the inevitable…my death…today i am feeling very hopeless and have really no energy…i should be starting to work on my first essay for class that the rough draft is due tuesday june 8th and i have no motivation whats so ever to even think about doing it and to even choose a topic…i had a topic in mind for a few days now…but not sur i want to use that topic for this essay since this is a debate essay and i cant put my opinion into it has to be about why people or for and against a topic…i am not sure i want to write about why people are against assisted suicide or self deliverance…i want to write about why people are for it but i am not sure i can be neutral with this topic at this time in my life…i really just wish i could forget about doing this essay…i really think i need to be in the psychiatric hospital right now…but i also have my mother and son arriving in the morning on greyhound and was supposed to meet them there but now i have an appointment with an agency for a mental health support worker…i already talked to my mother and told her i wouldnt be there to meet them so we will have to meet somewhere later in the day…my brother will be picking them up there anyways and they are staying at his house…my mom will be leaving monday to go back to massachusettes and my son will be staying here for the summer…but he already is giving me his attitude and the cold shoulder and he hasnt even arrived here yet or left there yet…he will be staying at my brothers house for the summer and not going back to august but i dunno not sure i even want to deal with him at this time…he really doesnt want to bother with me he is only com ing down here to spend the summer with my brother and visit his friend not to see me and he told me that this morning on the phone…most of the time he only wants something to do with me if i have money can buy him stuff take him somewhere of let him sit on the computer or a video game the whole time he is with me…he doesnt actually like to talk to me or enjoy my com pany and have fun together unless it involves money and that hurts because right now i cant afford to give him everything he wants or spend money on taking him places…i need to be finding a place to live and saving all my money i can for a place to go…i wont be able to stay at the shelter for much longer if i even get to stay after next week because my 30 days is up come monday june 30th and sometimes they let u stay longer but havent said anything to me about wether they are going to allow that or not…i am hoping i dont get a notice a day or 2 before they want me to leave because i will stuck with nowhere to go

June 25 2009

realization and peace within
Somethings changed and I am not really sure how or why or when this happened. I am not sure I can even pinpoint the change but I know it is there for now and not sure whether it is good, bad, or indifferent.
I do not have the energy to figure out what has changed but I know that I have thought about cutting just to prove to myself it has not. Yes cutting has crossed my mind but lately it feels more like it is not the answer to anything anymore. Lately I feel like life is so unpredictable but yet appears somewhat predictable. It appears life is more than it really is and people make it out to be an important thing when really it is nothing more nothing less. I have felt somewhat as nothing really is what I have always felt it was. Things happen and I feel it but yet can not escape it anymore then I wanna run and hide.
I have thought about suicide and really am not sure how I feel about it lately although it seems definitive and an end to a lot of pain and suffering. I guess it just has not really been the option I have been looking for and seems to just be my way of escaping what I have or have nto been going through in these almost 30 years of life. I am not quite sure is what I so desire anymore but I am not sure I desire or want anything that I used to. Committing suicide takes a lot of energy to finally commit to and go through with. It takes a build up of courage which I can not achieve.
This it ran through my head several times about needing hospitalization, needing medication, needing more than what I have been doing in life. If I ever really want to get somewhere and where I want to get I am not sure but I may need more than this. I do not know what I need or what I want. I amk not sure about much lately except the feel of fakeness. People do not understand I am not normal. They do not understand I can play the part ofr just so long before I can not do that anymore. No one really sees or understands that I am not who I make myself seem like. But then who am and how am I supposed to be.
Lately there has been a lot of change within me but yet I am not sure how. I know some of it has been my realizing I want to cut but just not doing it because it is not going to work for what I want to erase. I also have realized that I use the talk of killing myself and dying as an escape from whatever I am facing or feeling inorder to avoid what is reality or not. I am not even sure the energy I put into attempting suicide has ever really been there as if it was I would have already achieved it. I am beginning to realize there is somesort of peace within me that is there asnd no matter how much people try to break through it it stays lately.
I can not be in a relationship as I can not be with myself. Relationships are commitment sthat I can nto make. I can not make the commitment to someone else that I can not make to myself. I can not continue struggling to be what I think is expected of me or that I believe others want me to be. I can not be a mom. I can nto be a girlfriend,. I can not be a neighbor. And I sure can not be a friend. As I try to play these roles I find I only hurt the people on the other side of the relationship more than I am hurting and I do not want that. I do not like to or want to hurt anyone. I am not sure I really want to hurt myself anymore. But I also am not sure what else to do so what have I been doing popping whatever pills I can and sleeping. Hoping the answer will be there when I wake up. Bbut it has not come to me yet.
I was up all night crying and wanting to escape as at times it was hard to breathe trying to talk through the confusion and make someone understand they do not want to be with me as I have too many issues. Alls it did was make me more confused as they claim they will be here through whatever and they need me right now as they are having difficulties. I try to explain the complication of myself to him trying to get him to see the difficulties I have in relationships and life. But he is blinded it is as if a lot of people are blinded and all I do is hurt them. I do not want to hurt others. I do not want to be hurt. But yet I am drawn into and live in a world that thrives on hurt. The world is nothing more than a big revolving place to be hurt. It thrives on people suffering and I am not sure that is what I want anymore. I am not sure I want much anymore. I just want to keep the peace whether that means I stop breathing and no longer exist or whether that means something more I am not sure. I am just allowing myself as confused and conflicted as I am to be with it and experience it right now. I am not sure the peace is not numbing but it is acceptable for me right now.

june 12 2009

Seems my therapist is giving p and letting go do not think sshe wants to see me anymore
So it is that simple I guess. Not quite sure it really is as simple as you just made it. I feel so hopeless right now. There is nothing left to fight for. Nothing to keep going. The drive home felt like forever trying to hold the tears in. I guess reality is hitting. I see the fight is gone there is nothing really worth holding onto. No one is really reliable. I see how simple is for people to just walk away and let go of. Why is it that people can let go of me so easily but yet I have such a hard time letting go of people places or things. Have you decided I am not worth it no more. I know things are just difficult and I am not really doing anything but I told you that 2 years ago. You are just now confirming that. Are you giving up? I gave up a long time ago. I knew there was never a chance. There never has been a chance. Why now? What did I do this time rather than all the other times when I wanted you to give up and see things were never going to get any better. I guess this is it. I guess its up to me now. Not sure I am strong enough to make it through but do u you really think that I ever believed that anyone really ever cared and was going to fight for me? NO, I never could really trust or believe any of you. I never said you had to do case management that was something you took on. Yes you could have let go a few months back when I was not seeing Pam but that was a decision you made or the agency made or whatever. I am not sure. Why now throw it back in my face. Okay so maybe I do not know all that is happening but neither do you. Yes it may seem I have control over so much but when things are happening it just feels I have no control. I know you say these things are up to me to control but I just CAN NOT control any of it. Yeah decisions are a struggle for me but yet it seems when I do make a decision it is never the right one. Even when it is a decision that is good for me it seems all it is chalked up to be in my mind is not what it really is. I sometimes really believe things will get better but it appears that is not ever going to happen. I can not do this on my own but yet it seems I am alone in this world. Sometimes when I am around others even doing some of the things I do I feel normal. I feel okay but inside I know this stuff is wrong but can not stop it. Just like when I was a teenager I knew the stuff should not be going on it was wrong but yet I felt trapped like there was nothing I could do about it. I did nothing about it. I just kept allowing it to happen and when it happened it felt like I mattered and someone really cared about me. Things in my life currently feel the same way. I hang out with people. Do things with them. Drugs, sexual stuff, codependency stuff and in the midst of it it seems okay. It seems there is really normalcy in my life but when I am alone by myself and I think about it and feel trapped in it. I know it is not the right things, I know its not having a life, I know it is not what “NORMAL” people do but yet its my destiny I guess. I feel so unable to really control it even though you say it is within my control. Sleeping forever seems so contentful but yet so scary so I am living some fantasy trying to live in a fucked up world, a fucked up life, trying to convince myself that NORMALCY is possible. I suppose what I am doing now is the most peace I will have within my life. This actually may be the most normal things have ever been for me. I am not sure maybe the life I am leading currently is normal! Yeah I am sleeping a lot. Yeah I am socializing. Even if that socialization costs me. What does it cost? Material things? Who cares? Money is not everything! Do I need it probably not. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs suggests basic needs food, water, and shelter as a foundation for all humans. I am not sure any of that is what is need for me to achieve the contentment I am seeking. I have food water, and shelter. I have more than that but still have no foundation My son is sleeping and was when I walked in the door. I feel so alone but yet he is here my dog is here and I have people in the neighborhood I could go see but yet I sit here writing this wondering why I even bother. I always believe there is something I am missing and try to seek it but yet can not figure out what it is. If I never know I am always seeking something that has no true way of helping me since it is not ever really missing. I never had a whole lot to begin with so really what is it that I am seeking or missing? I know a lot of this probably does not seem valid to you or anyone else but there is a void that no matter what I do never really fulfills anything. That void was there before my kids were born it was there as a child and now it is still here. Yeah my kids may have blocked it but I felt a void somewhat then. Not to the extent I feel it now but it was there. I never really do as well as I expect and anything I ever expect to work does not work. Anything I allow others to lead me towards that is supposed to work or help ends up not what I expected. If I always fail then why keep trying. If I do not try then I won’t fail. That also means that I will never succeed either. So it is a no win situation but also seems that trying has not helped either. I still fail and can not seem to succeed.