may 18 2008

i am in a trauma recovery group and we are into the difficult part of the group where we are working on our abuse issues and i have not been doing my health work because i have not wanted to rehash this shit lately but i guess i really need to deal with some of it other wise i will just have wasted my time and everyone elses time in this group and not really gotten anywhere by doing the group and not working on me. last week was to write our life story on our physical abuse we endured in our life and i didnt do it but i will try to start with what i am supposed to be doing this week and go back and do that another time…well here goes i guess……………………………………………………………………………………………….. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

It started when i was young not to sure of what age really but i do know that what i have been told is i was around 4 years old. My fathers brother david molested me and my brother…i was around 6 years old when my brother told otherwse i am sure it would have continued since he molested many of my cousins even his own children, my mother when she was a teenager even after she was with my father…she had me when she was 16 and he had been molesting her before she had me and after so i really dont understand why she would leave me and my brother alone with him knowing what he did…there is not much of it i remeber from back then but there are very slight pieces of things i remeber like his face and him giving me change after he did what he did…he would have me rub him in his genital area and he put his penis in my mouth…there are times when i see him standing over me and it seems like it is happening only it isnt…i never remebered any details of what happened until the past year and half when i guess after finding out my daughter was molested by my husband bits and pieces of this started occuring and it has been difficult…it all stopped once my brother told and we were put into foster care not long after all that shit came out but i never talked about it and just didnt remember…then after i came home from residential when i was 11 almost 12 my mother had a boyfriend at some point that she wasnt with long and they broke up when he went back to his wife but we were living in bradford on south pleasant street and i had my own room and i believe it happened on 2 occasions where he came in there when he was drinking he would start to rub me between my legs…i could smell the alcohol on his breathe and he would tell me how much i looked like my mom…i dont really think that affected me much because it wasnt a major event in my life it was very brief and i dont feel it had an impact on me…when i was 12 my mother was dating my fathers brother stephan…It was a saturday afternoon and my mother was at work. i was laying on her bed in her bedroom which at the time was the room next to mine.we were living on 11th ave…i was watching a movie and i am not sure where my 2 brothers were or my sister but stephan had come home early from work not really sure why. as i layed there he came and layed on the bed next to me which did not make me uncomfortable at that moment…when he began touching my breast area and slowly moved down to my genitals i became frozen…i knew what was going on was wrong i knew he shouldnt have been touching me but i was scared and nervious…for some reason i could not do anything or say anything to make him stop i was frozen for a moment and i remeber it actually felt okay he told me after he was done and i had jerked him off not to ever tell anyone or he would get into trouble and he asked me if i wanted to get him into trouble and i said no he then made me promise i wasnt going to tell anyone and i promised not to. he then gave me cigarrettes and a 10 dollar bill…i remeber i had to tell my mother that i found the money while at the park on the next street over…so many times he gave me money after we did things it became like he was paying me to have sex with him but at the time i didnt realize that…he always reminded me to keep this our secret and never to tell anyone…he began to favor me over the other kids and when my mother would hit me he would protect me from her by saying something to her to get her to stop hurting me…i felt he cared and that he would protect me because i felt i was important to him and i mattered…there were many nights when my mother was working that he would come to my room and have sex with me and at times i remeber enjoying it…he always told me how pretty i was and he constantly talked through the sex and had me talk to him dirty during it and i did he would say for me to tell im what i wanted and i would tell him fuck me or harder and i was just a fucked up teenager learning all this shit from porn movies he would watch with me or from him a 42 year old man…then i got pregnant with my sone at the age of 14 until corey was born i was so scared after finding out i was pregnant and thinking people were now going to find out and he just kept telling me not to say anything or the baby would be taken from me and he continued this but my son wasnt his…i had had sex with a guy that lived with my father a few times and i also had sex with several other men who i didnt know i would go to parks and watch men that were alone…i would make sexual gestures and expressions to them to seduce them i had become a whore by the age of 14…then my son was born and the sex neevr stopped between stephan and i even after i was tried killing myself when my son was 6 weeks old…i was put into the hospital and then into a residential in rowley where i would get passes to go home and he would pick me up and drive me home or drive me back and he would stop somewhere on the way and i would suck his dick or we would have sex and i still felt like he cared and that even though it shouldnt be happening i continued to do it…then there were the times i was in the psychiatric hospital when he would have sex with me on the way back to the hospital from pass which is the last time anything happened with him when i finally told someone at the mcleans hospital after cutting myself when getting back…we had pulled over into a the dark corner of a hotel parking lot on the way back to the hospital and we had sex and then he dropped me off…there were many nights in those 4 years that even when i didnmt want it he pressured me into doing something with him but it also became like just a part of myy life…my mother went to work and i fucked her boyfriend…there were the times when he came into the shower while i was showering and so many times i just dont remember…there are so much in my life at that time that most of those 4 years i dont remember…even when i had sex with my mothers friends husband it was like i couldnt say no i would just do it to get it over with because he wanted it…i dont remeber a whole lot about details but i do remeber some and i guess this is just the beginnign of it because there is just so much that happened and i times i dont remeber anything then other times i remeber more but right now i just feel like blocked and cant remember a whole lot more than this


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