june 26 2008

whats happening how i am feeling what i am thinking
well today i feel so blah…just not with it and anious…i am nauseated and have a headache…been thinking bought cutting and also wondering why i didnt go through with my suicide plan that i so carefully planned for months and spent so much time and energy thinking about…i just wanted everythin g to be over with and then a few days before i decided to put it on hold…for what…why…what is the point of just prolonging the inevitable…my death…today i am feeling very hopeless and have really no energy…i should be starting to work on my first essay for class that the rough draft is due tuesday june 8th and i have no motivation whats so ever to even think about doing it and to even choose a topic…i had a topic in mind for a few days now…but not sur i want to use that topic for this essay since this is a debate essay and i cant put my opinion into it has to be about why people or for and against a topic…i am not sure i want to write about why people are against assisted suicide or self deliverance…i want to write about why people are for it but i am not sure i can be neutral with this topic at this time in my life…i really just wish i could forget about doing this essay…i really think i need to be in the psychiatric hospital right now…but i also have my mother and son arriving in the morning on greyhound and was supposed to meet them there but now i have an appointment with an agency for a mental health support worker…i already talked to my mother and told her i wouldnt be there to meet them so we will have to meet somewhere later in the day…my brother will be picking them up there anyways and they are staying at his house…my mom will be leaving monday to go back to massachusettes and my son will be staying here for the summer…but he already is giving me his attitude and the cold shoulder and he hasnt even arrived here yet or left there yet…he will be staying at my brothers house for the summer and not going back to august but i dunno not sure i even want to deal with him at this time…he really doesnt want to bother with me he is only com ing down here to spend the summer with my brother and visit his friend not to see me and he told me that this morning on the phone…most of the time he only wants something to do with me if i have money can buy him stuff take him somewhere of let him sit on the computer or a video game the whole time he is with me…he doesnt actually like to talk to me or enjoy my com pany and have fun together unless it involves money and that hurts because right now i cant afford to give him everything he wants or spend money on taking him places…i need to be finding a place to live and saving all my money i can for a place to go…i wont be able to stay at the shelter for much longer if i even get to stay after next week because my 30 days is up come monday june 30th and sometimes they let u stay longer but havent said anything to me about wether they are going to allow that or not…i am hoping i dont get a notice a day or 2 before they want me to leave because i will stuck with nowhere to go

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