Its been a long time since I have written just to write

In life there are struggles and many ups and downs. My life has seemed to have more downs than ups but I still survived them. I will continue to survive life’s twists and turns as I venture through my life paths. I am not perfect and I make way more mistakes than I would like to admit. However, where I am currently in my life is far better than where I was just 5 years ago. I finally nerved up and moved from Virginia where I never believed I could because I wanted to be there when my kids come find me when they each turn of age when they are allowed to. I could not move out of emotional entrapment done to myself by my own mind. I finally worked through that and moved here to Upstate South Carolina about 8 months ago. I am not happy where I currently am though. I don’t know anyone here really and I have no friends. The so called family that is here has only made it harder for e to be happy here and want to stay. I thought moving here could help my mother realize I am her daughter, her oldest child, and I deserve better than the life she provided for me. Unfortunately because of my traumatic childhood in which she was part of creating I have PTSD and it has caused me more anxiety being around her and the narcisstic behaviors and things she says. Her own victimization when I try to address something creates animosity within the relationship and causes a complete attitude from her of shutting me out of her life like she did most my growing up. She never really had to take care of me when I was young. I was raised by a system from a very young age, though not young enough not to suffer from the effects of abuse. So when something happens I try to talk to her by text about it only for her to deny and invalidate my experience and then attack me. I get defensive and bring out the things she has done to harm me in my life and she feels she owes no apology, she was a young mother is her excuse, and she’s moved on and so she says I need to move on and forget all that. I cannot just forget. Much of my life is a mystery and blank to me because of the trauma I have just forgotten. But when triggered I experience emotional triggers and flashbacks more than actual flashbacks and triggers of the actual physical and sexual abuse. Anyway I was doing emotionally well and protected myself by not being around her and limiting my contact with siblings and other family that increased my triggered emotions until I moved here. Now I am stuck here for the remainder of the year until my lease ends and I can move elsewhere. I however never wanted to move back to Massachusetts because I felt that was moving backwards in life. now I want to go back to Virginia because the last 8 months I lived there I met some awesome people and created great support system and friendships I dont want to lose. I also really wanted to move to the beach which in Virginia is 3 hours or more away from my friends and I still would be lost there like I have been here in SC without friendship and supports. In Massachusetts I have friends too friends I have had for years even though I left there 11 years ago, I was raised there and know lots of people and could have support there too. There I would be closer to the beach or even could look for a place at the beach. I could also just start over in a completely whole new state on a beach and hope to get a group of awesome friends like I have in Virginia that are accepting, friendly, care, loving, and very supportive. Though I have a lot of good about moving back to the area I moved friend in Virginia there is some bad. it puts me back in an area that’s close to siblings that are just like their mother and have many traits of their father manipulation, lies, no values, selfish, and narcissism. I would however be close to where I was when I lost my kids and would be near for them to find me. But with the internet nowadays they should be able to find me easily since I keep an online presence everywhere I go. Also I like gardening and want to go somewhere and be able to garden still. I have thought about staying in SC and just moving to the beach which is atleast 3-4 miles away currently from where I am and that will give me the independence and space away from those that live here I want away from. I have never been out west like the western shore board near the beaches there or down south like Florida beaches either. Those could be options I look into to. But right now I am very unsure and confused on what to do and where to go from here. Anyone have any suggestions or further information that could help in y decision I welcome your voices.

A FRIEND INDEED

 

A FRIEND INDEED.

A FRIEND INDEED

POSTED BY  ⋅ SEPTEMBER 8, 2012 ⋅ LEAVE A COMMENT
FILED UNDER  
 
Friendship that is more like family
We ain’t related by blood
We are related by love and bond that is friendship
A friend indeed
 
We might have arguments or difference in opinion
That doesn’t kill the love and bond that we share
We might not be in constant touch with each other
It doesn’t reduce the love and bond that we share
A friend Indeed
 
We might not agree with each others career choice
That doesn’t stop us from supporting each other
We might not be in favour of each other’s attitudes/behavior
That doesn’t mean we give up on each other
 We could be “products” of different societal class
It doesn’t change the love and support for each other
We could be of different religious persuasions
It doesn’t change the love for each other
A friend Indeed
 
A friend Indeed
That’s what everyone in the word needs                                                                                                                    
I’m glad to have “ a friend indeed” in you 
You are a friend Indeed
 
By Gameli Hamelo.

 

My Friend Is Sinking., Addiction Poems about Friends

My Friend Is Sinking., Addiction Poems about Friends

My Friend Is Sinking

© Danielle Lollis
Sitting here unaccompanied, concerned and not knowing what to do.
Should I attempt to save you, what have I got to prove?
I’ve already waded my way through a life packed with addicts.
Can I live through one more? Through all the pain you inflict?
Lives have been lost. People I loved, trusted, and admired.
All lost in addictions, what all has transpired?
You forget your friends, and family that care.
All you care about is drinking and dancing while flipping you hair.
When you see video of you drunk you think it’s funny and laugh with glee.
All the while the rest of us are hoping you can just f***ing see!
See how you are, the way you act!
You act like a moron and physically attack.
How can you continue when you almost lost me as a friend?
I guess 10 years mean nothing when you get to the bottles end.
Why do what you’ve said you would? Acid is so much more fun!
I can’t go on watching you drown, maybe the addictions already won.
What should I do? Should I cut my losses? Just walk away?
If I asked you to stop to save our friendship what would you say?
Would you tell me it’s you life and to go to hell?
Would you see you need help or just f***ing bail?
I’m at my wits end; I can’t even answer your call.
The drugs and bottle have got you enthrall.
What do I do, dear God what can I do?
When you see a friend drowning and are unable to rescue.

Source: My Friend Is Sinking Into Addiction, Addiction Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/my-friend-is-sinking-into-addiction#ixzz25vuTWh4z
http://www.FamilyFriendPoems.com