15 August, 2011 00:55

 

COMMITMENTS :  Cutting the Cord :  Saying goodbye to your therapist can elicit bad feelings–unless it’s handled right. Then the parting can be a chance for growth.

December 04, 1995|LIBBY SLATE | SPECIAL TO THE TIMES
You’ve been in psychotherapyfor a while and feel your therapist just isn’t meeting your needs anymore, so you decide it’s time for a change. Or perhaps it is your therapist who is moving on–leaving town, going on maternity leave, retiring because of age or illness.Whatever the reason for bidding adieu, when the two of you part company, you’re not just breaking off with a mental-health professional. Therapy involves transference, in which you transfer feelings about important figures in your life onto the therapist. So you’re also saying sayonara to your mother, your father, significant others past and present, best friend, maybe a sibling or two–so many people it’s a wonder you can all fit into one office.

That period of wrapping up therapy and saying goodbye is known as “termination,” a word that evokes images of being fired from a job or being stalked by Arnold Schwarzenegger. But mental-health experts consider termination a crucial stage in therapy.

If handled properly, it provides an opportunity to re-examine the issues that led the client to seek help in the first place, to evaluate the therapy itself and to deal with feelings that might bubble up in the face of bidding farewell.

A so-called natural termination, in which the two of you agree to end treatment because your goals have been met, is difficult enough. Who, after all, likes to say goodbye, especially to someone who has helped you so profoundly and so intimately? But a premature termination, where a dissatisfied client leaves without much notice or a therapist departs before the patient is ready, can be downright traumatic.

“It’s always best if people can have time to pay attention to the process of saying goodbye,” says Carl Shubs, a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice in Beverly Hills. “If people leave too abruptly, it interferes with the process–they’re not able to deal with the sadness or anger, the mourning that occurs.”

Adds Sylvia Martin, a licensed marriage, family and child therapist in private practice in Sherman Oaks: “Termination is a time when people start to deal with all their losses. It can trigger feelings about old issues, or issues about the relationship between the therapist and client.

“If there is an old loss they have not grieved, they will tap in and experience the same feelings,” she says. “Maybe they had a feeling of abandonment when they were young and did not understand it. Or maybe they have not had the luxury before now of dealing with a loss–for example, going through a divorce with two kids.”

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If it is the patient who says so long, a good therapist will try to determine if he or she wants out because the topics being discussed are becoming too painful. In those cases, the therapist will encourage the patient to remain, so as to work through the discomfort and resolve those issues.

Many times, though, the client is willing to slog through the hard stuff, but feels this particular therapist is less than able. Such was the case last year for Laura, 41, who works in the travel industry in Orange County and sought counseling for marital problems.

“I was therapy illiterate,” she recalls. “I had no basis for comparison. But I never felt I was getting help. I would drive home and think, ‘Why did I just go there?’ I didn’t expect a magic cure, but I was just begging my therapist, ‘Give me some tools to help me.’

“All she said was, I had to divorce my husband, which I wasn’t ready to do. I felt her attitude was, ‘You won’t take my advice, so I don’t know what to tell you.’ ”

Laura–who is still married and on better terms with her husband–found another therapist to her liking. But she stuck with her first counselor longer than she preferred to because, she says, “The last thing I wanted was to look for someone new to spill my guts to, to start over again.”

Indeed, for some people, leaving the current therapist is the easy part; it’s finding a new one that poses problems. Says Studio City writer Catherine Johnson, author of the book “When to Say Goodbye to Your Therapist” (Simon and Schuster, 1988), “Finding a new therapist is not like finding a new dentist. It’s extremely difficult to find a match.

“It’s a bit like finding a lover, or best friend, or a parent. You don’t just go out and find a new best friend. You have to find a real emotional fit, on top of basic competence.”

Lisa Moore, 34, a West Los Angeles advertising account executive, discovered that last year when she left the marriage and family counselor she had been seeing for 15 months because she thought the therapist had crossed the professional line and was becoming too friendly. After six weeks with a new therapist recommended by her physician, she decided to return to her former counselor.

http://articles.latimes.com/1995-12-04/news/ls-10124_1_bad-feelings

visit my website: http://www.lkg4btrlife.webs.com

 

april 20 2008

 

every week I go through so much in my mind and want to let it out and talk about it but it seems when I get to therapy I just cant…sometimes i have a hard time even looking at my therapist…it is like she already knows too much about me and I am ashamed to be face to face with her…I wish I could just let it all out and not keep holding it inside…when I do let it out it is by writing but it doesn’t seem to go away…I write to my therapist more easily than I do talking to her and yes my writing is an outlet but yet i cant face talking bout the pain only writing…maybe I let her know too much and can’t face her after she knows who I really am…she don’t understand that even though I was 12 that i knew the difference between right and wrong because I had already gone through it once before when I was a child from 4-6 years old…so I knew what was happening should not have happened but yet I allowed it and became a whore instead…I went out searching for grown men to fuck me even though I didn’t know them and didn’t even know their names at times…I would be seductive as I was walking down the street or in the park just wanting someone to have sex with me…I was a 12 or 13-year-old whore who just looked for someone to love me…I never have found love…I was married and still am even though we have been separated for a year and I allowed him to treat me how he wanted most of the time…he did what he wanted even when I didn’t want to…most of the time I laid there and couldn’t even remember some of it as if I was somewhere else…I did this as a teenager also…my moms boyfriend constantly reminded me that I couldn’t say anything or he would get into trouble so I didn’t until 4 years of it had gone on…but even then there are only few memories of it…I remember the first time and the very last time but not much about in between those 4 years just brief memories here and there about it…i try to get my therapist to understand that i knew it was wrong and allowed it to go on for years so in a way i am at fault…yes he was a 40-year-old man and i was just 12 but i should have said no and not protected him all those years even though he protected me from my mothers physical and emotional abuse alot…i want her to understand how at fault;t i am for my daughters abuse…my daughter was an innocent child who my husband had no right to steal her innocence and i had no right to be blinded and not see her pain but instead I believe him and not my inner feelings that something was wrong and happening to her by him…everytime he did something that I caught and felt very uncomfortable about I flipped out on him and was told by him that I was over reacting and I was sick in my fucking head and that just because I was sexually abused as a child by family doesn’t mean that he was doing anything to our daughter…and this was drilled in my head several times over her short life that we had her…i ignored her cries for help i was too wrapped up in the other kids and their issues to see her pain…my mother was just too wrapped up in herself her jobs and her men to see my pain…but i was constantly on the run trying to care for the other 3 that had eating issues behavior issues physical issues back and forth to the doctor’s and shit with the other three that when she missed behaved i spent a little time with her by taking her shopping with me or something but she never trusted me I guess to let me know how he was hurting her I never allowed her to trust me as much as I talked with her and tried to show her I loved her and that she was beautiful and my world I really didn’t spend alot of time with her to allow her to trust me and see how much I loved her and what she meant to me…my therapist tries to get me to see that my child hood was so fucked up that all I knew was chaos and instability and this is why I couldn’t give my kids stability but no matter what I did to try to provide stability it was never enough and all I did was run from everything whenever there was a fear in me I could not bear…my therapist wants me to let her in and what happenings is I let her in just a bit and then put up 3 more walls to keep her out once I feel vulnerable and like she just likes to her about everyone’s misery and it really don’t matter to her who you are or what u have been through or how you became who you became she always just wants you to talk about shit and let her in only for her to leave you stranded with that pain once it is brought up…I feel like she wants me to just let it all out and get over it but there is no getting over losing my kids because of my inability to protect them…my therapist don’t see what a low life I really am she don’t understand that I allowed my kids to experience the abuse they endured…there were many times I watched my husband smash our son upside his head and all I did was scream yell and hit him but yet stayed…even when i did try to leave on a few occasions I allowed my fear and insecurities to rule me instead and came back…i feel guilty for my children’s pain I feel I caused it even if I didn’t physically hurt them I feel like I hurt them even worse than he ever could have…I want my therapist to see what a fucking inadequate mother I was and how I don’t deserve to be happy because I allowed so many lives to be destroyed…want her to understand that I deserve to be punished I don’t deserve to get anywhere in life I deserve to be tortured and killed…I want her to understand how much a bad terrible person I am I want her to look at all the bad shit I have done and do do instead of trying to look at and search for positive shit that really will never compare to the awful shit i have done in life…she will never understand how much I don’t deserve a life she don’t know the real me the me that has hurt so many people and allowed them to be repeatedly hurt and ignoring the feelings that boiled inside and protected the scum who did this..she dont know how much I am at fault for ruining lives and how much i am at fault for what has happened in my life even as a teenager she dont want to see that i am at fault for what has happened in my life…i just wish someone would hunt me down and torture and murder me…I deserve to be tortured and killed slowly a painful death

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/hopelesslynogood/blog?page=4#ixzz13mIfRGcU

 

july 23 2008

 

sitiing here i just want to die…i am so sick of life and everyone in it….i just want to take my life and know that everyone will be alright…i know most people that are in my life would be better off without me but there are a few people that it might bother a bit for a while if i kill myself…but will those people even be bothered by me killing myself or will they be relieved to have me gone and not to have to deal with me…i am not a good friend and i cant handle life at all lately…it feels like life is falling and i am buried under all the worlds debris…more and more is piling on…why wont they stop holding on and just let me go…why cant people see i will be better off putting myself out of the misery i am in….my son would be better off knowing that i am finally in a place that he knows where i am at all times…he wont have to have that stress and worry about where i am what i am doing or when am i going to end up in the morgue needing to be identified…i will never become anything…i will never be able to get anywhere in life so why keep struggling to try to get somewhere…my mother wont even be bothered by the death of me she will rejoice knowing that one major trouble is gone from here life…i just want to kill myself…i want an escape from life…i am so sick of being alone with no one to love me and for me to have no one to care about…too many things i should have or could have done to get my babies back and i didnt…i just cared bout tring to end my pain…what about their pain…wjhat about what they were going through by not having me…why couldnt i get through shit to get them back…the only things i was still living breathing for and i let them all go…i did nothing to get them back in my life…i am no mother…i never deserved to have kids…i fucked them all up and now what i am stuck here without them wanting to kill myself because of everything i jhave done to them and allowed to be done to them….i gave up on them but yet they never gave up on me until the end…i gave up from the start…i feel so hopeless and just want to kill myself and get it over…i will never get over all this shit and they will never be able to love me like a mom…i was never and will neevr be their mom…corey will always have resentment and ager towards me and that will never change no matter how mucjh i do for him or how much i try to love him. i want an escape from this life….i really want to die

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/hopelesslynogood/blog#ixzz13mEtuwCq

 

Lavender Power is that Resilience You Have Inside – Lavender POETRY

 

 

 

Days Go By . . .


Shock, pain, emotional distress,
This happens to other people,
to other families, not ours….
Reality sets in,
Hate, dispair, and anger take over,
How could this happen, why did this happen?
Days go by,
Acceptance and strength are surfacing,
Drive and determination take over…
Passing along what we have learned becomes important,
It becomes the focus of each day,
To help others through where we have been…
We made it as the days have gone by,
As the years have gone by, we made it,
It’s forever with us, but it is now strength…
Days go by and it no longer rules,
We rule, we have taken our lives back,
A lot has changed as days go by…..
You took enough, you get no more…
Our lives are different, but our lives are good,
We took our lives back as days go by….
Now our purpose is to help others take theirs back,
You took enough, you get no more,
We are getting stronger as days go by…..
Our voices are coming together as one,
Can you hear us? You will,
As days go by….
Our voice is becoming stronger,
Louder, as days go by,
Our voice is to be heard….
The fear is gone,
We stand as one, strong and unwavering,
We are firm on our feet….
We are one voice, one voice that will no longer be silenced,
One voice that becomes stronger and louder,
As days go by……..
Cathy Parsons Gipson

Lavender Power is that Resilience You Have Inside – Lavender POETRY